trying to get off the insanity roller coaster (again) - Al-Anon Family Group

sookie · Senior Member

trying to get off the insanity roller coaster (again)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sookie

I too struggled with not reacting and "pretending and denial" I was very good at stuffing feelings and pretending all was fine Alanon told me "Feelings are important" Not to react becasue these are not true feelings just reactions to a situation.

I learned how to stop, say the serenity prayer and then "respond" by saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean. It works I did not have to curse, and scream but I did need to express my feelings and validate myself.

This is a difficult road, making calls to alanon peole and sponsers also helped to clarity wat I needed to say

Keep on showing up for yourself.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Sookie,

One of the daily readings in "Courage to Change" says that noone can make you feel any particular way without your consent. I like this concept a lot, because now, whenever someone says or does something I don't like, I try to say to myself "I'm not giving them consent to hurt me." Your anger is totally justified and legitimate, but you don't have to allow it to eat you up inside. Why give him the power? You can take it back. It doesn't mean you have to be in denial about what he's doing. You can accept and acknowledge that he's behaving in an irrational and obnoxious way (as A's do), but you can decide how much to let it bother you.

I'm not suggesting this is easy by any means. For me it's been about learning a whole different type of behavior, and goes against my first instinct, which is to be furious. But as with most things it gets easier with practice.

In support, nyc

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Sookie,

I can say for certain the best thing I did and the thing that got my AH's attention was I stopped yelling. YES, I still get angry, I still get frustrated however I have stopped yelling. I have had moments where I have held onto the kitchen counter, counted to 10 (HA HA .. try 100) and then opened my mouth to speak. A couple of times I white knuckled the steer wheel of the van .. lol. The point for me was I stopped yelling and I stopped stuffing my feelings. I certainly don't have it down and probably 1 or 2x since I really started working the program I sincerely lost my temper and did yell (I don't cuss even when I yell). It's nice because it just doesn't happen as much and I still am able to express myself and I can articulate what I want to say and how I need to say it.

When there is something I am not sure about I do call my sponsor or talk things out with an alanon friend I trust. I do go to How Important Is It and THINK ( Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind). I can pick the time I wish to bring something up OR I can let it go the point is I get to choose what and how I express myself.

Hugs it does get easier, and like I said I still stumble around in the dark looking for the light switch from time to time. P :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH blamed me for lots of things. Still does. The thing is with blame, I can choose to either accept it or not. If I do, I feel bad and guilty and whatever else the other person wanted me to feel. But the thing is, I don't HAVE to accept it. I can shut it down at the pass with a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and either change the subject or get away from the situation.

Those are my .02. No need to stuff the feelings, for sure - but definitely choose to hand responsibility for the blame back to the correct person and not absorb it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ok and what good would blowing up do? It only hurts you and the kids.

Sadly he is doing the nature of an A. So my thought is, what makes one make these kind of plans when we know what can happen?

This is where working on us comes in. We do no good if we set them up. NO it is not your fault, but if you invite a dog over that bites once in awhile when we invite them they bite us, its the nature of the beast.

Ok my ex AH lives with a woman of ill repukes, (Popeye)I want to go see him and see if he will come over for the day. I bring us up here. Next thing I know he has drank.

Do I get mad? No. Am I disgusted? No. He is an A,he drank.But if he is quiet,or talkative, or we just watch a movie and eat, or watch the fire, if he repeats himself,trips, as long as he does not fall down the steps to the river I am glad he is here.

But the boundaries are, no cussing around me, be kind, be nice to the animals, no complaining, no abuse, no breaking things, no trying to build a fire...no standing at the open gate to the steps down to the river, (and after all this becuz I MIGHT push you down!) haha NOT really.

If he went over the boundaries, in the car we go, take him back home. If he is belligerant, I might say hey I need to do something. gotta go to town for a sec, then off I go to drop him off.

So in learning to protect me, be my own best friend this is how I think.

Seriously I would never do this.

anyhooo I know it is MUCH harder with kidoos involved, I guess more the reason not to plan this sorta stuff. ugh.

hugs,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I thin kthere is a difference between getting angry and reacting.. and responding to a situation.
Too often I do the anger, or do nothing. If I do not yell and scream out loud, I do so in my head and in my heart. I rage on the inside.

You are not the cause of his behaviour. If we had that much power over thier behaviour, if we really could make them do anything, then we could make them stop. This is not the case is it. We are either powerful or not. We are NOT powerful over thier behaviour.

Does he understand your boundaries about not being drunk around the children??

By the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

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