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Some of you may remember that my AH went to see his psychiatrist and was warned not to drink while on his antidepressants. As far as I know he hasn't been drinking, at least not in my presence. He may be drinking while traveling for work but I can't prove it nor do I care. Anyway, I was helping him with something with his computer recently and found p*rn sites in his cookies list. Seriously? Great, now I have to deal with this issue all while going to counseling to deal with pain from being molested when I was 7. Why can't he just give me a freakin' break? Now, I know he didn't actually do this 'to me'. I know he wasn't thinking about hurting me when he did it. I get that. I'm just tired of feeling like there's always something that comes between us. If it's not the drinking, then let's have an issue with p*rn. He just can't let go of his vices. I won't even go into how he defended himself and ALL men who look at p*rn. Pathetic.
Well, I have been working on forgiveness and journaling my feelings daily. Today's gonna be a novel.
I'm sorry things aren't going well in your household.
For what it's worth, you may have read about the study where they intended to compare men who looked at porn and men who didn't and study various reactions, but they couldn't find any men who didn't look at porn. I do know some (really), so they didn't ask everyone. But there it is.
Now, there's looking and then there's being consumed by compulsion. I would never argue that the two aren't different. And I know that many people argue that it's bad no matter how many might do it.
I tend to look at the compulsiveness of something as "Is the person continuing to do it even if it clearly harms the person?" You're in the best position to judge whether compulsiveness is at play here. And it's good to know what we're dealing with when we're dealing with compulsions and addictive behaviors. Until I really understood that my AH was a compulsive drinker, I just couldn't make sense of things. After that, the Al-Anon saying became relevant: "He's going to do what he's going to do. What are you going to do?"
Yes, I know of this addiction well with my exAH and it was another of his obsessions. Try not to take it personally this disease is cunning, baffling and all encompassing awfulness. I hate it and it nearly destroyed me. Onto after Al-anon I know the 3 C's You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. I know to refrain from the 4 M's Mothering, Manipulating, Managing, Matyrdom. I know Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I don't SMOTHER S-Save M-mother O-obsess O-own T-take abuse H-HP (be his or let him be your tin God) E-expect or R-react. I hope this helps you in mid spiral and don't forget to take care of yourself! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
When I ask questions like, "Is he trading one issue for another?"........ sometimes I can catch myself and turn it around on myself. That's what the program taught me to do, that there is often more truth... and spiritual guidance for ME.... when I turn it around to see there are 3 fingers pointing back at me.
If one has an addictive personality, it is common to have more than one addiction. However, as others have suggested, that may not be the case, you really don't know. I got into a conversation with my sponsor once, about my disapproval of porn... and was shocked when she said she and her husband enjoy it on occasion. What?!! I was taught to believe that it was the lowest of the low... pure evil. All she said to me was, "None of us is perfect, sweetie." It never occurred to me that it could be useful and fun in a healthy relationship.
Since I identify so much with your post (because you haven't done anything I, too, haven't done) I will gently suggest that you watch the stories going around in your head.......... it's probably not your husband that is causing you the anxiety to write a novel, it's your attachment to the stories you have in your head.
Instead, you may want to write about what is happening right now... you may notice that you are comfortable in your favorite chair, that you are well-fed, that it's a beautiful day.... you can write about all that is going well instead. When I journal my gratitude, I feel better. That's the goal. And the best part is, it grows... what I focus on seems to get bigger.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 1st of November 2011 08:43:36 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm also familiar with this issue. It wasn't the occasional use of porn, it was a time consuming, well-hidden, well-rationalized addiction. For me, it was harder to handle than drinking. It was harder for me to apply slogans and stay out of someone else's business when their actions felt like a very personal attack. In my case, finding a counselor that dealt with sex addiction was very beneficial and probably saved my marriage. I was ready to walk out and never look back.
Just my .02. For couples that may find porn useful or beneficial, hats off. However, when it's really addiction, it's a whole different story. I don't know where your situation falls - but I've been there, and I understand. Keep working it - it's hard sometimes, but you're doing good.
I think the real question might be: is he giving you what you need? I used to look at my ex and think, "He shouldn't do so much of that -- he's got a compulsion there -- he's out of control there..." That was all probably true. But really what I was worried about was, "Is there enough room in his life for me?" If he had been available to do things with me, to cuddle sometimes, to chat when I'd had a hard day, to talk about important stuff and silly stuff, and all of that, I would have been less concerned about whether he was doing X or Y. But he wasn't really available to do many of those things with me. I was getting short shrift from him. I kept thinking that if only I cleared out his compulsions to do the various things, there would be time and attention left for me. Now I don't think so. Now I think those things were insulating him from having to deal with the real world and with people close up. They were his armor. So I needn't have looked at what he was doing that wasn't being with me. All I had to look at was: Was he available to be with me? His words said yes, but sadly his actions said No.
The ex A had a thing for games. I really obsessed over it. As you may know I lived around alcoholics/addicts for the past 4 years. Most of them also had a thing about games. I can rage at an A for any reason. They are very difficult to be around.
I think the issue is that we all take it so personally. And its easy to do that. I felt the ex A abandoned me so much. In fact he was always abandoning himself.
I think for me the issue was how did I detach from it. Detaching for me was like giving birth. Giving up on my hopes/dreams for the relationship was a big mourning process. Believing I deserved more meant mouring that I had always settled.
This is such a good topic and for me, it explains why I think I have the illness.
I know deep down, that if my husband were to give up pot tomorrow, I would find something else to obess about.
I would find the amount of porn he looked at, the amount of time he spends fishing, the number of times he may or may not 'pleasure himself', the amount of times he spends having a beer with mates, the time and money he spends on the boat. There is always 'something' wrong.
this is the core issue for me. Yes he is addicted to pot, but I know I too have the problem of obsession over every thing that is not 'normal' in my eyes.
That was a big revelaton for me. My control issue. How DARE HE go and do soemthing off his own bat... how DARE HE look at porn and then not tell me, what else is he hiding rah rah rah...... OMG he 'self pleasured' .. that is disgusting on and on and on.....
How DARE HE actually have his own life and be an independent person.
This may not be the same for you, but I know the porn issue well. Ya know what.. it is true.. they ALL look at it.. I actually look at it too. I like some of it. Believe it or not, it ican actually be 'normal'. Perhaps he knew you would not be happy so he did not tell you.
I had an ex partner (note the ex part of that) who literally lined his walls with very graphic porn. He even had a porn shot on a chair that I sat on. I was with this man for 8 years. The obsession was complete when he was upset that I would not have sex with an animal so he could watch and take photos to sell...... now that is shocking.... that is an obsession... he didn't talk to me for days.
I am so sorry you are feeling what you are feeling, I know when I have that feeling it is totally devastating. My feet feel cold and I can't breathe adn I hate being alive....
I don't know your entire circumstance, but i offer you some support to put the porn into context. HOw important it is.. to you and to him.
I really do feel for you right now.
PS.. I also found the porn sites on cookies lists of my ex's and my current husband how??? I went looking for them, cookies don't just jump out at me.
I have always found there is healing when I write. I have felt like I wrote an entire phone book on one person in my life to help me detach and get closer to forgiveness. Keep up the good work. As you said, he is not doing it to you, he's just doing it.
