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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd like to get your opinion on something. After this previous weekend (the proverbial "last straw"), I decided to seriously get some help dealing with this monster. I've spent the entire week on here and attended my first meeting on Tuesday.
I told the ABF what I was doing and for the first time, he got a glimpse of how he affects everyone and I can see that he's done some real questioning of himself. Not that I think that is going to change a thing. He's probably done this a thousand times since I've been with him and it hasn't yet.
He's travelling this week and he told me that he hasn't drank since Saturday night. I was surprised at how I felt about that. I felt nothing...no excitement, no hope, nothing. I didn't react and didn't even say anything in response. I just changed the subject.
How do you all react and what do you say when you hear that from your A?
Hi Becki - I think your response shows that you are really adapting to the idea of detachment - meaning, you don't live on pins and needles and your mood isn't hinging on whether he drinks or not. As people living with A's, you do just get to the point where you are sick and tired of getting excited if he doesn't drink for a few days, or weeks. It's fine to be glad if the A isn't doing it (for any period of time), but it is hard to be on the roller coaster and think much of it, get excited, and get let down if he does it again. I've been there done that and it is exhausting. I think your attitude is really good and keep up the good work. It's a process that you're learning and you're doing a good job. Much esh! Hugs, nyc
My Q (i've decided to use Q for qualifier, instead of A as I have in the past.) has not had a drink for three days now. He didn't tell me he was going to do it, just suddenly got up the other day, showered, put on clean clothes and has been being sweet and helpful since then. There have been times in the past when he told me he wasn't drinking (and he wasn't drinking as much) but he was still drinking and I knew it. But right now I can tell from his actions that he hasn't been. We've been through this before and it's always been temporary. We haven't talked about it, other than me telling him yesterday that I've enjoyed being with him the past few days. And I have. I don't get too excited about it, I don't expect it to last. But I am enjoying it while I have the chance to.
I dont ask questions that I know the answers to. One of the key principals in the program is to keep the focus on myself, i.e., my attitude, actions, and inner being. With working the steps on a daily basis, being sponsored, going to meetings, I find I am able to detach with love. This is what I would call emotional soberity from my alcoholic. Whether they drink or not, it is up to me to be responsible for those feelings. Today, I know if they drink or not, I'm o.k. I have a good life, one day at a time.
I used to become very hopeful when he would say he quit, but soon realized that I was setting myself up for a big disappointment if I believed him. I think I'm finally past that. Now, I try to let him know that I'm glad, but continue on as if nothing had changed. Because nothing HAS changed, I realize he will say whatever it takes to get in my good graces, but it's only what he does that matters. And I have no control over his words or actions, so I try to let it all go. Sometimes I pretend he's a 2 year old telling me ome outlandish tale and re-act accordingly: " uh-huh, that's nice. GOOD for you, and next time that big purple cow comes to visit let me know so I can play with him, too". It amuses me to sometimes think of my AH as a toddler because his ways of thinking and acting are SO similar!
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
If he says he's trying to quit: "That's great honey" while inside saying "Whatever" Even if he goes 2 weeks...a month...same thing....Now at a year....Then you are typically celebrating and congratulating his not drinking, but usually working an AA program for a whole year and that is a real accomplishment.
When I first started Al-Anon, my AH stopped drinking for about 3 days after my first meeting. I didn't say anything either about my meeting (he knew I went, but that was it) or about him stopping and starting again. I've seen so many stops and starts I know not to bank on anything until AH chooses a recovery program. I say nothing.
My process of learning "detachment with love" is to have my day--good or bad--regardless of whether my AH is drinking or not.
I had to learn how to be "supportive", but stop short of being a cheerleader and/or taking on their sobriety.... (believe me, it took me a long time to fully get this through my thick skull).
"That's great honey" is a wonderful response - it keeps it HIS....
When we go too far - even just saying "how proud" we are of their accomplishment - ends up often being tied with expectations - as in, if I am super proud when he doesn't drink, I am super disappointed when he does....
It's always a fine line - you want to be yourself.... you want to be supportive.... and you don't want to be a crutch for them....
Sounds to me like you are definitely on the right track
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Good points, CGuy (my fingers are tired from typing so much). I used to always tell him that he makes me regret wasting my niceness on him...I learned not to do that a while ago.
This board is like taking a deep breath and letting it out slow....relaxing and just feels goooooddddd.
Good for you attending a f2f meeting, your recovery is showing.
I once heard someone say congratulating an alcoholic not drinking was much the same as congratulating someone who had decided it was not in his best interest to continue sticking his hand into a moving fan. Only they can decide when the rewards of soberity are greater than the pain and consequences caused by their drinking.
You did a great job. I think the best support anyone can give their alcoholic is to continue working their program. You went to a meeting and also applied what you have learned form others on MIP. Yes, sometimes they see, and in your case hear, the changes in us and decide to make changes in themselves.
Man, having to learn not to get excited or hopeful (even if it was secretly hopeful, and I didn't express it outwardly) when my AH would say he was getting sober or quitting or hadn't had a drink in ___ days was hard. Just flat hard.
My sponsor says that alcoholism is like a movie where the picture doesn't match the dialogue. The dialogue is saying one thing, but the picture is doing another. It's confusing to try to figure out what's going on when your brain is taking in conflicting information. She says to turn off the sound and just watch the picture instead. That way, you'll have a true picture of what's going on. Not that my AH wasn't sincere all the times he said he was quitting - I KNOW he was sincere - but he lacked the ability to follow through because he was sick. I could keep myself from being disappointed if I just turned off the sound and watched the picture. If he was sober, I would be able to see that without hearing "I've been sober ___ days now." I like this analogy because it makes sense to me. Still - it's hard. Keep practicing and keep coming back!
I've wondered a lot about what expectations it is appropriate for me to have from my spouse, as well as others. I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect *most* of the time. I say *most* because we are all human and slip up.
Outside of that, I've learned to give up my expectations. In the past, he promised he'd stop drinking. And he would for several days.....2 weeks was the longest he went w/o liquor. So my expectations went up, only to crash to the floor when he started drinking again. Over time, I realized that he really couldn't do it. Now I have no expectations.
This time around he went many months w/o liquor. The first time he drank again I was a mixture of feelings....."what does this mean" "what next" "how bad this time?" I finally realized that it really doesn't matter, because it is his decision. I can always make my own decisions if his decisions lead him to a terrible place. AH is drinking again, but instead of several times a week, it is about 1/month. I can't pretend I like it, but I can live with it. For now.
I no longer have an expectation that he won't drink, even if he says he won't.
