The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Well, that didn't work. I've been doing so good just going on and not letting things bother me. But, I just went off on him on the phone and hung up on him. The entire day yesterday I never heard from the ABF while he was on the road. He typically calls several times a day. The night before he had told me that he was having really bad pains and numbness in his fingers and toes. I was nervous because he hadn't drunk for a few days and his father and brother both had heart attacks at his age. But, even then I didn't call him except for one time.
He calls at six and said that he had been sleeping in the hotel all day. He was supposed to go to another city that morning to do another job. That told me that he had been drinking the entire night the night before. Which angered me, but I didn't yell at him or question it. I thought that went well.
Today, he calls and says that he's not sure if he's going to the 2nd job and will call as soon as he decides. I called and of course, no answer. He calls me an hour later and says that he is coming home. For some reason, I'm just furious. Whether I detach or pretend like I don't get angry, I'm still mad at the lack of consideration. It goes against everything I've believed in my whole life to let someone act like this. Am I compromising my values and beliefs to make this work...and why would I?
I don't know why I expected a miracle and thought that I could just be different in a few days, I'm impatient. I'm just a little deflated right now.
You say "It goes against everything I've believed in my whole life to let someone act like this." You can't control how he acts. I don't want to argue over semantics, but I think you meant that it goes against what you've believed in to actually put up with it. He is going to act like that cuz that is who he is right now.
You have not failed Becky. This is all about growth and discovery and not going completely bonkers while you decide what you are going to do in relation to your life and how you react to his drinking. Finding a balance between setting boundaries and accepting things that aren't going to change is what you strive for. This may lead you to being okay with him and being able to handle his drinking while staying in a relationship with him or it may lead to you "not putting up with it" because you find that his behaviors and his drinking are things you cannot accept. Anyhow, your program is going to be devised of you knowing when you should detach vs. when you should set boundaries. It is going to be such that your life is not 100 percent dominated by his drinking and your efforts to control it. It's never going to be 100 percent detachment/acceptance and it's not 100 percent setting boundaries of what you won't tolerate either, it's a multitude of coping skills and you are different than you were a few days ago because you are trying new things and are willing to learn.
Hi Becki - sorry you're going through this - been there done that and it sucks. Just remember - youre not letting him act the way hes acting hes doing it on his own and would do it regardless. You cant control his actions only yours. Hes acting this way because he hes an alcoholic. Part and parcel of the disease is being selfish, inconsiderate, and irresponsible.. Someone once said to me theyre not doing it to you, theyre doing it at you.
Detaching is one of the hardest, albeit necessary things, when dealing with an A. That is especially true with people like us, who are used to trying to take change the situation (until we realize it doesn't work). All the crying and begging I did led nowhere. When I let go and finally realized how futile it was, I started to feel just a bit better.
Of course youre angry. I was, and still am furious at the devastation my AHs drinking led to. The guy walked away from his job, for crying out loud. When I allow my mind to go there, my blood boils. I try to arrest the thoughts before they take over. Remember the 3 cs you didnt cause it, cant control it, and cant cure it. He will act like this until/unless he is committed to recovery. But you can take care of yourself.
Detaching in the true sense is not an easy thing its a process and takes lots of time, patience, and practice. Dont beat up on yourself. You are on the right track. Sending you much support, nyc
Mark, you're absolutely right. I'm torn whether I want to put up with this or not. I know that this is normal and I've read alot of posts of people that go back and forth. I just wanted to keep feeling good and have that "shield" that I had around myself to come back. It was pleasant. But the devil on my shoulder said to me, "don't let him treat you that way...tell him how you feel!" And, I did and hung up. But, I wish I wouldn't have even let it bother me..
I know in my heart that I'm not going to be able to live this way much longer. I need to keep my sanity until I can figure it out.
It sounds as if his personal situation is becoming worse. Either he's having heart problems and he's feeling very sick and that's why he slept all day, or he's deep in his alcoholism. If it's the first, he needs to check with a doctor, not just cancel his trip. If it's the second, it sounds as if he's really turned a bad corner and is heading downhill at a more rapid pace. They're both extra-severe developments so it's no wonder your own serenity was tested. Even if it's "only" heart trouble, people who won't seek medical help when they need it can be as infuriating and self-destructive as alcoholics. There's that same sense of denial -- "I'm fine, I'm on top of everything," while danger signals are blinking loud and clear.
Whatever the kind of denial he's in, naturally it's going to be stressful for those around him. It requires an extra level of serenity to stay calm in the face of so much self-destruction. It's tragic that we can't control it. But we can't. Take extra good care of yourself.
I think we all blow up from time to time. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know I worried myself sick about the ex A. Living around alcoholics and addicts has been very hard for me. Their chaos is in every moment of their lives.
Aloha Becki...That's a good practice event...you get to inventory how you did it rather than how he did. You are human...a very good one and you belong in this human group the rest of us are in...some days we do good and some other days very good and then there are days when we could have done better and we discover what we might do different if the situation ever happens again and we don't wait for that time. We're doing better...still we are always doing human. There is absolutely no one on the face of this earth that is going to do my will the way I want it at the time I want it and in the manner I want to have it done...might as well accept life on life's terms and go grab my Higher Power's hand and say..."Okay...you lead". Next!! Keep coming back you're learning good and passing it on. (((((hugs)))))
