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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AB & Boundaries
Post Info TOPIC: AB & Boundaries
NCSUgeology


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AB & Boundaries
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My brother has been getting a lot of resistance from family members that have set boundaries. I started the I dont want to talk to you when youre drunk boundary, and it worked great for me and my sanity. It was bad. Sometimes he couldnt talk. After that boundary was set, he never had a fat tongue when I talked to him.

 

Other family members would complain about him calling drunk, and I explained what I was doing, and they set the same boundary.

 

He would swear up and down that he hasnt been drinking. It was his meds that made his speech slurred. Slurred speech IS a possible side effect of one of his meds, but his speech was never slurred when he was in jail, or in the hospital. It only happens when hes on his own, so no one ever believed him. Again, swears up and down he hasnt had anything to drink in 60+ days.

 

I went over today at lunch to take him some lasagna we made last night so he would have some good home-cooked food. Of course I popped in unannounced, as I was running errands. All I wanted to do was hand him the dish at the door, and leave.  When I pulled up to his apartment, he was walking the trash to the dumpster, and it was packed full of beer cans. I didnt see any other trash in it. I didnt say anything to him about, but he knew he was busted.

 

Now all hell has broken loose. He doesnt want to live a life where no supports him. Setting boundaries means we dont support him. He cant get it through his thick head that he has 100% support from the family if hes sober. He cant live a life that no one supports him, blah, blah, blah.

 

Sorry for the rant, but thanks for listening.



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rosielee


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i think you are doing th right thing, he doesnt know about support issues or aboout anything at the moment as he is deep in the sickness so i think you are doing well in trying to get through to him. im sure that "getting them sober" book might also help you...i dont have cause to read it now and havent read it but many have mentioned it.
Because i think its a tricky situation. this is such a sad disease- it really is.


i think you are right- if he was sober- youd know it. and youve known him long enough to be able t recognise when he has had a drink. this is such a sad disease...make sure yu get all the help you can get xxxxx

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rosie
Debilyn


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Wonderful to hear from you again. You sure are working your program and family all joining in is so great.

Hey they all use that suicide threat when things start to sink in.

Ok so he does not want to live with out someone supports him, he knows his family will support him if he gets help, so all you have to say, yea I would not either so my choice would be to change my life.

My experience is I do my best to put it back in their lap. Validate what they say too. It is how they feel.

I am soooo glad you posted! Keep up the great work.love,deb 



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Doozy


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Your brother could also seek support outside of the family through counseling, church or aa. Of course he has to decide and seek those resources himself. I guess my point is that he can find support if he wants to, even if your family sticks with the strong barrier you've set. Plus, you do support him, you're just saying you won't talk to him when he's drinking. Wishing you and your family well. ~Doozy

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NCSUgeology


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He says he doesn't need AA. That's what's so frustrating. He always says "you have no idea what I'm going through". He's right, I don't, but people in AA do. It's falls on deaf ears.

What he wants is the love and warm support of the family, but still be able to drink. In fact, he got that for a very long time. I got tired of beating my head against the wall, and decided to change MY ways.

 



-- Edited by NCSUgeology on Wednesday 2nd of November 2011 05:24:22 PM

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rrib


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NCSUgeology wrote:

 He always says "you have no idea what I'm going through".

LOL! I go to A.A. and I can tell you exactly what he's going through. It's called a temper tantrum.



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Jerry F


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rrib...nailed it and only another recovering member with time can hit it that truthfully.   LOL  I listen and I hear that it is he that doesn't know openly what he is going thru and I relate.  Time, Patience, surely a Higher Power and a program and the boundaries will start to work their magic.  He isn't the only alcohol addicted person to say he didn't need AA...I can remember those words coming from my mouth also and then God needed a bit more time to do God's work; 9 years infact and there I was ready to go...kinda sorta.  Keep up the GOOD work...that is GOOD work.  Just keep it up and he will get to the "Well maybe I am and do have a problem with ...."

Congradulations to you and your family.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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rosielee


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did he threaten suicide? Im sorry, i didnt read that bit......dont take this as being harsh- as its not meant to be cruel- but threatening suicide is an awful thing to do to your family members. its another manipulation ploy,,,the worry it puts on you- its not on. Ive told my mum- if she ever does it- thats her look out- and she will never be forgiven if she does- there will be no funeral- nothing- (i dnt actually know this of course...) ive said- if she did this- it would be the last- final insult. and she understood and agreed- of course she did- they know then they are being devious. and suicide threats like this is totally devious. i hope i am not coming accross as too unsympathetic- i know suicide is a big problem and connected to serious mental health issues- but often when it happens- there are no threats- and family members dont get given the opportunity to stop them or make amends. the person often quietly goes off and does it- its heart braking- besides if they killed themselves the world would spin around them anymore so its not a viable solution.

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rosie
NCSUgeology


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rrib wrote:
NCSUgeology wrote:

 He always says "you have no idea what I'm going through".

LOL! I go to A.A. and I can tell you exactly what he's going through. It's called a temper tantrum.

 Exactly! It took me a long time to figure that one out.



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