The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm at work, trying so hard to focus because I have so much to do. I'm so beyond aggravated and I just want to scream. I'm repeating to myself that I can't control this, that I can only do what I can do. That my AH has a disease.
We had a conversation last night, I found out the previous evening (while AH was drunk and high) that my AH has not paid his parents back for any of the bills for the house where we live. It's their house, and when I found out we'd been sponging off his parents I was furious. I talked to him about it last night before he started drinking and he stated that the original agreement had been we would start paying at the begining of the year, and he had tried to give his mom money and she wouldn't take it. Which makes sense. His mom grew up with an abusive A father so she tries to fix everything and her not taking money is something I've seen when he has tried to pay her back for other things. I told him that whatever the agreement has been it is time for us to start paying for our own bills. We had a great conversation, I told him I will not nag him regarding the ownership of bills as well as his statement that he would look into a better book keeping system for his business. I stated that I expect him to follow through and I might ask how it's going but I will not do this for him or ask him every day what he is doing.
We had a great time playing disc golf, took the dog to the park, enjoyed each other then I went to the gym. So by the time I got home from the gym I knew he'd been drinking, I don't have to ask I just know. Which means I will listen and be nice but I don't engage in conversation. He was short with me, which means he was thinking about our conversation and not happy with me. His daughter's mom was trying to set up what time we would have her for the weekend and he was telling me that she is just out for herself and I don't know all the things she has done to him.
I got to bed as quickly as possible. I'm learning the cues. I resent self pity and poor me, so I don't engage in the conversation there is no point. I have a man who is so incredibly smart, and so capable and the conversation we had earlier was such a good one. Then he started drinking and was mad at me for pointing out that he is capable of so much more, and pointing out that I expect more. Just because he has a disease doesn't mean that I can't hold him accountable fo his actions.
I am accountable for me. I will continue to work hard at my jobs and do the best job that I can do. I will contribute and encourage. I will not nag. I will remember that this is a process and I am only at the begining.
Just a gentle reminder.... today, you are in a point of your recovery where your focus is on him.... your moods, your reactions, your serenity - are all 'way too heavily' affected by him..... Not judging - we have ALL been there...
As you grow in your recovery, you'll learn to use the tools so that you will be LESS dependant on what he does or doesn't do, and MORE dependant on yourself..... It is indeed a process, and you are well on your way...
Keep coming back
Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 28th of October 2011 10:42:05 AM
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Finding appropriate ways to let off steam is essential to any recovery program. In the beginning I didn't know what to do with all of my anger and frustration. Getting busy helps me take the focus off of my problem of the moment and put it into perspective. It sounds like you are really trying to keep things above board and work a solid program. Very honestly I've repeated the Lord's prayer, Our Father who art in heaven .. some people use the serenity prayer. This is where picking up the phone and calling a sponsor or alanon friend is huge. It just helps to know you aren't out there swinging on the vine alone there are others out there with you.
I understand the frustration over money and how when there is no communication getting blind sided with information you had no idea was going on or coming down the pipe. I have no ESH outside of you can only do the best you can do with the information that is available. I have to tell myself this often because I am dealing with money issues of a different sort. I'm just letting the cards fall where they may and allowing my AH to deal with the repercussions of his choices. Choosing not to make a decision or act on something is still a choice.
All I can do is be responsible for my actions and my part in any given situation. I don't know if that will bring you comfort. You are doing a great job!! Give yourself an atta girl. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think my frustration and anger today is in part because this does get to me. I realized that I can't live angry, so I need to learn how to deal with all of this.
Thank you both for the encouragement and words of wisdom and information.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I can't recommend enought the help I got from this book. First of all expectations. Having them around an alcoholic is so critical.
I certianly felt when I got into a relaitonship with an addict that I could merge our funds. He always resented that I didn't pay more. In fact I paid far more than he did!!!
There are often pretty sticky family situations around an alcoholic. For me that felt normal for such a long time. I started to have boundaries and believe me that did not go down well at all. In order for me to have boundaries I had to get some self esteem to believe I was worth having boundaries. I also had to do a fair bit of venting because I was certainly furious a lot of the time. Venting to other people did help I got to the point where I had vented...and was calmer...
The ex A felt that a suggestion was nagging. The only thing that wasn't nagging was when I gave (which I did till I was almost penniless). The irony was that he resented when I gave too.
Alcoholism is a really serious disease. These days I have a lot of respect for it. I understand it and I know that I can't win against it.
I actually just finished reading Getting Them Sober as of today at lunch. I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer.
I know that I have to learn how to not have this anger, and it's why I'm here. I have no patience and I wanted all this solved yesterday and that's not how it works.
Venting helps, a lot, to a point, then I have to stop thinking about it and move on.
I've been exactly where you are, sitting in my chair at work and not being able to focus. Praying that I can let go of the anger. You are doing the right steps. Someone once encouraged me to take care of myself when I'm so upset. If you were to treat yourself as you would your best friend in a situation like that, what would you want to do for that person? Try to give yourself a little of that loving and caring attitude. If nothing else, it makes the day a whole lot more pleasant!!! Hang on to the good things. You seem like a very strong person and you will make it through this. One day at a time!
