The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing pretty good about not saying anything when I know he's been drinking/is drunk. Apparently though I don't hide it well b/c he's always asking me "what's wrong, what's the matter, what's that look for" which he does to some extent the same thing while sober and before he even started drinking. I usually respond with "nothing, I'm tired, had a bad day at work" etc.
Anyways, tonight I finally told him, I'm annoyed cause you're drinking.
At first he accepted my statement then I don't remember what happened but the next thing I know he's yelling at me, "I guess I'm a bad person, you think you don't do anything wrong, you need to change, all you people judge me" and on and on and on and of course I am crying.
Now, how to move on?
I honestly thought I'd been doing pretty good about bringing peace to the house by not being a bitch to him about it. Guess I fail tonight.
You know, just as WE know the answer so shouldn't ask, "have you been drinking?"; I'm sure that THEY know the answer to "what's wrong? what's the matter, whats that look for?"
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
We ALL fall down it's just important to see where we need to stand up and try again. Step 1 I am powerless over people, places or things. The only thing I can change is myself.
Please be gentle with yourself, none of us arrived here over night it took time sometimes years, all I know is I can't change myself over night. I also know I can't fix my broken mind with my own broken mind. Keep coming back and just keep trying. It does get better and you are so not alone. :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You know, just as WE know the answer so shouldn't ask, "have you been drinking?"; I'm sure that THEY know the answer to "what's wrong? what's the matter, whats that look for?"
I was thinking the EXACT same thing as I was typing it out.
I've gotten very similar words from my AH. He has even told me I have a "smug look" on my face. One of my favorite lines was, "You think you are better than me. And you probably are." Said by my AH in anger.
The longer I am in Al-Anon and the more I work the steps, the easier it is for me to see the alcoholism talking in those words. These are not the words of my husband. These are the words of alcoholism.
So, I let the words go. I leave the room, read a book, make a cup of tea, do whatever it takes to move on with my life and not carry the burden of his words.
I remember what happened now. After I told him I was mad because he was drinking he said "you can feel that way, do you forgive me" and that made me SO MUCH MORE MAD! I said something along the lines of "I can forgive you but I know that doesn't mean you will stop"... then that's when he got really mad.
I hate when he says "do you forgive me" cause what am I supposed to say to that? Seriously, there is no repentance, just hot air. forgiveness what does that even mean? I know I can forgive someone to free myself. But to the person, your spouse, who asks for forgiveness then keeps doing the same thing... they are not sorry just giving lip service. Trying to make you look like the bad person.
Three things that have help me most when dealing with your situation...Body language, not reacting, and never asking an alcoholic a question you already know the answer to.
My body language plays a huge part in my relationshiop with my alcoholic. A gift I was given by a member of MIP I have tremendous respect for. Changing my body language didn't cost me a dime but has saved my serenity countless times. My alcoholic is going to do what she is going to do.... drink. I can't change or control that. Acceptance. By changing my body language, not treating her as a second class citizen, smiling, looking her in the eye when we are in conversation, and showing interest with no indication that I don't approve. I remember the days when I came home, knew she had been drinking and I had little or nothing to say, my body language said it all without saying a word. I changed, and the changes in me has made a change in her. It's not me against the disease anymore and life is better. I needed to do what the program told me, have the courage to change.
As many members on MIP know my favorite slogan is "Don't React" and there is a reason. With practice, lots of practice, putting my mind in gear fefore I put my mouth in motion has saved my serenity and peace of mind more than I care to admit. How important is it to for me to say what is on my mind when I am fighting a battle I can't win. Again acceptance.
Always take care of yourself first is what I was told at the first face 2 face meeting I attended. I've had a lot of bumps in the road, and I am a work in progress...RLC always practice and do what this program suggest. It works when "I" work it.
((((callmemara)))) I so understand where you are coming from!!! I have a face that tells it all...a gift passed down from my Mother LOL!! If I am angry,confused or just plain dislike someone it is written all over my face.I'm working on getting a grip on that and it isn't easy since I have no idea that I'm doing it...I've also been told that "if looks could kill so and so would be dead"
If only I could use my power for good instead of evil :P
From RLC " ...and never asking an alcoholic a question you already know the answer to." How absolutely priceless and mentoring.
