The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've got an amazing friend who I love dearly and we probably know each other better than anyone else. They are really truly amazing.
I'm having challenges trying to remind them I am more than my AH's issues. They are getting stuck in their own past at the moment and there is a part of me that wants to shock them into the present. I know not very nice and not very alanon life however good grief. I just want to shake them and remind them I happen to be more than my AH's issue and SO ARE THEY!!!
Does any of this make sense? Does anyone have any ESH about this kind of situation?
I should probably add I'm a tad crabby, I'm battling a major cafeine headache and I thought it was going away and came back harder. I still feel like if I don't address this in a positive way, I'm going to get swallowed up in someone else's obsession.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Is the issue that they are not letting go of your issues with your AH? or do they have their own issues that they are obsessing about? I no comprendes...
They have issues they are focusing on and at the same time they are focusing on my AH's issues as well. They are not seeing ME. What they see is themselves in my situation. I don't know if that is making sense or not. LOL .. I'm having challenges verbalizing what I'm feeling.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ibelieve that I hear YOU. IF I understand CORRECTLY-- your friends are in somewhat of the same boat as you and are and are talking about their partners and your partner and wanting you to share the pain of living with your partner.
They do not hear you explain that you are using new tools, have found a different way and want to recover yourself and focus on your life.
It is hard. Friends and family are so use to relating to us in a certain manner that changes are hard for them.
I keep validating MYSELF do not go over to their side and discus my partner, do not buy into the "woe is me" drama and discuss positive opportunities.
I have lost some friends but my sanity was worth it.
Keep on growing you are doing great
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 27th of October 2011 11:03:31 PM
It's not so cut and dry and I don't want to put everything out in a public post. Suffice to say we both have the alanon program and we are each healing at a different rate. They have a LOT to offer so it's not that, it's they are on a different path to get to the same destination. LOL .. is that politically correct enough? They are a decade friend and I have refrained from saying much. I'm just kind of tired of having everything I say analyzed and picked apart. How come my AH driving turned into he's going to have a slip? It's that kind of stuff, it's not where my original conversation started.
I think I'm going to have to take the reigns back and redirect the conversations when they start getting heavy. I'm going to start stating when conversations start going down the twisted path that, I just want to talk about something that is not going to make my brain hurt .. lol. Normally I can handle it better, it's just bothering me more because of this stupid headache and my patience level is not where it needs to be.
It bothered me because I noticed it interfering with my attitude with my AH and we've come soooo far. He hasn't done anything wrong and I don't need to treat him as if he has.
Thanks for listening I'm just kind of stumbling around in the dark looking for the light switch .. LOL. I think I ran into a couple coffee tables and a book shelf looking for the wall. :)
Hugs P :)
PS - Thank you for hearing me as I stumble through some of this stuff. :) It feels good to be heard. :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Thursday 27th of October 2011 10:38:50 PM
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
So tough, I like the suggestion of changing the subject, whether directly or indirectly. Saying this makes your head hurt would be a good way to get off the topic. Another suggestion, if it's possible, is to just come up with a reason to leave.
It's hard when conversations make you resent your AH, I've had a few of those and I really have to watch my own attitude towards him.
While the situation may be different, I am also in a position where I frequently have to take the control of conversations to keep them from going down a bad path. With me, its my family (esp mom), who is trying to strongarm me into no contact with AH. I love them, they have legitimate concerns, and dont blame them. But the tactics dont work eg., constantly demanding assurances that I wont go back to him, getting angry if I allow him to visit our child (when sober, of course), and basically interfering in my process of recovery. Dont get me wrong they are more in the right thatn he is. He caused this pain, they are just reacting. However, their methods are hurting me. Ive reacted a little differently over the past week than I would have pre-alanon. Normally, if I'd get an annoying email or comment from my mom, Id react in anger. Now, Ive decided to ignore it. Mind you, Ive been getting several such emails over the past week. Before reacting, I just take a breath, and disengage. I realize she is doing this out of love and care for me. I realize she is just trying to protect me, However, I know that engaging in a debate about this would result in no good. Ive found that dropping the issue has helped. She doesnt bring it up again, nor do I and it passes (at least for a time). For me it has been the only way to preserve a good relationship with my mother, whom I love. People often mean well, but you know yourself best. Getting caught in a storm can be messy, sometimes just lying below radar is the best thing to do until it passes. Sending you esh,
I don't know if it's the exact same situation ... I do have 2 friends with whom I regularly used to (pre-program) discuss every aspect of my relationship with my A, the ins and outs of my A's bad behavior, all the drinking shenanigans, etc.
