"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

kris10 · Senior Member

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canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear you are going through this Kris...

For what it's worth, yes - I would say that the saying you quoted is useful for many situations, including the huge "leave vs. stay" one....

During times of extreme stress, we always doubt ourselves - one of the ways you will be able to deal with whether or not it is just 'cold feet' or not is if you have a solid gameplan lined up... If leaving is a 'rash' decision, most notably a reaction to a recent (or current) event, then it is unlikely to last, etc... If you have thought it through, weighed the pros and cons (and believe me, there are always pros and cons), and know in your heart and your gut what you need to do for you, and/or for your dependants, then that is another story...

These are good times to lean on the "power of we", as in.... your HP, trusted friends in recovery, etc, - as they can help you sort out your thoughts at this time...

Take care

Tom

never going back · Senior Member

Hi (((Kris))))
To me, "If you're not sure,don't" applies to the question, "Should I get rid of my A?". But it also applies to the opposite, "Should I stay with him/her?". I agree with Tom, for me, having a plan in place for the day I would get rid of my AH was very important. For one thing, the planning gave me something positive and concrete to focus on. For another, it made me feel much more secure to know that, once I got a plan in place, I could leave(or kick him out) at any given moment-MY choice, not dependent on HIS choices in any way.
I do know that it's not wise to make a life-changing decision if you're coming off a sleepless night! Get some rest, if you can?

Thinking of you today.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I lived around people who passed out in the day time then they were up all night. One night I was bowled over by one of them running out to the front door when I was half asleep walking to the bathroom. I can totally understand your resentment.

I know I went through years of torturing myself about leaving the ex A. I eventually used it as a way to beat myself up.

I think it was great that you did not respond when the A was calling you names. If there is no response it takes the wind out of their sales. Nevertheless it is very very hard to do especially when you are sleep deprived.

What eventually stopped me beating myself up was to do a plan be. I went through all the things I needed if I was going to leave the now ex A. I recruited people to help me (funnily enough they appeared when I was making the plan be). I weighed all the pros and cons. I took my time.

In so many ways when I was making the plan I stopped being so obsessed with the now ex A. I remember his suprize very well when I didn't object to so many things I tried to control before. He was flabbergasted!

Most of all lean on this board. Go to the chat room, ask for feedback. Ask people to hear you out with your resentment.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kris,

I have found that making decisions when I was not at peak performance mentally (I'm angry, frustrated, even if I am over the top happy anything extreme) has never gone well for me. I miss out on seeing the full picture and really doing what is in my own best interest. Taking time to take a breath and giving things to my HP and then revisiting them at a later date if possible works best for me.

Getting out of my funk, taking a nap, taking a walk doing something for me that makes me feel good about me is where I need to really focus my time and energy.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day,

Hugs p :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There are pros and cons to every decision kris. With the "big one" you are talking about....that one is going to feel like crap no matter what. I guess you just go with your gut and pray for the best....meanwhile keep your support system ready and available either way. That's been what helped me.

rosielee · Senior Member

the A and the H combined is a super toxic combo and it will destruct everything within distance of it. I have experience of it in my life- it devastates your life- it decimates it like nothing else can- thats all i am going to say on the matter- before i say too much. just be wary of what you are involved with- because drink is one thing- the H aswell is one heavy issue....take it from someone who knows.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris I invite you to think about this. Is it you will regret it, or you will be so heartbroken and sad?

They are two different things. Regret is something we do and wish we could go back and change. Maybe a decision made out of fear.

BUT we all feel horribly sad when we have them leave or we do.To us there just is not other way out.

Ok this is MY experience. Both times I told my AH to leave, he went to his moms shot up too much H and the paramedics were called to get him to the hospital to zap him back.

It's an awful truth. NOT saying yours would do that. Him being asleep this long honestly, I used to check my A was alive
All the time. Wow that made my nose scrinch up and tears came to my eyes. It was so horrible and sad.

Does he ever mention going on the methadone program?

You have to do what is best for you hon. H addiction is so so hard to quit without a program. I have seen people kick it and it is awful. Baack in the 60's and 70's they had stuff from Viet Nam that was pure. shaking head. A send some home to his brother and he and friends did it up and all of them almost died. They did not follow what he told them.

He has NOTHING to give to you. What do you have if he is there? Is it worth it to just have his body there? I don't know what noise you mean as most are super quiet and nodding out.

Myself it was much easier to live with than alcohol. the bad thing was he never smiled or talked or took a shower. They also get extremely constipated.

