your thoughts on my problem please. - Al-Anon Family Group

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

your thoughts on my problem please.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The home is just a piece of the consequences of his decisions. "He's walking away" is the action. Alcohol destroys the brain and the ability to think clearly therefore the last word of the second step; being restored to SANITY. Sounds like an abandonment and a run from my experience and also irresponsible behavior. There is his thoughts, feelings and actions and then there are yours...You get to work yours whether he is on the same page or not. If you stop working yours and follow on to his that is one of the descriptions of enabling behavior. I went from reasonable resistance to the addict and then alcoholic/addict into enabling their wills, beliefs, desires and actions right into full fledged clinical insanity. I knew from the get go that their perceptions, ideas and solutions were crazy but decided to support them myself and then I was a wreck. When I got back into my value systems with the program to support me I arrived back at sanity...not perfection...sanity and life is much more easy in sanity than outside of it.

Inventory your situation with a sponsor in the program and if you haven't one yet...that would be a great next step to recovery.

Keep coming back...In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, which is all I have to offer you, people with addictions have difficulty with making big decisions in life. It depends sometimes on the age they started using, if young, often their ability to problem solve is limited.

That is not an insult, it is just a fact, in my experience. They are very stuck in their ways often, especially if still using. Decisions on things like moving, selling, buying etc are hard for them.

My husband, before he was my partner and just my friend, was considering leaving the town where he lived. It took him about 3 years to make the decision. Once he did, it took a further 6 months before he made any plans at all. Then, I helped him pack his house as he said "yes i am moving", but didn't get any boxes, make any phone calls or anything. He decided also that once he moved.. he woudl quit the pot, new place didn't know anyone and all that.

I find, once they make a decision and do it... it is in a big way.. or a 'spur of the moment big choice' like walking away from the house. It is just too hard and out of thier ability often.

My husband wants to buy the business he is working for. He has been talking about it for 6 months. He only just got an accountant to look at the books now. To him, he has been planning it for a while... to me.. it is just talk.....

He is not lazy or anything, he really honestly does not have the ability. It is all too hard so before you know it, its too late and your house is gone.

Unless of course its a fishing trip.. that seems to get thought of and planned pretty darned quickly.. (hear the sarcasm dripping hehehehehehe).

As much as it annoys me to pieces, I know I have to make the big decisions that affect me. Theother ones, like him buying a business.. he has to do that in his own time.

If he could really see the trees for the forrest, he would quit smoking dope too.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Thank you, that does make a lot of sense.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It is certainly possible to let the bank foreclose, but it ruins your credit, and you'll have trouble getting any kind of credit for a long, long time. In these days when many people owe more than their house is now worse, there are big debates about when it is ethical to walk away from a house, especially if there are ways you can keep paying.

This would be a decision that ideally both people would make together after a lot of research and long thoughtful talks. That doesn't seem to be what's happening in your house. A month and a half is hardly any time at all to wait in this market. To sell that quickly, you'd have to price the house quite low. (A realtor friend of mine had a saying, "There are no unsellable houses, there are only houses that are priced too high.") Maybe you owe too much on the mortgage to lower the price enough to sell it that quickly. I know people who've had to wait a year before their house sold. "Walking away" from it is a pretty drastic step, though, and this is pretty soon to do something that drastic.

Alcoholics aren't known for their careful, responsible decision-making, though.

What the next step is might be difficult to figure out, as you have not only the job/money/house problem, but the fact that it's hard to pull together with an alcoholic. Whatever happens, do take good care of yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Anyone who loses their home is usually horribly upset. To me that makes sense.

Anyone who quits a job, moves to another state, leaves his wife and kids behind, wife did not want to do this, to me is not sane. And does not have any respect for his wife.

In my experience of many friends still married to the husband of their youth would NEVER think of doing such a thing.

What happens when he is tired of being married, tired of working at all?

I completely relate to what Jerry said.

This makes me feel very uncomfortable!! The question is how does it make you feel?

NO way would I leave my home just becuz my husband decided on his own to take off and leave me with all the responsibilities. Plus being here many years I can tell you I have seen it too many times when our members are stuck somewhere they followed their A.

I am glad you asked this question! You are really thinking and reaching out. That is progress and a miracle in progress.

love,debilyn

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I know, I totally agree with you all. Believe me, I see the crazy in this. I think you should always handle all your finances with integrity. The problem is, the more I resist, the more fighting it brings on.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

after having a bankruptcy and considering walking away from the house (all due in part to my AH losing his job) I decided to keep the house. Laws vary state to state, and I was told that some banks may come after you for the difference between what is owed on the house and what they sell it for (which could be big money in some circumstances).

I was SO scared at trying to make everything work budgetwise on my own...I called the bank and told them I was divorcing etc. etc...and they were WONDERFUL. reduced my payment (by$700/month) and the interest rate. Key thing for me was I had not ever missed a payment, and I called to tell them I would have difficulty in the future. I didn't wait until I hadnt made a payment or something...

I decided to keep the house for ME and the kids.

What do you want? Do you have kids? will they have to switch schools? Focus on what YOU want to do. And if you aren't sure, you dont have to make a decision right away...when in doubt , don't. wait a while, no need to fix it right now...

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs GG,

I tend to go with the what is in your best interest motto. Information truly is power, call and find out what the banks willing to do and how they can help and so on. I know in my own experience A's tend to react vs act in things that are big. It kind of sounds like he's in the moment of missing his family and not thinking past that. I also know in my own experience with my AH that his is related to an "Ism". I've seen the same decision process in his brothers as well.

Hugs P :)

PS You will at least have knowledge to make an informed decision/choice.

-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 28th of October 2011 07:44:04 AM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Piggybacking on what rehprof said, I have experience with foreclosure work and yes indeed when the bank sells the house they will sue to cover any shortfall. If a judgement is secured, then monies in bank accounts may be garnished.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I am hoping you are making Al-anon face to face meetings and have or can find a sponsor. My meetings and sponsor helped me to find myself enough to face and deal with some very hard decisions like what you are facing. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.