For a long time after I got in recovery, I didn't want to discuss those things anymore, but they did. They asked questions and made comments bc they didn't know how my life had changed. They may've enjoyed the drama or may've been seeking out what had become the norm (me hash and rehash about other people, and that was it - no other topic of conversation, never about anyone but me - well, my qualifier, really). I never said I didn't want to discuss it anymore, but I don't discuss it now. I start topics of conversation that either have to do with me or with the other person - not with a third party that isn't present. If a third party gets mentioned, I steer the conversation back onto the people that are present. One of my biggest character defects pre-program was gossip. I've really had to work hard to stop discussing other people when they aren't present. It has not been easy. I only discuss them now in the context of how I am feeling or what I am doing, but don't make them the focus of the conversation. I also find that I'm really uncomfortable listening to other people talk about people that are not present, and I also try to steer those conversations back into "what are YOU feeling" or "what are YOU doing." I can't change the other person, but I sure can choose what comes out of my mouth or what I expose my ears to :).
It' like that in a way, .. I did disclose a lot. They are in recovery as well. Sometimes I think we know to much about each other and maybe that's not a good thing either. I do laugh over some of what gets said, some of it should really hurt my feelings and it does catch me off guard. It was brought up how much my AH works to much (this was them) and he does for good reason .. paying the DUI bill and eating are a GOOD thing (that was my response) .. lol. Well son of a gun, what I get back from yes, you know he has a lot of financial responsibility he is carrying .. from them I get .. Ohhhh .. he's having an affair at work, he just has to be because no one works those kinds of hours. Really? Does anyone think I need to hear that? What was that about? What I should say in that moment and I haven't is .. why would you say that? That's pretty hurtful to put that out there in that way, knowing how truly insecure I feel at times. So this really is on me and speaking up when I need to speak up and finding my own voice, as my beautiful daughter discovered this week it's not always easy it's always necessary. OR things continue to escalate with outside pressure. Plus I'm thinking thinking things and actually verbalizing them are two different things. We've always been very honest about stuff going on, at the same time .. honesty about feelings and projections are two totally different animals.
I think my frustration is stemming from the fact and I wrote this earlier that I'm needing to redefine who I am and my mind is readying me for some big changes and that's good. I'm more than my co dependency issues, I'm more than my spouses drinking issues, I'm more than a wife, daughter, mother, I am more than my past and so on. Whatever role I play there are somethings that needs to shift around and take the front seat and that's REALLY me just being ME. My roles are secondary who I am is first.
So really my list should read: I am ME, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a friend, I am a daughter, I am co dependent (my views upon this also vary so that will be being pushed to the back further), I am the spouse of a problem drinker, I am more than my past hurts. Those addictions I want to be further down the list in the same way my AH is a nice guy who happens to be an addict. He IS so much more than just those two things and I am short changing him when I only see him as those two things. I need to redefine how I see things. Yes, I'm always going to carry some defunct thinking around with me however really? I have to live my whole life not being able to reprogram myself to see things differently? Yes I may have to think about my choices, for the rest of my life I can't change? I also know we only use 10% of our brains so there is always an opportunity for rewiring as long as what is put in isn't garbage .. garbage in garbage out, good stuff in good stuff out.
Oops .. LOL!! I got a little off track and missed my point completely however things just started coming. Thanks for letting me work it out in my mind though. I'm going to start my day get that cup of coffee, start a fire and enjoy the rest of my day. I plan on finding and using my inner voice for the rest of the weekend and seeing how God chooses to help me with that. :)
Hugs all P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
you seem like you're doing a great job in working it out! Hugs for the frustrating situation!!! You mentioned in your first post about having a terrible headache. I can't emphasize how much I subscribe to the HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) slogan. I even add in sick or not feeling well for whatever reason. And I try not to do anything. When I'm feeling better, I try to evaluate how important it is and what I can do about it.... working it out on my own. Then when I see that I have the answer, i can apply it. Sometimes the answer doesn't come and the problem disolves, but when I really need it I find that I find just the right way to handle the problem. Good luck & keep working it!
