The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this site today and am already encouraged by what I have read so far.
My story:
I have been married for almost 5 years. I live with my husband and his teenage son. My husband is an alcoholic and has been before I met him. I'm at the point right now in our marriage where I am ready to call it quits. We have been to family counseling when I initiated it. Instead of the whole family going, after a while I was the only one going. I've gotten tired of talking to my husband about his drinking problems over the year so I stopped talking about it until recently. I've gotten to the point that when he drinks, I stop talking to him and try not to provoke him when he starts talking nonsense. The next day he either forgets what has happened or he doesn't want to talk about it and I'm left with an attitude. Our communication has gotten a little better but at this point I just want out. As long as we don't have any money then he doesn't drink. But when payday rolls around it's another story. He doesn't beat me physically, but mentally and emotionally he is attacking me. It is really taking a toll on me. On top of that his son has ADHD and serious mental and anger issues. My stepson and husband has gotten into many physical altercations while my husband is drunk and sometimes he's not. He has threatened to kill my husband on many occasions. He also pulled a knife out on him one time. He was put in the detention home but got out on probation. This past weekend I had to call the police on them because my stepson went over to some friends house and got drunk (yes it was actually him and not my husband). They got physical again outside of our apartment complex. It was horrible!!! This was the first time that I actually left and stayed with my sister. I thought the police would take him but they didnt. My husband didn't want him to go. I am at the point where I am ready to crack! When they argue my heart starts racing and my leg starts shaking. I'm 28 and my husband is 44. I am at the point where I want to have kids but I refuse to subject my child to this type of household. Although I've never grown up in a household like this, I am unfortunately starting to get used to this type of stuff. My husband says he wants to change but I don't know. Once when I threatened to leave, he actually signed hisself up to get help but soon stopped going. He feels that he can do this all on his own. He thinks that if he drinks a couple beers here and there he's okay as long as he doesn't go off on anyone. But it's still a problem. I feel stupid for staying this long. But I am trying to hang in there and be supportive. I keep saying to myself "if they fight one more time, or if he gets drunk one more time, I'm leaving". I know I need help but I've always said that if I get to the point where I need help or meds because of this situation, it's time for me to go. At times I feel unsafe in this household. The only thing that keeps me going is constant prayer and my attendance at my weekly congregation meetings. I'm sorry for putting it all out there, but I feel that someone on this website understands what I'm going through because no one in my household does. All advice welcomed!!!
First of all welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us too. I think you will find comfort and support thru this forum with many members who understand your problems as few others could.
For me the three C's of alcoholism apply here. They are:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
A fourth "C" which is mentioned in our alanon literature is we CAN Contribute to it.
What helped me was to attend face to face alanon meetings on a regular basis. What I found was that my life didnt need to get serene and peaceful before I was ready to go to Alanon. In fact, it helped that my world was upside from living with the effects of active alcoholism that I was FINALLY ready and willing to do something different. Going to meetings and listening to members share who knew what it was like dealing with the insanity I was dealing with. It was comforting to know what I was saying or doing in my own home was similar to what other people had experienced before. I no longer had to do this alone. That was the blessing and miracle of the program. The other blessing was to have a safe place to share and to listen to other members how they applied the program to their lives. I felt the love, hope, peace, and acceptance members that attended the meeting.
If you have not been to a face to face meeting, it is suggested you try six or more before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. I did my best to learn more about the disease so the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon literature and the book Getting Them Sober were so helpful to me throughout this process.
I do so hope you will continue to post so that we have a chance to get to know you better. Thank you for sharing tonight!
It does get better and you are very much not alone. You've already gotten some great ESH, I just wanted to also welcome you to the boards. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks you guys for the advice. I just requested the book "Getting Them Sober " from my library. I did look up some alanol meetings in my area. Someone suggested them to me before but I felt that I didn't need to go because I'm not the one with the problem. But now I see that I need that support greatly. I'm very happy that I found this site. Many more posts to come!!
