The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you know that my issues with alcoholics/alcohol abusers isn't just directly related to my AH, my dad was originally my source of pain. He slowly and gradually fell down the slippery slope of alcohol abuse and he said some VERY painful things to me while I was in college. He told me I should have been aborted and told me that I was the cause of his marriage breaking up because I should never have been born. Anyway, he used to belittle us as kids, use as a pawns in his stories and make fun of us in front of adults, and he used his stony silence to get obedience out of us. He withheld affection and praise and basically was completely uninvolved in my life unless I got a bad grade, then he was all over me.
So, lately I've been truly working on forgiveness. Journaling my progress. And, for the first time ever I have actually started feeling compassion and positive feelings towards my dad. He is currently in ICU across the country from me. He is 62 years old and his chronic smoking, alcohol abuse, and spinal cord injury are fouling him up right now. He is on a feeding tube because pneumonia has taken such a hold of him and he can't even swallow food. It's sad to see what has happened to him and I used to feel guilty that I haven't gone to see him, but I don't now. I feel very at peace with where he is and where I am. Not saying that I think he deserved this misery the past 19 months but I feel that God's plan for him has nothing to do with me. I don't feel guilt, I don't feel sorry for him, and I pray that God has mercy on him when he does leave this earth. He will probably pull through this event and maybe there will be others just like it in the future but at least I am coming to grips with how I feel about him and where my boundaries are!
I think that is a miracle that you are able to find compassion for your father. In our alanon literature there is a line that said something like "true forgiveness is giving up on any notion of a better past" The garbage of the past is just that, garbage. I too have had to reconcile many issues with my mother growing up in an alcoholic home. She said something to me one day that was so negative, that she got pregnant with me using 3 forms of birth control. I replied, well I guess I am meant to be here just to piss you off Mom.
My mother and I have a good relationship today thanks to the help of my sponsor and working the steps on the sorrows and disappointment of yesterday. I have found my mom and I have a new beginning and the seeds of a relationship, one day at a time. It is a journey the process of forgiveness. When I practice forgiveness of others, I know the reason why I do it today is because I want to be free from the past and to find joy in the present.
I did not visit my father when he was ill. I think that was the beginning of self preservation. It has taken me decades to get to a point of being able to see how ill my family was. Of course I always knew they were ill but I took it all very personally. Detachment has savd my life on so many levels.
I'm glad that you can both self preserve and detach! Thats a lot of skills that require intense focus
I don't know my father well. Only met him once. Its very hard for me to even think about that. My dad, is the man who adopted my brother and I when he married our mom. I have decided to not be in touch with my father right now, I hope to one day be able to forgive him
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I'm not in contact with either father my bio (never could find him, don't know if I did if I would have met him) or my adopted. It's just not healthy for me, I know what are his issues and what are mine. I am not at a place where I can accept him where he is at, he's not an A, he just walked out. Now that he's been out of my life far longer than in it I'm ok with where things are at. I hope someday I can just forgive him, I"m not there yet. Even if I did today, I wouldn't want to be a part of his life. I don't wish him ill, I just kind of prefer he would just go away (I'm thinking of Clint Eastwood line from Heart Break Ridge .. LOL).
Congrats on finding healing and being able to let it all go. :)
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
