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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update
Post Info TOPIC: Update
rara avis


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Update
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Hello everyone,

 Just an update since I haven't been on here much and don't want to be rude by just disappearing! 

 My RA has access to his storage and stuff, getting him there was a comedy of nuisance. The only concern now is that I have his plants, so getting them back to him at some point could be problematic. I've been getting calls and emails which I have been completely ignoring - this used to be REALLY difficult for me to do! Best of all, I changed my phone number, which turned out to be a freaking GREAT idea. It's like instant serenity over the airwaves. The phone # and phone we have together I'm just letting phase out [ contract ends in February] I'm loving the new phone number! 

 I'm also very very sad and lonely. My RA - who I thought I was going to marry - did some really nasty things. [ I just erased the last story, trust me, it's mean ]  I told him I was sorry he was sick, but it's HIS sickness and it's up to him to help himself. Anyhoo I am not talking to him at ALL and I am probably  being painted like a villian around town. I'm sure I'll see him again sometime but in the meantime I'm hoping to gain mental strength until that day arrives. 

 So I am okay but hurting. Alanon has been very helpful. A counselor I am seeing w/20 yrs. of her own sobriety has told me I dodged a bullet, so I am VERY grateful I did not marry this guy! I am grateful that to have heard similar stories, which helped me forge ahead sooner rather than waiting years down the line for a fulfilling relationship w/this man which would never come. 

 My friends have been wonderful, and so has this board. Thank you, everybody.

 

-rara avis



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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Rara. You have done yourself a service. When I complained about being lonely, I was told I was only as lonely as I made myself. I did not see that being in a relationship wasn't the only way to cure loneliness. There were meetings, all sorts of fellowship activities, church things, and just going out with friends. Until you are ready and dating someone new seems right, those are things I would suggest. Don't sit at home and wonder "what if?" Get busy making your life even better and fuller today :)

Mark

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Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs RA,

I love love love what Mark said, when you start having a life believe me things happen that are so wonderful. I'm not talking about finding a relationship I'm talking about something better having a relationship with yourself and a relationship with your HP.

Good for you on being proactive and changing that phone number, funny how quickly that changes things around. The other thing is it's none of my business what other people think. They don't have to live your life they don't have to deal with the same situation. You only need to do what is in your own best interest.

Hugs sister friend, things really do get better, you have worked so hard and this is the pay off even with some of the loneliness it's all good.

Hugs again P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Doozy


Senior Member

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Posts: 288
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Hi RARA :) It's good to get an update and I'm glad that you're doing okay. You've been through a lot these last few weeks! It must be tough, but you sound strong and resilient. I bet you keep feeling better and better with some time. These are times I find it's super important to be gentle with yourself and keep reaching out!

~ Doozy



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Debilyn


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The re is the mail. When I had no contact but needed to tell AH something or tell him how to do something I just sent a quick note.

One could take plants to storage, give a day they will be there that is that.

Lonliness is like any emotion. Does not mean necessarily you don't want to be alone as you could be anywhere with anyone and feel it.

Of course you feel empty. You have been thru a lot. You lost your dream. that hurts.

most all of us will miss our A or other loved one who is A. We love them, they are very sick. We don't stop loving someone becuz they are sick.

I still love  my husband the same. its the monster who he became I hate.

hugs, you are doing wonderfully! debilyn

It helps me to read, watch movies,putter outside, do my chores, go thrift shopping. etc. Doing htings I love helps

.



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
orchidlover


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I don't think anyone ends a relationship stat overnight. There are always a lot of loose ends to tie up.  I spent almost a year tying them up.  I think its been a couple of years to get to its over...

Maresie.



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orchid lover
rara avis


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Posts: 200
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There is a loose end - the ex RA himself! I was walking out of the house w/a neighbor [ we were carrying a ladder, in the friend/neighbor fashion he was helping me w/a couple of house upkeeps] and 'lo there my ex RA was! He dropped off a couple of mops, a pile of bamboo stakes, and then threw two rags at me, saying "These are yours!" And ignored my neighbor. Then he peeled out. Then he drove back and parked his car right out front. I was walking the dog at that point and ended up asking the neighbor to see if he'd left his truck because I didn't want to come home and see him, obviously he came over to 'talk' to me. He is being a big bully.

To be honest it was very unnerving. The hatred in his eyes was unmistakeable and my neighbor felt a nasty vibe too. ex RA has never been violent or threatening by any stretch of the imagination. But to be the focus of such total blame and hate by someone who ...ahem...has pooped on the floor!....is rattling. I'm not comfortable being home alone right now. At this point I think Serenity will come from sleeping elsewhere, or having a friend sleep over if I can swing it.

Ugh



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Pushka


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Hugs RA,

UGH is right!! Please take care of yourself I want to say and strongly suggest you get an order of protection. Your safety is important and this is just me I have little trust in anyone who is in an altered state of mind. My issues however I have survived some pretty scary stuff, my instincts have served me well. You know your situation best and you know your ex best. You keep calling him an RA and he doesn't sound like he's in any kind of recovery based upon his responses.

I hope you got some sleep and you are rested soooo sorry you are having your peace and safety threatened even if he does nothing, the idea he would just show up like that is very unnerving.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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