The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night when I was walking my dogs I met a man who I know through a friend of his (who is an alcoholic currently in a dreadful way). I got to chat with him and hear about this man's alcoholism, his delirum tremens, seizure and more. I could have a lot of compassion for him and really see and understand the disease.
What I got from that is its pretty easy to detach when I'm dealing with someone who has absolutely no effect on my life. However detaching from people(addicts/alcoholics) who have an effect on me (with their chaos, lifestyle choices and more) is something else. Then I'm angry, frustrated and yes often obsessively resentful. Detaching then is a huge obstacle and something that requires determination, skill, guidance froma sponsor and lots of practice. Practicing detchment isn't exactly easy because of the pain that comes with resentment, anger and grief.
The irony is that I could have a lot of compassion for him (I don't know him that well) even in his alcoholic spiel (he reeked of alcohol too and was on a bicycle) but I have very little compassion for his friend who is on a real downward spiral. The friends actions needless to say have affected my life .....and still are affecting my life.
Detachment in the face of alcoholism is a real skill. It isn't something that happens overnight. I have to pick up the 3 lb weight before I can pick up the 300 lb weight.
Yeppers, and your post is a shining example of how our program, and the proverbial "power of we" works so well.... We are so often too emotionally tied to the antics of the A, to see the 'forest through the trees', and it is typically easier to see things more clearly when we aren't enmeshed in the chaos ourselves....
I like to think of our recovery in the terms of "sometimes you lean on me, other times I lean on you"...
Thanks for sharing
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There was a reading a few weeks back in one of the One Day At a Time books. When I read it I immediately felt: oh wow. It said something like 'if you were reading a book or watching a movie about your life what would you feel toward the A in the book or movie?' I realized that if I were reading my story... as the audience I would feel bad for me but I would feel much more compassion for the A. I would like him and his character would really mean something to me and I would hope that the story ends well for him. I am not saying that I wouldnt feel compassion for the character of myself. I would. But I think the A in my life has been to hell and back and I would just really want him to find peace. When I think about it like that I feel much less 'woe is me' and much more compassion for my AH. I realize he didnt choose this. He would never have chosen this. It just makes me want to hug him and wish him peace and pray he finds serenity. It also makes me feel grateful to have him in my life and so grateful that his alcoholism/addiction brought me to Al-anon where I can read from people like Tom and you and and count my blessings because I do have so many. My HP had to find a way to bring me the faith I've always wanted.. it just took a really "bad" situation to get me there. A blessing in disguise as they say.
I have been reading the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran I find it very soothing:
My favorite part:
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
yep, I have had to detach at all costs, for the most part. It's the best I can do to protect my serenity.
Last night, I went to an AA meeting to hear my friend, Nancy, tell her story. She told of how, she had experienced a cancer scare during her years of active drinking, how the test results came back negative. Then she experienced an oncology nurse telling her, "you have no idea how lucky you are, we hear so many dreadful things to the contrary, God must have something wonderful planned for you!" And she realized, she had no god. She was spiritually dead. She realized she didn't care if the results had come back cancer positive, she just didn't care about life anymore.....
I sooo identify with that separation from Higher power, I have been there. I was completely shut off from the sunshine of life. That is what alcoholism is, it's reaching for the wrong thing to fill that god-shaped hole. I did NOT want to FEEL life back then....... and I just can't imagine not feeling life today. That helps me to feel compassion, when I figure out how I identify with them.
Can I be around alcoholism? I admit I can't. Not for long anyway, I keep my visits with the alcoholics in my life very brief. It's the best I can do, just for today.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 3rd of November 2011 12:32:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I felt a lot of sadness for this man. He is end stage, gets dts when he stops. He told me about hallucinating bugs were climbing all over him in the hospital. He also has grand mal seizures. He is about at the end...and has a lot to live for but can't stop.
His friend, who is my neighbor, can't even articulate where he is because he is drinking a fifth a day. He is also at the end. I expect to hear he's found dead any day. I can't even look at him and run when I encounter him because I don't even want to say hallo anymore... but I can feel sorrow for this stranger.
Aloha Maresie and Yeppers #2 (Tom was first). Our face to face meeting was on the page of the day from the ODAAT book, Nov2nd and it spoke to this condition. It was a good good meeting and I remembered alot from the early lessons and heard new perceptions and approaches last night. I remembered an early lesson on the definition of love by a member in the area I got into program and her definition still sticks with me and is still mine. I learned how to love and let go all in the same moment along with the reality of the 3 Cs....Program works when its worked. ((((hugs))))
