The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't want to wake up my sponsor. I know I should. But I don't want to. So, I'm writing here to keep my head from exploding.
Part of my disease, my addiciton, my co-dependency is obsessively checking up on my AH. I took all the power out of his HP's hands and decided I was going to run the show. The obsession came from my AH cheating on me. When I began to suspect he was cheating, my co-dependency and obsessive checking kicked into full overdrive. It made me even sicker. It got so bad that I left my children at home alone at night to go find my AH. And I found what any insane wife would find at 11 PM on a Friday night when she goes looking for her AH. (That was 2 years ago that I found them on a Friday night. There has been additional cheating since then.)
I know. Why would I stay? I know. I'm here for now because I am. I know I have choices. For now, for this moment, I am choosing to stay in my home with my AH living here.
My boundary is that if I find any contact between AH and the affair person, I will tell him to leave.
Tonight, AH is passed out in bed. His cell phone is easily accessible to me. I could check it. I know I could. AH was in the bathroom for a prolonged periord this evening. It could be drinking related. It could be affair related. My gut or my imagination, I don't know which, says he was texting his affair person. My gut or my imagination says the affair is active again.
I want to check his phone. But, I know what I have to do if I find something. I have to tell him to leave. That is my boundary.
If I check his phone, and find something... I know what it does to me. I lose my serenity. I lose my sanity.
I have 14 kids coming on Halloween for a party. Our daughter has a big concert tomorrow. I have an important meeting I need to go to. I have all this stuff that needs my serenity. Checking AH's phone will take that serenity away from me.
I've asked my HP to handle this. I've handed it over. But, it feels like my HP is taking forever to handle it. So, I keep trying to grab it back and fix it myself.
And, all I want to do is grab AH's cell phone and check. My inner voice says, "Don't do it." I know what checking does to me.
I know I don't have to accept the unacceptable. I know that. I know I need to let my HP and AH's HP lead the way. I need to stop grabbing the controls.
I really hate alcoholism. And my co-dependency.
HP, this one is yours because you know I can't check without reactivating my disease. Take care of my AH because I don't have the power to do it.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 28th of October 2011 10:54:16 PM
((((VVT)))) Your's is a perfect...or near perfect description of Self Will Run Riot. It for me so certainly demonstrated what addiction sounded like, felt like, worked like and caused my spirit to flee. I'm in that surrender prayer with you and am asking your HP to grab you and hold you close and tight so that you cannot reach out to take it all back. (((((hugs))))) let go....LET GOD.
That's it in a nutshell if you look then you are responsible for the "what next" issue. Patience is such a hard thing when it comes to God's time. You'll know when you know and more importantly you'll know when you are ready.
Sending love and support, Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
VVT, if your trust has eroded to the point where you feel the need to check his cell phone and all those other behaviors...that says it all. There is no trust in the relationship and that is just as bad, if not worse than him actually cheating on you. Also, you can't really work on trusting him when he's done things to not deserve your trust. You can trust your HP to lead you to the right decisions eventually, but that doesn't mean your HP is going to stop him from being a drunk or a cheat. God works in mysterious ways and you will only know in retrospect.
Don't be too hard on yourself either. In using the term "codependent" and saying you have a disease...you are not acknowledging that there are assets involved in your behavior...To be codependent at all you have to be caring....to check you have to be concerned.... You are a whole person made up of many different traits and only trying to improve here. I don't know if this is the case and only you can be the judge of this but I would not want you thinking you are so so sick and the world's worst codependent when in actuality, you are just in a bad relationship.
I don't think this is an example of self-will run riot either. It's you paying attention to a voice inside you that says you deserve better. The behaviors of checking his phone and such may be willful, but your lack of trust in him is not willful and he has earned that by cheating on you and behaving badly.
Trusting your HP and trusting your AH are 2 different things.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 29th of October 2011 09:29:18 AM
Posting here last night helped bring some peace to my raging thoughts. The crushing weight on my chest eased up. I slept a very deep sleep. And I feel better.
As much as I love my AH, he is very deep into his alcoholism and has established that he will lie, cheat, and drink. That is his plan. Now, I have to decide what I am going to do. Continuing to check up on my AH and torturing myself isn't healthy for me when I already know the answers to my questions. I am working on my acceptance before I choose my action.
There is no hurry. I can take my time to see what unfolds. I will know when I know what is right for me.
One thing I do know is that continuing to check up on AH and what he is doing disrupts my serenity. And I have come to love and treasure my serenity. It is a precious thing I want to keep.
One thing I do know is that continuing to check up on AH and what he is doing disrupts my serenity. And I have come to love and treasure my serenity. It is a precious thing I want to keep.
Nice to read that you are in a better frame of mind.
I find that when I honor and protect my peace of mind (serenity) I am much more likely to know the next best step for me.
Thanks for giving us an update.
take good care
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I wish I could hug you. I was right where you are exactly 5 years ago, and it is such a difficult, lonely and torturous place to be. I, too, left my kids home alone in the middle of the night. I checked the phone, I searched for the phone, I looked at phone records, I did drive-bys. I knew, and he knew I knew, and didn't care. I had a similar boundary for my ex after he came home from rehab, and I made the conscious decision to not look anymore and to "trust". Then, one morning I had to run an errand and saw him talking to her at a gas station as they each pumped gas. Coincidence or God's Plan, who knows, but I was ready. I called him at work that day and told him I'd be gone that night with the kids, and to move out. It was equally empowering as it was painful.
Its a rough journey, but you will get through it. Like you said, you will know when you are ready. When you give it up, it is amazing how the answers come.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You know I did the same thing when I began my journey in Alanon. I would get online here and start posting because it not only passed the time, but I was able to dump the thoughts of my head and hopefully refrain from checking up on my AH.
The other thing I would do was go on websites that had funny videos. I just love to laugh and I was able to see the lighter side of life. It sure helped me when it was 2 AM and he wasnt home, I could not sleep.
So this place is a miracle. I am glad you posted because quite a few of us have been there too and can relate.