Keep coming and talk to us about it. Maybe it will help you to make a decision just knowing it will cause a wound in you that will heal. Not be a horrible slice in you that you keep feeling sorry you did it at all.

hugs hon,debilyn

Doozy · Senior Member

Kris 10, I'm so sorry for this painful situation you are going through. I'm sitting here heartbroken myself and can understand how painful it can be. you have received wonderful esh already and it's so good that you are reaching out. A plan could really help and you probably have options, even temporary separations and time apart can be what a couple needs if a breakup isn't the right thing at the time. Only you can know what you need to do for you. I hope you will take good care of yourself and get support during this heartwrenching time. ~Doozy

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris10, I don't know what you have decided, but I can only tell you what it was like for me. there were so many days that I said "if you do ______ again, you are out of here" That was my way of trying to be powerful over addiction. That is not a boundary. When someone is doing something we don't like and we are so tired and not in a good frame of mind, its always ok to WAIT. I take it one day at a time and let me tell you, last year at this time, I was a different person. I was a hot mess, as they say. The words of support from certain people carried me through my journey to working on me. I am not better, I will never be better. I remain teachable. I am humbled by what I was given so freely, words like "Remain Calm, Don't React" or "Let Go and Let God" or Live and let live. Words like "He is either going to drink (or use drugs) or not, what are you going to do?" .....

I read the AA big book and it helped me understand addiction so much better. I read other books by recovered addicts like Nic Sheff (Tweak and We all fall down). I went to meetings and I got a sponsor. But the biggest thing I did was surrender to step 1. I had to know inside of me that I am powerless over it, because if I don't go to step 1 every day, I think I can control everyone and I am sick. I have been given my life back. You know, its ok to just WAIT right now, get some work done on you, change things in you, and see where that goes. Today is the only day you have to do, this one moment .... Being present is what helps me .... Take care of you:)

kris10 · Senior Member

Debilyn...

To answer your question it is without a doubt that I will regret it because I will be sad... Worried about him, missing him, and most of all anxiety stricken... He helps me alot with my agaraphobia and anxiety (if I can't get out to get stuff done) stuff like that... I know I am codependant on him especially for my anxiety... So, yes (sad but true) alot of the time with my anxiety it is only the body that I need around to make me feel safe... I mean I guess he is always there for me when I'm in need.. (Even if that be to tell me I need to do it on my own)... We never really post to often about the GOOD things do we???

I really needed everyones ESH today ... THANK YOU!!! I seem to always make decisions in the heat of my madness and that is NEVER good... Today I didn't... Today I'm ok with not deciding....

Actually this morning after posting here I did get some sleep... My A actually was up talking with my sick son... They decided to hook up the xbox in my sons bedroom so he could relax and watch a movie... My A kindof took over on his own and set up a little sick bed for my son... So I fell into a HALF sleep as us mothers can not usually sleep when a little on is sick anyways....

So I guess for NOW, at THIS MOMMENT things are ....OK..

Thanks again everyone

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

IF you honestly believe this is the day, then take the window of opportunity.

IF you honestly are not sure, then don't.

What I loved about this site when I first came was that the rest of the world seemed to be telling me to leave my husband becasue I was not happy. this site said to me, get happy, then decide if you want to leave your husband.

If you really honestly believe you are making this decision from a healthy mental stand point.. go for it... if not, then don't.

kris10 · Senior Member

Linda I agree!! I suppose thats what anyone would say if they havent been threw it... If they dont know what its like... Thats why i love this place as well...

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris10, it can get better little by little when you do work on you and get happy :) No many people don't know what its like. And a year ago I couldn't have seen that my fiance would be doing as well as he is doing. Keep up the good work and awareness, in loving support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

good for you! Enjoy him while you can hon. I wish I still could. sometimes when they are gone, they are gone.

I squeezed every last moment I could.

that was so nice how he helped the kiddo and you. love,deb oh and btw,sometimes when they want to quit they can just do enough to maintain them feeling normal.

Forgot that my A was doing it a long time, I thought he was sober. he was him. sadly it was becuz he was maintaining on heroin. For awhile he was so nice to be around.but as usual in time it got bad.....sigh, deb

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kris...the saying for me...given by a former sponsor was "When in doubt...don't" (make major decisions). It made all the sense to me because of the doubt part. Another was of looking at it was "When in doubt take your time making a decision...look, listen, learn." How ever the most supportive one was "When in doubt...don't and turn it over to your higher power first". My history without all of that was make a decision and suffer more regret and remorse than was necessary. Hate that!! Now I got with when in doubt...don't!!

((((hugs)))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris,

I am so glad you are reaching out here. For me I know not to make major decision when I am angry or in fear because I am probably reacting, rather than making a choice.

I have seen Youfoundme over the last several months and it is so true, she has grown and changed in miraculous ways. There is a difference when one begins to work the program one day at a time, going to meetings, and being sponsored, how much growth is there. Should you have the time, go back into the forum 20 or 30 pages and see for yourself. The difference is night and day.

When you do something different, youll get different results. Reaching out here is a step in the right direction. When you are ready for more I would suggest going to face to face meetings, getting a sponsor, and reaching out to people on this board who understand what is like to live with a loved one who is addicted to heroine. No matter how difficult the situation is, there is always hope.

I am so glad you are here,

T

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"