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I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had this phenomenon happen. I feel like I have just learned the lesson of detatchment [ well not with love, ] and self care, but not in the alanon way, instead in the wrong way.
What I have learned is this: heartbreak can be cured with fear.
My ex RA is REALLY acting up. No threat of physical violence, but it has come to me looking into restraining orders. My life has come to a screeching halt while I deal with the incessant caca winging my way. All I want is for him to go away. Due to his behavior, I am afraid for myself, afraid he'll take my dog, upset that he is now insulting anybody I talk to, and I am stressed out to the max. As a result, I don't care about his well being at all. I don't care if he drinks. I don't care if he doesn't drink. I don't care if he is homeless. He can do whatever he wants, feel however he feels, and tell me anything he wants and I feel no guilt. He is being an awful man and for once in my life, I don't feel bad saying that. I have to take care of myself from this unstable dude.
It's a very freeing feeling, but it's too bad that it came about this way. :( Hard lesson.
oh cripes ra ra- i completely agree with you- this is no joke- i think when their behaviour gets that bad- then you do get beyond the point of caring- me and my sister has got to this point many a time- my sister has cut mum out of her life and she says she doesnt get into the guilt cycle any more- as she has gone past caring- because there is only so much you can take- it really can wipe away all bonds. i think the restraining order is a very good idea- as he seems focussed on you at the moment and he is not able to let go at all or move on. its very sad when they get this bad and they get stuck in a cyclee of making it worse for themselves- only he can sort himself out at this point now.
I'm soooo sorry you are having to go through this living in fear is no way to live life in any way it totally goes back to survival mode.
I've heard it said in the rooms of alanon as well as here, sometimes detachment is detachment and it's ok if it's not the "alanon way" it's more important that you detach even if it's in anger. At least it keeps you from being sucked into the crap that is going on.
Once everything stops things will come into balance and all you can do right now is the best that you can do and what is in your own best interests.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hello Rara, I'm sorry he's putting you through this - you may also notice after he's gone and done, you may find yourself more detached from EVERY man you meet - After going through the same kind of stuff with my ex, I find myself looking at men from a detached observational point of view; I suspect I will no longer fall hard for a pair of pretty blue eyes or a voice, or a broad set of shoulders. I don't think there is a wrong way to learn a lesson, some ways are harder but then, for me, if the lesson I learned from mine didn't come the way it did, would I have learned it? Protect yourself.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Detaching in anger is one way that some of us do it. In some ways that is still focusing on them. For years I spent a lot of every day resenting the ex A. Resentment was one way to keep up a boundary. Eventually I learned to detach without feeling the anger.
I do believe many an alcoholic and addict in their behavior go out of their way to alienate every single person around them. As their disease progresses all they have left is the bottle and the drugs. Their best friend turns into their worst enemy that's part of it. Of course I'm not advocating anyone stay to " help" but I've seen many an alcoholic destroy everything, home, job, firendships, family and end up completely bankrupt emotionally and physically.
I detached in anger with the ex A for a long time. I also detached in anger at the roommates from hell. These days I have no desire to know about any of them. The reason I choose not to know is that I don't need to rather than I have to remind myself how awful they are.
