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Well I don't know how much my HP thinks I can handle but I feel I have just been given too much. My AH is still in county waiting to go to rehab. He had transport papers to go but rehab denied him because of his paperwork. So today he goes back to court to fix it hopefully and then wait more weeks til a bed opens in rehab. Adn of course court is so backed up I will be spending my whole day at the courthouse....so thats the first let down.
Second my first grand daughter which will be born in december, the momma has to go to a specialist on wednesday because on the sonogram they found a blockage on the baby"s heart. Which I can't be there, its 2 hours away and I have school and a test that day. I have been keeping straight A's despite everything going on.
Third, this morning I found out my best friend who is only 28 has a tumor in the pituitary gland of her brain. Plus fluid and she has been having seizures in her sleep and didnt know it. She has been my rock since my AH went to county. And now she is falling apart.
I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Really I just want my husband home so he can hold me, which I know is not possible. I just know what to do anymore. I can only stay strong for so long then I will break.
I imagine this is a really difficult time, you are not alone. I'm thinking of your friend and family during this time.
Sending love and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so sorry you are going through all this...of course you're allowed to fall apart, it is impossible to be strong when life hands so much at you all at once. Sending you and your family prayers and support in getting through this tough time. hugs, nyc
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will move through this. Please keep coming back. Keep posting and sending strength your way.
I relate to all of it, I went through a period like this about 7 years ago... I became soo afraid to pick up the phone, fearing the next disaster.
And I did crawl in a hole, I crawled into alcoholism because I held a belief that a little drink now and then, would comfort me and help me to relax.
Today, I know that when life looks like this, God is just trying to pull me closer. It's a time when the rubber meets the road, a time to choose faith over my fear. They told me often that God never gives us more than we can handle... and I would argue, "then why did people end up in sanitariums?!!"... My sponsor replied, "It's because they tried to do it alone."
You are going to be okay.... just don't try to do it alone. Get with God.... Step up your meetings so you can lean on the fellowship and stay out of isolation (the dis-ease loves to keep me isolated so it can feed my fears) ... and keep practicing steps 3 and 11.
(((big hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Jmanning...These things aren't about you. Everything you described is really happening to other people. Yes, it's okay to cry and break down some. Of course it is. But these folks will benefit more from you just being yourself. Just be you and leave the outcomes up to your HP. The concept of dealing with all these pressures is "receiving grace" and you cannot do that while doubting your HP.
Your husband is not really suffering any "let downs" persay. He is receiving consequences for his actions. Nobody is making you go to court all day. You are learning to detach and that you will be okay regardless. Being dependent on affection from a person that constantly lets you down and makes horrible choices isn't the greatest scenario anyhow. Trust that this is what is meant to happen. It's his suffering more than yours. It's his alcoholism. He has a particularly vigilant form of it too so you can expect that if God has recovery in mind for him, it is going to come at the expense of a very low bottom. We alcoholic need a "bottom" that is low enough to keep us sober for the rest of our lives....Even then, many just keep drinking so that the rest of us can see what we are gambling with if we do drink. You don't have to fully understand it all. Asking "Why me???" is a toxic question though. At least it was for me. It made me think I had no role in choosing what was happening to me, that I was doomed to suffer, that other's didn't have the very same stressors, and I was all alone.
When you doubt God and fall too far into self pity, it will drown you. Chin up. I do empathize, I really do, but you are strong and you can choose to feel gratitude for what you have at all times.
In addition to the great supportive responses above, when I am feeling overwhelmed, someone working a strong program suggested I substitute, "What for?" instead of "Why me?". It helps open a dialogue with my HP, "What for, God?" It helps bring my focus to the serenity prayer, the steps, and the slogans.... to become still and see if I can change my perspective. I'll check with someone if I'm stuck (which is often), because I know I will have to think of something differently if I want to survive well.
I must admit I very much feel as if chaos is permanently happening around me. One things after another...and yes its ok to fall apart if it helps, of course. ( I fall apart regualrly but it hasn't helped me yet!) What i'm learning....very slowly....is that when life is unmanageable its because I have lost my focus on me..... My job is to be responsible for my own needs first.... (using that oxygen mask on that plane) and then when I am feeling stonger and have re-gained some serenity, then I can look at the needs of others.
Its really hard though when people we love are all falling apart around us.
I have to be able to self-care and not expect that hug from my AH because (even though mine is 5 years sober now) he is likely to be emotionally or physically unavailable. I can't depend on it...
Your story is not the same as mine but there are so many similarities its untrue! My daughter is having a baby in Dec. She has an issue with falling platelet levels.....We are chosing not the think about the haemorrhage danger during the birth.... Shes also on her own...no support., except for me....and I have CFS/Fibromyalgia. In Alanon we learn to deal with today and not to profect our fears about tomorrow. We'll deal with it IF it happens......
My next door neighbour and good friend has gone down with breast cancer as well as needing bowel surgery and has a colostomy now. I desperately wanted to help her through it....but my energy dropped away and I couldn't even visit very often.
My husband is stressed and struggling with anxieties... and that is leading to dry drunk behaviours.... and LOADS of meetings away...
My mother is an 89 year old Catholic and REALLY button pushing. guilt, guilt guilt!
Altogether its enough to force any angel to tear their hair out....
But I know I can't be everything for everyone And I can't change the situations my loved one find themselves struggling with..... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
I DO know that I can text and email. I can send cards and let people know I love them. I CAN show my love and concern as best I can without feeling the guilt of not being present..... courage to change the things I can
And I can go to meetings and meditate, improving MY relationship with Higher Power and re-inforce my knowledge that my loved ones also have their own Higher Power looking after them....and its not me........and the wisdom to know the difference...
Easier said than done I know.... But our Alanon job is to find serenity in our day despite what is happening in other peoples lives.... i don't think its meant to be easy xxx
Thanks everyone. After this day was over i sat back and reflected on what happened. First at court things went well and he is getting sent to rehab hopefully next week. And I was glad, not sad or upset like I was the first time they took him to jail. He is going to get help and I am going to work on myself. With my daughter in law and the baby, its okay if I can't be there when they go to the specialist. They know I love them and they will let me know what happens. And with my friend, I can be there for here but I do not need to take on the burden of whats wrong with her. She has family support and she knows I am here for her if she needs me.
After reading everyones response and just sitting here thinking. My HP has a plan I just need to trust and be patient. Actually today in court I was able to be there for an old coworker that was there for her son. i was able to give her information on getting her son help for his drug problem. so there was a reason for me to be there. Its not always about me or my AH, my HP had other plans.
Thanks everyone and to this site. Its been my saving grace..
its so easy to expect the worst and look at the negatives and end up going in a spiral of panic. when i think f2member above is right- you can only do so much and be so much and in the end all you can do is take it one day at a time and know that your HP or spirit guide as i like t think of it- has your back. its easy to panic - thinking you are on your own- but you never are. when it comes to it- that worst scenario rarely happens- we panic- then things kind of work themselves out. this week i was panicking about the electricity bill- but this man turned up and fitted a meter and i got through the situation.
your grandchilds heart has a problem- this is very worrying and sad, but with faith im very sure it will reach a positive conclusion- with medical science being as it is- healing is a very real possability.
