The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I came home from work and my husband was drunk. I ignored it and pretended I didn't notice. He is hiding the fact that he is drinking from me since I've started to go to AlAnon. He's not very good at it. LOL
I have called someone from my group, read some literature. It's just kind of a bummer. Living with an active is difficult. You have to work so hard at maintaining your recovery. I am praying and reading and calling and meeting all the time just trying to maintain that little bit of serenity I have gotten from 2 months in the program.
I love reading the posts from those of you who have been in the program for awhile. I can hear Tom asking me "he is going to drink, what are you going to do?" even now! LOL Could some of the veterans talk about some of the times when their partners drank and how you didn't let it upset you?
I lived around alcoholics/addicts for the past 4 years. I do think they resent someone who is "sober". They live their lives with lie after lie. They really resent someone who is being authentic.
Of course I had my tantrums, arguments and real melt downs around an alcoholic. I think distracting yourself, detaching and more is a really hard thing to do. I had to work really hard to focus on my own life.
Well, for me, I must admit I am much more serene and balanced when I speak of the past (historical) rather than the present (when I was in the muck)...
I think I progressed through all the stages - denial to anger to sympathy - and it was probably easiest to be calm and detached when I was more "sympathetic" to her addiction.... When I thought she "knew better", and that it was a "choice", I used to get furious, and her drinking would really set me off.... When I realized how deeply her addiction had a stranglehold on her, it made it easier to stay calm, and change my expectations of her....
Al-Anon helped me a ton too, of course, as I used a lot of that focus and energy on ME (and my children), as I had to learn that there WAS something I could do for myself, and for my kids.... The facade of trying to change my alcoholic was completely overwhelming and frustrating, and funny thing - when I stopped trying to change/force her - she chose to get sober (go figure)....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think it is funny we all hear Tom the canadianguy talking on our shoulder saying so what are you going to do? I love it! When I was early in my program I had to hit lots of meetings to wrap my head around the changes I wanted to make and I just engrossed myself in literature and MIP, until it came more naturally and even now if I think I got this and slack off, I can slip. I am currently reading the AA Big Book and it has already opened up my awareness and when I need to dig in I open it up. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Im with Tom, have been thru all the stages , 26 years of it.
I have to say its a lot easier when your not around the drinking anymore, Been away from it now for 4 years.
I do occasionally see him and he is doing much better at his recovery.
What I also learned is that its not directed at us, not always. I use to think he was punishing me, but now Ive learned he was punishing himself.
I also learned that when your living with an alcoholic you can never have expectations or plan on anything. I let go of my will and things fell into place. Even though it is normal to have expectations in a relationship or marriage. There is nothing normal about being in a relationship with a person who has this disease of alcoholism. Its all about our choices and the consequence for both people involved.
No matter what becomes of these relationships we have with the people we love who happened to be addicted, one things for sure. We must continue to follow the path of Alanon. It is there we heal and learn. My best wishes to you. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 1st of November 2011 05:29:02 PM
I too hear Tom, or at least I hear the message that Tom sends... I would love to hear more from Tom
I tried to ask a similar question a while ago, but didn't really feel I got the right answers... I hope you are getting what you need from this post. I wil lhave to find a better way to ask mine...
I like to read what the long term people have to say also.
Alcoholics drink because that's what alcoholics do.
Remember this thing is progressive.
There are only 3 outcomes: Jail, RECOVERY, or Death.
You can not allow your life to be dictated by an addict.
What you can do is get some "tools" & put them in your "toolbox"
Immediately when you feel the hair on the bk or you neck start to rise--say "God Grant me the serenity. . . ." (He knows the rest of teh prayer--so that's all I used to say or could muster sometimes LOL)
You did not describe any particular behaviors other than his being drunk-w/o recovery this WILL re-occur. SO..
"how important is it"? I used to used my iminagation alot.
Perhaps you could "act" (fake it til you make it) as though he was not home, and in the smae way as if he had left you a long romantic note explaning that he had/hated to leave on such short notice and would return as soon as he could-and then..
do whatever you would have had that been the actual case. If minie was quiet or passed out, or had just not succedded with a "honey-do" list, It did not get me bent out of shape too often.
But if I had to put up w/his mouth (& later physical abuse) I'd have to break out the EMERGENCY TOOLS-
for verbal stuff-I leanred trite quick replies that would either difuse or re-direct the situation-- Comments like
"you May be right, I'll have to think about that" worked to de-escalate situations that could have gotten wrose.
Bubble Baths, My Favorite Music and Good Books got me through alot.
I used affirmations (still love em) & became my own cheerleader-
You got to Start Somewhere, Right?
Progress not perfection-I made progress, little by little and you will too!
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
I chose to ignore the fact that he was drunk and did some of the things you have suggested - detach, take care of myself etc. I have never had to deal with any sort of abuse so I am lucky. In fact he's in a better mood when he drinks! LOL. I just wanted to hear the way that others have dealt with the feelings that arise because of the situation. Talking to my alanon peeps definitely helped.
I also chose to live ODAAT and therefore am not focused on the idea of alcoholism being a progressive disease. That is not my issue. I can't control that and therefore I try to stick to what I can control, obviously me. Plus, i prefer to be positive (as much as I can). I don't want to wallow. I try to keep the focus on myself and my recovery.
Oh and just as an update...no drinking today. Baffling disease this, honestly. Going to spend some time tonight writing out a list of things I am grateful for. I have been told it often helps when you are having a hard time to remember all of the great things in your life. Looking forward to making my list :)
One of the things I have noticed about my self in the past month or so....
On the days that he doesn't smoke, or if he doesn't have any 'real' pot in the house... I no longer get all excited that this may be the end of it like I did. I no longer put my expectations on his actions.
I really like that, it allows me to function whether he has pot or doesn't... he smokes everyday practically whether he has the 'real' stuff or the 'damiana' herb..... either way.. makes no difference to me anymore.
Previously, I would have said... woo hooo he didn't smoke today... woo hooo he only has the fake stuff.. yaya.... this may be IT!!!
I don't do that since coming here. I know it is only a matter of time and I say.. TODAY, he doesn't have the real stuff. or TODAY he has the real stuff and he will be stoned.. hmm I may read a book, I like that little change in me.
I can't say I had this experience cuz when my partner would be drinking, I would join in and that was a terrible response. I have learned in recovery that being my own person is critical. You did great just walking by him and ignoring. I think from there it progresses to being like "Ok, he's drinking, now is not US time. This can be ME time" and then you go do something you like to do on your own.