I don't know of anyone who has not had that thought or even verbalized, why do I need help I"m not the one with the problem!? I'm so glad you can see it for what it is and get the support you so greatly deserve. Anyone who has had to deal with someone else's addiction and do it stone cold sober, alone, with no support has found what (doesn't) works out of sheer necessity of survival. It's not normal how we live in survival mode, days, weeks, months and even years where we bang our head into the same wall and wonder why don't I feel better. No one in my life really understood what it meant to live with an addict, and the guilt and shame of why wasn't I enough to fix this issue in this other person was overwhelming, what was wrong with me? That's defunct thinking, it's in a weird way normal to feel that way without the support of Alanon or another 12 step program.
Putting the focus on me and not my qualifier makes it so I can make better choices, have more energy and stop living in yesterday or in the future. I can live in the here and now present, which makes me a whole lot happier. Really he's going to drink or not drink, what am I going to do? That answer thank goodness varies from day to day because each day gives me different options that I never saw before.
Keep coming back,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
At Al-Anon we try to share our experience, hope and strength, and not give advice, except when someone's phsyical safety is in danger. Sadly, it sounds as if your safety might be endangered here. It sounds as if most of the violence and threats go on between your step-son and your husband, but those are very worrying, and innocent people can easily be caught in the cross-fire. I wouldn't hesitate to urge you to take good care of yourself. Generally with alcoholism things get worse before they get better, and many times they do not get better at all. In any case, if your husband can get a handle on his alcoholism (and the chances of this happening without a program of recovery are very very tiny or nonexistent, in my experience) -- anyway, if he can get some recovery, he can do that whether you are present in the dangerous household or not. Our first responsibility is always to take care of ourself. From my experience, your instincts are correct -- him trying to go it alone leads to just what you've seen, more of the same, and more of the same just sucks everyone down into the insanity.
I'm glad you have found us. I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting in your town. They say to try six because they're all different. I hope you keep coming back. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
Whether you husband seeks recovery or not you made a giant step in your recovery by coming to Miracles In Progress. You indicated you have been reading prior posts before becoming a member today. It's evident from your post you trusted what other members who came before you offered......What had worked for them. This board is great and has members with tons of experience, strenght, and hope. Face 2 face meetings were suggested and you are planning on attending. You need and deserve recovery from the effects the disease has had on you......but you impress me because you recognize it and want it.
Keep coming back...get to as many f2f meetings as possible...You have found a new caring family who only wants the best for you. It only gets better.....One Day At A Time.
tommyecat wrote "If you have not been to a face to face meeting, it is suggested you try six or more before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you"
So true. I would also suggest attending different meetings -- as groups and membership change and can have very a different "feel" group to group, and even meeting to meeting within the same group ...
I am here because I have to drive an hour to a face to face meeting that works for me...
Just want to assure you that we all know the crazy life that addiction can bring...and we are with you and support you. You are NOT alone.
You know I had many people suggest Alanon meetings to me too. I thought I didnt have the problem either. I discoved that I was living each day in fear and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I finally decided that I had to do something different and maybe these people who encouraged me could see something I could not. I reluctantly went - probably so I could tell them I did to get them off my back. Give six meetings a shot. In our alanon literature it says "if you do what you've always done, you are going to get what you've always got." Nothing changes if nothing changes. It takes one person in the family disease of alcoholism to break the cycle, step out and do something different for a change to occur.
I failed to mention before that for me it was best to keep the book Getting Them Sober hidden. The AA book is very plain and when left out, it seemed to not draw attention to it. Getting Them Sober caused quite a bad reation with my AH at the time.
Yeah...I think many of us (well...all of us) can empathize with your situation. You have some really great instincts to be caring and supportive but they are not working in your favor here. When you offer "support" to a person that does not want to change, all that wind up doing is supporting them to continue with their problem. It is very sad and it does sound like you are taking a lot of this personally and feel guilty for some things that are not your fault whatsoever.
Nobody wants to move to a divorce. Nobody wants to give up on a marriage. It's hard and there always is a remote chance he will get into recovery. At the end of the day though....this is your life and you have to be true to yourself. You sound like you have a good concept of a higher power already. Your husband and stepson can be "God's problem." They don't have to always be yours if you don't want that.
I am so glad you found MIP and plan to attend face to face Al-anon meetings! It sounds like you are on the right track. I am sending you love and support on your journey! Keep coming back.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I have been reading everyone's responses all day. Thank you so much for all of the love and advice you have given me. I am going to try to make a meeting next week. I am so fortunate to have found this site. I recognize that I really do need the help. I will keep you all posted.
