The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still here, though not much has changed since my last posting. Just went another round on the roller coaster with my ex BF. Calling it a roller coaster is kind of ridiculous though because it doesn't even begin to describe what the experience does to my heart. Anyway, we did finally talk on the phone and I got some closure. That makes me feel better.
In my mind, I think maybe I've dodged a bullet here and that him walking away is the best thing that could happen for me. In my heart, I'm crushed.
I've been feeling isolated because I didn't even tell many people we were talking again. Didn't want to hear their judgement. I also don't feel like there are many people even willing to listen to me go through this again. For the last two weeks, I have felt really raw and overflowing with hurt and disappointment. Today, I finally talked with him on the phone and I guess that I got the best closure he can offer me. He's kind of the silent type... I feel better. I said what I needed to say and I asked him the questions I needed to ask. I think I understand as much as I can right now and I know that it's pointless to expect emotional clarity from a practicing addict.
The best thing I did today for my own self care was I finally made myself open up to two trusted friends and tell them how much I'm hurting and struggling right now. I thought about who I thought I could trust with this and was fortunate to find two friends who listened without judgement and gave me their acceptance and support. I felt SO MUCH BETTER! I'm so glad I got over my fears or whatever was holding me back and just reached out directly to them for support.
I love how in my new life, I can break all those dysfunctional family rules - don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I did all those things today - talked, trusted, felt - and it was just what I needed.
im really sorry if you have felt judged...i think maybe honesty is a good thing- so long as it is said with kindness. someone on my post said "what is it about boundarys that you dont understand" and it was really jumping the gun- understanding it is one thing- implementing is quite a different task...and maybe its harder than what it sounds in a few written lines its easy to not understand where someone is coming from. i think you have broken the dysfunction though- so who can criticise you for that? although you still talk and see him...im thinking this is pretty human. i let my ex partner into my house once and talked to him...then later i noticed he had taken my last five pound note from my purse....and that was feed OUR baby. thats all i see now when i look back..i dont see or feel and of the loving feelings, im sure if you keep chugging on - these feelings do eventually go.
Girlfriend, look at you :) Nothing changes if nothing changes, and things have changed. Great awareness!!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so glad to hear you reached out to some friends and shared your problems with them. I have some wonderful friends, one in particular that's been my best friend for going on 40 years. She lives 300 miles away, but we still are in contact by phone, letter, or in person at least once a week. Without this site and my 'besties', I really think my life would be in the gutter right now.(And of course, my HP, who led me to find both the site and the friends!) Anyway, it always makes me feel so much more optimistic when someone finds a friend to share with. We all need that so badly, I think. Congratulations to you, it is not an easy thing to share what we feel are the ugly details of our lives. I don't always follow the advice of my friends (such as the oft-repeated "Throw that f###er out!"), I don't really go to them wanting answers. They give me what I need by just being there, caring about me, wanting to listen, trying to understand. I hope this is the start of that kind of friendship for you.
Congratulations, too, on all the other positive steps it sounds like you're taking in your life.
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I know without my face to face meetings and my sponsor my life would be far worse. I have great friends, but they don't get my background. Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
