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Throwing myself quite a pity party today (combination of phases 1 and 3 Tom!).
I am having such a hard time coping...my mom's terminally ill, I'm living in a new area where I know nobody because I lost my job in my old area...I need support and understanding and compassion so much, but it's nowhere to be found. My AH, who has decided that my past bad financial choices warrant near constant verbal and emotiona abuse, has been very clear that he does not care about what's going on with me. I've always had a tendency to isolate myself (keeping other people from knowing what my life is really like is a huge part of my disease), and now I'm paying the price. I reach a point where I am literally crippled by things in my life, where I desperately need a support system, and the choices I've made to isolate myself mean that I am stuck struggling through this alone. On top of that, I absolutely HATE myself for wanting my AH to be there for me. I should know by now that is not possible. Yet I still want it, and on some level I get angry because I feel I should be able to expect it. And on another level I know it is stupid and unfair for me to expect anything at all from this man. Not even a hug. Not even neutrality. He won't even leave me alone...the verbal assaults just keep on coming. But I keep on with the misplaced hope that some day he will just snap out of it, and turn back in to the person he was three years ago.
You only have to be as isolated as you choose to be, unless the reality is you happen to live someplace that it takes 2 hours to see another living human. I know it can happen.
There is hope of breaking out of isolation it's scary too because it means taking the risk of reaching out in the dark and just having faith someone is going to reach back.
If you don't have a "real" support system you can create one for yourself. You didn't mention if you were attending meetings or getting out to meet people. Sometimes it's as simple as asking the right person the right question. There is so much support out there, it's knowing where to look and having the courage to take the risk.
It sounds like things are really overwhelming for you right now. We all make errors and we all fall down it's just important to remember we can stand back up. If you have some alanon lit take some time to invest into yourself listen to some alanon speakers, .. it's just important to do something that will make you feel good even just if it's I feel a tad better than yesterday. Reading a book, going for a walk, just something to break the chains of funk.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What I have learned over the years is that alcoholics cant give what they just dont have. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and found it in a place where I never expected it. In the rooms of alanon I was loved and accepted exactly as I was and no one criticized, judged, or tried to change me. In the face to face room I felt the overwhelming love and understanding that I have never felt before in my life. I felt peace and comfort amongst a group of strangers, and that was weird for me at first. I have learned that I keep coming back to face to face meetings to get what I need so that I can give it back into the world.
I am dearly sorry to hear of your mother who is terminally ill. I will hold you dearly in my prayers during this trying time. For me when I am in the place where I feel like I shrink from the world, it is time for me to take a step in a different direction. When I do what I have always done, I get what I've always got. When I take a step out of the cycle of isolation, I can find new freedom and happiness.
(((Stephanie))) I still wish sometimes that my qualifier could be here for me and be the man that he used to be before this disease took him over. But I've learned not to expect that because it only leads to disappointment. ¨..I need support and understanding and compassion so much, but it's nowhere to be found.¨ All that, and more is to be found right here from your MIP family. Pushka and tommye have shared some great ESH and I know others will have more to share. You, your mother, and family will be in my prayers.
Sending Prayers to you and your family for all the struggles ... My Thoughts are with you... Thank You for Your Share... I Needed it today...
When I Read your Post I my heart goes out to all that is currently going on, and I don't know if there is a F2F meeting in your area, but if so, a Support System there awaits you... And I'm Glad your Here... I Came to MIP just 3 short yrs ago, and before I got here, My Feelings & Fears, & Unsurity. Where alot like you discribe...
MIP & Al-Anon/ACOA Taught Me that I Could Make it thru, One Day at a Time, I didn't have to Make a Plan and cover all the bases, but I did have to Drop a few... I had to Study "Detachment" like no tomorrow, Everytime I Could feel the anixity growing up the back of my Neck.. I would Close my Eyes, Say the Serinty Prayer as many times as it took for me to Hear It... take slow deep breathes, and realize in "That Moment" ... What is In MY Control... And What is NOT Mine Too Control... These Little Changes, these Baby Steps at Life again... Welp... Some hurt, but when I look back at the place I was, and I Now 3yrs later look at Who I am Now... Well for me, This Program... Saved Me From Myself... I've Made Great Progress, and I Not Perfect... But I'm Right were I'm Ment to be...
I Came to Believe, that I had a Higher Power, that Accepted Me for Who & What I was, and that I Had to Go thru those things, in order to bring the Brighter Side of Me to Life again... This Program, and the growing family I have here, has Without a Doubt, Picked Me Up, Dusted Me Off, Patted me on the back side, and Said... Go Get'm Girl...
It Can be Better, It Can Fill Me With Support, It Can Wrap its Arms around Me, and it can be a Very Nice Place to Fall on Up & Down Days... When My Shoes Get Heavy and I'm Tired of Draggin them Behind, I Now Ask Myself 2 Questions..."How Important is It?" & "What did I Do for Me Today? I am Worth it"
This Program Truly Works... If You Work it, and Your Worth it... The One True "Gift" I have Giving Myself.. I Gave myself Recovery from my Disease, and taught me how to put Me back on the List, and I started to Smile alot More in My Present.. Acceptance for Me was Key.. I Needed Chance, and Slow But Sure... I'm Beginnin to see, Just how Blesed I Truly am.. to be a part of such a Place like this... Thanks for Being Here...
Please Take what you Like and Leave the rest... Chin up ((((((Stephanie)))))) Take Care of You... its Ok...
Wow... reading the responses here - doesn't sound like you are that isolated after all - lots of love being thrown your way.... Nothing replaces a real live hug, but you can always come to the Board for part of your support....
Yep, you know the program..... the reality is, it DOES suck that your A isn't emotionally available for you.... which begs the question....
Your A is either going to be emotionally available (or verbally abusive, or make bad financial decisions, etc) or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?
My sponsor used to remind me all the time to stick with the "whats" and let go of the "whys", as the whys eat you up... Most times, when I was at MY pity party, it was because I was focussing on the whys....
Hope that helps, and coming here today was a good step...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
when things get heavy- taking it one day at a time is all you can do. i think an al anon meeting might be a place where yu get that extra support and friendship- i know what you mean about being too independant- i am exactly the same- and then you find yourself with no support network. i too- am exactly the same. im sorry your AH couldnt offer you any empathy or sympathy what so ever...... i dont think yu need that type of attitude right now- there is empathy and sympathy for you in spades on this board. i am sure after a better sleep you will feel stronger soon- im not wanting to be an old maid- but you are probably over tired too- seeing to your mum at all hours i expect. heres my prescription for you...get an early night, get some good food down you as you need your nutrients right now real bad- take it easy and put it all in HP,s or yur spirit guides hands for now- put a film on and try and forget....and come on here when ever you want to chat. im always on here looking for a natter...lol
I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings and in time find a sponsor, that is where I waas able to break free of my isolation and be vulnerable and loved again. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
