There's a big difference between honestly stating how you feel and using words to control someone else through guilt. I guess I'm trying to understand what you mean by detaching and then state how you feel. What is your motive for making statements.

As an example, .. for me detaching, I am no longer responsible for things my AH needs to be responsible for anything regarding his DUI. This means I do not nag, worry, I am working on leaving my anger at the door regarding the DUI crap. No I don't like the financial aspect of things. Stating how I feel, .. on this issue I would be calling my sponsor or an alanon friend. Telling my AH I am angry about the financial end of things what does that do for him? There is nothing he or I can do it just IS and yes it sucks and he knows it. There is nothing that he can do to change the situation at this point it's a done deal. I certainly have a right to state I am angry I choose to take that up with my sponsor or alanon friend.

Telling my AH how I feel today without making him responsible is another issue. I was able to tell him recently how insecure I felt about a situation and still own my own feelings without putting it on him. I am struggling with trust and I am doing the best that I can. The difference for me from last year is that I'm not asking him to make it better I'm just telling him how I feel without expecting him to fix it. HUGE difference in conversation.

I think the biggest difference in conversation for me is that I'm not expecting him to be able to do something that no other human being can do. Having any kind of relationship with an addict is just different than someone who is not an addict. I can't go to a hardware store expecting bread if the hardware store doesn't sell any kind of bread at the store.

I'm not pretending that I don't have any feelings I am owning that I am responsible for them and no one else is.

Hugs P :)

For me, detaching and honesty aren't mutually exclusive - by detaching, I'm not pretending things aren't a particular way or denying reality. I'm just choosing to hand the responsibility for another person's problem and the solution to another person's problem back to that person. I'm not taking on responsibility for it anymore. But when I really and truly detach, I also have to let go of the outcome. So if I'm detaching from another person's drinking, I accept that they may drink - whether or not I like it. I accept that it's no longer my decision to make. After I detach, if the other person violates a boundary I have (like, I will not tolerate verbal abuse), I can speak up for myself. If they just behave in a manner that I don't like (such as, they drink and I'd rather them be sober), I have to accept that I'm not part of the problem, so I'm not part of the solution either. While I could communicate disappointment or anger or irritation with the other person's decision to my sponsor, I have to honestly examine what my motives would be in communicating it to that person. If the only real motive for me in communicating how disappointed I am would be to get the other person to feel guilty and choose something different next time, it is manipulation, not honest communication. If I want to state how I feel with no expectation of change from the other person and for no reason other than just to put my feelings out there, that's different. A very honest motive check helps me a ton.

Honesty is a separate issue. It's harder for me to communicate honestly than it is to detach. I really wish people were mind readers so that i didn't have to open my mouth and communicate my needs a lot of the time. I'm shy and it's hard. I have to practice and I'm still not the best ... but I'm better than I was when I got here. I'll take the progress and keep working, though.

I always check my motives before I feel I need to have a honest heart to heart with anyone especially an A. I usually find myself trying to do or say just the right thing to get just my right result from them, that never worked and left me terribly dissatisfied that my sweet attempt at manipulation or control failed again. I now realize I am not God and only my HP can handle these things. Just be aware of your motives before you speak to anyone and if you checked them and they are pure and it is in thier best interest I don't see why not. I am sending you love and support on your journey!