Feeling guilty with gratitude....confusing yes - Al-Anon Family Group

Jules1011 · Member

Feeling guilty with gratitude....confusing yes

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

Hang in there. Just keep taking care of you and do what feels right. Also I find it helpful sometimes to remind myself that big decisions do not have to be made RIGHT NOW and I can take time to get myself in a better place emotionally score making a decision.

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi Jules :) It sounds like you are struggling with some of the same kinds of feelings I have been. I notice this real disconnect between what my mind thinks and what my heart feels. It's really confusing and frustrating for me, but I have been really trying to learn from it. Sometimes when I can't figure out what to do, I try to step back and think about what I would advise a friend to do in the same situation. That often helps me find some clarity.

Wishing you well ~
Doozy

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a lot of guilt initially when I first left my AH, but over time he proved to me that I made the right decision and I couldn't deal with living that way any longer. My exAH still thinks I owe him more of my time, money whatever I am willing to give up to him. I had to learn the hard way every step of the way until I had nothing left to give. I believe it is just part of the process. Hopefully you will be able to Let go and Let God with it soon enough. I have learned to make so many boundaries to protect myself from falling back to old patterns of thinking and old cycles. Take it a day at a time or hourly or minutely until it passes. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Jules,

The longest journey is 18 inches between the head and the heart. I learned that from a wonderful friend and it has rung true on many levels.

It's more important not to beat yourself up, and see the relationship in a realistic way. There are usually fun and happy times that cloud judgement with the "if only's" if only he'd act more responsible, if only he'd stop drinking, if only .. fill in the blank. Seeing as Breaking Free has described that it does take time to get validation and confidence it is the right decision for you.

Ending a relationship doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean even he failed it just means it was time to let go. I go back to the standard .. the pain outweighed the emotional payoff it's time to say enough. It's a very difficult time and it's even more important to again take care of you, get rested sleep, eat healthy, and some exercise helps as well. I hope you have a support system for yourself and find being alone to be quality time. Being your own best friend, knowing you are never alone because your HP is with you as well.

Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Jules,

I like to keep things really simple when I am confused and question my decision making ability. After I have turned something over to my HP, I ask myself one question. It is, "is it in MY best interest" to do ________? If I find the answer to that question YES, then I proceed with taking an action.

Things have always worked out when I take care of my needs first by asking the above question. I then leave the results up to God.

Hope that helps.

T

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

On a practical note, I am not sure what it is like there, but would it be possible that a letter could be givento the phone company outlining that it is not your debt, and your ex partner takes responsibility for the debt, the phone is cut off but you are still able to keep your credit rating with the phone company????

Like I say I don t know how it works there, but here in Australia if I had a bill with the phone company, I would not be able to keep my phone line or get another phone line or phone number until the bill was paid. That 2would make me angry if it were not my bill.

If that is not the case, is it possible that you allow the bill to be his, you keep your mobile or a locked phone so you still have contact and he doesn't have access to th ephone.

Sorry I may be way off the mark here.....

Jules1011 · Member

Thanks everyone for all your comments they are comforting....I have made the decision to end the contract, but still havent done it yet? He is begging me to allow him to have the contract and is saying his sister will take this over but I feel this is delaying tactics, although I feel that it is another thing that will keep him in my life and I need to cut all ties with him in order to move on completely and I am still being a crutch for him by paying his phone bill! He knows I am not the kind of person that would do that although I cannot be a doormat anymore and need to stand up and be counted and yes if I was to give a friend advice it would be to cut off the phone, I have done enough for him already and its time to focus on me.

Linda the phone is in my name and I did try to do that but because his credit rating is poor he cannot take over the debt, I have learned from this and will never do this for anyone again, thanks for your suggestion!

Julie

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