We are all in the learning stages and since recovery is about progress and not perfection...staying in the learning stages is where I want to be. Everytime I act smart like I've got some kind of power or permission to do my own will/thing I get torched. My forgetter gets to working perfectly and I find myself in a quick draw contest without my shooter. I will loose everytime until I learn that the real work is to not try to win.
I love all the lessons on unconditional acceptance (love) and that major part of the definition of alcoholism that I learned in early program....Alcoholism is a disease NOT a moral issue. It isn't about being bad...it's about being sick!! I don't know how many times after I learned it that I was grateful for knowing I still had my own butt to sit on.
(((((callmemara))))) as Tom said this isn't about stupid. Alcoholism can take down Rocket Science any day of the week. The last word of the second step is S A N I T Y. Try dealing with a drunk with the same brain that you'd deal with sane a person and you will end up feeling insane. You cannot out think a disease it doesn't relate. When I forgot that I use to imagine being in a football game with the disease in my alcoholic/addict wife and say out loud, "Disease 7...Jerry F 0" then I'd go find something else to do with my time.
Don't beat yourself up...2 against one isn't fair. (((((hugs)))))
i personally dont think there is anything wrong with having genuine fear and emotion over someone elses drinking- and its not up to you to surpress all this- for a peaceful homelife- it takes two to make a peaceful homelife. and if someone is drinking then they are not making a peaceful homelife. Thats why he flared up- because you touched on something which he knew was wrong and he doesnt want to address or accept it. bullying someone into accepting your drinking without question is also wrong. i get really concerned about al anon and what is said on this board- more and more concerned about it every day because increasingly it seems to be dominated by partners of alcoholics who think al anon should be used to help them accept their partners drinking about question- without reaction. peoples feelings are valid- and i dont think its right to push them down and think they must come second place to the persons drinking. i understand that you dont control it or cause it, i understand if you cant control it its easier to accept it. but surely this doesnt mean pushing your own feelings down?
I get a similar thing "you are always different every time I have a smoke". Now I just say, "I know that is not true, it is you who thinks that" I know it isn't true because most times when he has a smoke, I am at work. Last time I said, "So I am in a bad mood nearly every day am I"? He had no answer for that.
He says he feels guilty and I think that is the root of it all. He feels guilty.
It is his problem the way he feels, it is my responsibility to be as good to me as I want to be.
I am not there yet.. I am still with you at times... why should I be happy about something I don't like... I can't help it if it makes me sad or angry....
I think what th eguys here have achieved is that it really honestly shouldn't matter or make a difference to my day if he has or hasn't been smoking/drinking. In what way does that affect MY day and what I am going to do? It shouldn't, but it does.
I have only managed it a couple of times, but when I did, I noticed I felt better.... I didn't really care if he felt better or not
It may help to remember that they use alcohol and drugs because they can't manage conflict and emotions so when you challenge them.....guess what? You are still dealing with an emotionally immature person who doesn't deal well with emotions.
I drank because I wanted to check out and not feel anything. It was hugely irresponsible and left others holding the bag while I was childish. I do not know if it helps you guys at all to know that the biggest a drunk drinks is to not feel feelings. It certainly does explain their intense reaction when you do stir up feelings in them when they have been drinking (or using). They don't want to feel, don't want to deal with reality and you just made them.
You don't FAIL, especially if you learned from how that night went. My A always liked to make me feel bad about myself and give me more things to work on within myself to further distract myself from his ripples knocking our family down with his sickness. It is the nature of the beast, please don't beat yourself up! Practice self care. Have you read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I think boundaries are very important for our own protection. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
"Progress not Perfection" is one of the Alanon slogans. There is no way I could do anything perfectly in this program. Often I take two steps forward and one backward as long as I am heading in the right direction, it will all work out.
