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I just need to vent as it's a snowy Saturday night in NYC and any feelings of tranquility during the day have been sapped. Yes, it is my qualifier (AH) who caused this all. But I have another battle, with my family, whose need to control, bully, threaten and strongarm me into banishing him from my life are causing me terrible angst.
Part of our separation agreement was that AH can visit our son when mutually convenient. He knows without doubt that he has to be sober around me and our son. He came over today. All was going ok - things were fine, he played with our son, and I did my best not to obsess over his recovery.
I have to hide AH's visits from my family since it results in a barrage of emails and conversations telling me what a piece of dirt AH is, and warning me about letting him back in my life. It should be easy to hide, but somehow they always figure it out. For instance, today mom told my sister to come over to see me tonight. I get a call from my sister saying "we're in the area, can we come up?" AH was still here, so I said "thanks, I'm going to sleep soon, no need." Two seconds later I get a call from my mother. She already got a call from my sister relaying this. So my mother says "Is AH there???"
Suffice it to say things went downhill from there. AH went home, I got a beating from my sister and mom, and all the strength and feelings of peace I had during the day are gone now.
I'm spending a lot of time trying to work on my recovery. I've yelled, cried, wanted to throw vases at AH, and felt sorry for myself, but now'm just trying to find some peace, through Alanon and therapy. So long as he arranges a time to come over with me and is sober, I let him visit. I don't know what they want from me. My own relationship with him doesn't negate that he's my son's dad. I've set the parameters, and he's sticking to them. I don't know what else I can do. I can't appease everyone.
I don't really know what my point is, other than I feel like cracking from this pressure. I'm not justifying anything or defending him. Yes, he's the one who started it. Maybe my family is right and that's what hurts. I don't know. Thanks for listening.
I suspect your family is worried that you might be starting up again romantically with AH. I would imagine their emotions are a result of their fear for you. But ...
But the fact is that it is much better for children to know both parents, unless the parents are actively destructive. If your AH is sober when he visits, it's good for your son to have a relationship with him, as much as is possible. That keeps your son feeling connected and keeps him from idolizing or demonizing his dad.
I wonder if this is a time for "What other people think of me is none of my business." And however scared your family is for you, no one has the right to harangue us and blame and try to make us miserable. People certainly have the right to state their fears and opinions calmly (and not over and over and over and over and over!). But just as we are urged to "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean," I think part of our self-care means that we are entitled to limit our exposure to people who say it mean to us. Of course, we can't control what they say. But we can set boundaries about how much we stay around to listen to it.
It's hard when our serenity is under attack from many angles. I hope you can keep on taking good care of yourself. Hugs.
You sound like you ahve been so strong in working your boundaries and paramaters with your partner. do ytou think you may be able to work it with your family???? Perhaps say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean. Mum/Sis, Yes you may visit however (AH) is here and is sober and spending time with his son, I am happy for you to visit if you are able to be polite around my childs time with (father). Just a thought. Then they may not feel like you are 'with holding' or lying to them about anything. They then have a choice too and you have put in some boundaries.
Be gentle to yourself, you are doing the best you can. It's not an easy situation to deal with, it does sound like you have an opportunity to make some boundaries for yourself regarding your family.
Your son has a right to his father, it doesn't matter if they like him or not .. he is your son's dad and always will be which means there is the possibility they are going to have to see him at other functions. It's just the reality of the situation and nothing they do is going to erase the fact that he IS a part of this kiddo's life and you guys are tied for life regarding your child together. No they don't have to like it however it IS a reality.
I'm learning how much I have to listen to other people's opinions about specific situations. If it's something that causes me great discomfort I can limit the time I spend, I can choose how much I spend with them and I don't have to allow their actions to manipulate me into things that are going to cause me pain or loss of my own serenity. I'm hoping the more I heal the more time I can spend with specific people and situations, and keep my serenity and the pain is less.
Yes, your AH is sick and he's made mistakes. This is situation is not all 100% on him, it sounds like everyone owns a part and the other lesson I'm getting a great deal of recently I only have to be responsible for MY part and allow others to deal with their own. How they feel about your AH really isn't your issue. That is something they will have to resolve themselves.
Hugs, take care of yourself, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are doing the best you can with what you've got. This is a difficult situation. I am proud of you for holding the line, making tiny progress all over the place.
I used to complain about my exAH to anyone who would listen and people would wonder why I was staying in the relationship. It was a hard lesson for me and Al-anon face to face meetings and my sponsor have helped me to get through most of it and change my ways. I have learned honesty and boundaries are my best policy so I can keep my head up and not try to act or hide from anyone. I am proud of who I am and how I am living and not afraid to face myself nor anyone else. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
