"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Lightbulb going off!!!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

and an even better line....

Hi, my name is Becki, and I am in recovery..... I am going to break the chain of dysfunction!! :)

Keep coming back

Tom

Becki67 · Veteran Member

I like your line better!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Becki, welcome to the board - your post makes me think this: sometimes, most times really, I tend to take on things because if I do them, I KNOW they will get done and I won't have redo or correct or make up for or explain to someone outside the situation why it didn't get done (or didn't get done correctly) in the first place. Cheers!

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Those are my thoughts exactly, but I overwelm myself and start resenting everyone because I have to do it...but it's my fault.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Becki, great post - it looks like you're really getting to the core of a lot of issues. I've acknowledged a lot about myself since starting Alanon. Letting go is tough, especially when you are so used to being the one in control. I too have had to do that - being with an AH who was financially dependent on me, I had the sense I could control everything about him, until he drifted into alcoholism, everything fell apart, and I realized, I could control NOTHING. Except for myself, that is, and it is a relief be letting go. I used to feel I have to help him with everything. Now I am leaving him to clean up his messes (and he's made quite a big one of his life). Kudos to you on being so candid with yourself...it's a difficult process, but it really is a growth experience.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Doesnt it feel so good to know that you are not alone and there are so many of us here who can relate to your share? Welcome home, you no longer have to do this alone.

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Yes, it does....I have large family that used to give me all the strength in the world but they've scattered...I feel the same way here that I used to. Very nice and I'm so appreciative of everyone's input!

First meeting tonight...told the BF what I was doing and told him that something needs to change and it's gonna be me. He said that he knows he has to and will try...I told him I'm not waiting around for that...I'll go first.

I'll write after the meeting tonight.

Have a nice evening!!!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

YIPPEE.... Becki I am so looking forward to it. Thanks for sharing :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

wow becki can i be your best friend?? haha

Well you know when we do things for others they can do for themselves it is enabling.

If it was not a trial on you to care for your mom, and you felt or feel ok about it that is healthy. We cannot control others anyway. Mom needed you and shame on the others!

Your helping these kids is wonderful of you. My experience kids need us to do this. Did you and sis set up a meeting of the minds of how this would work? I mean write down expectations, rules? It's never too late.

BF well you answered yourself on that one. Have you asked for what you need and want? Hey even if he got up and helped make bf and rode with you to take them places that would be something huh?

Good for you for waking up and realizing you are feeling overwhelmed and you are NOT the only person who can do these things.

Maybe you want to save some money up for YOU for a change. Or what if something happens to you and you need help?

I am glad you are here. You have so much energy! love,debilyn

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Hi Everyone!!!

Well, first meeting done. It wasn't anything like I expected and I'll honestly tell you that I hope the meetings aren't all like that. The leader spoke for a half an hour about why he went to meetings and what it did for him. He told us what this meeting would be about and that we would discuss step 3 tonight of the program. He never discussed step three and never made it to the other parts of the agenda. He spoke so long that he went ahead and told us each to tell a little bit about ourselves. I passed tonight. I found myself a little too emotional and a LOT shy at that point. Don't worry...I'm going to continue to go and maybe try some different type meetings.

The best thing about the entire night was that my BF called me on my way home (he's travelling this week). He told me how it went today and then stopped and said, "How did it go?" I was shocked that he asked. I told him about it and told him that I was going to learn how to be a better person. I was going to learn how not to take it so personally when he drank, how to not want to shove a fork in his eye when he was drunk off his butt, how to not get my feelings hurt when he said hurtful things to me. I said that I wanted to give him back the responsibility of his actions and not take care of them for him. I also mentioned that I wanted to try to learn (notice I said try) how not to give my opinion and tell him how to do things...yeah, he scoffed too.

He was very open and listened to what I had to say (I felt like a princess for a minute!). The moments that I get of him listening to me are few and far between lately. He was so understanding about it all and we talked openly about it. He didn't get defensive or feel that I was doing anything against him. He said that he understood why I'm doing it and he sounds sad but I didn't feel guilty at all. I wasn't saying anything to make him sad or ashamed. I told him I loved him and I want to be happy with him again.

It's very cool to be able to talk about this with him. For a few minutes, my best friend was back and he's the one I want to tell everything to. I've got a long long way to go but I'm on the ride and have my seatbelt buckled!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Becki that was wonderful the experience you shared with your BF really listening to you. You know I have found that people pay more attention to the action you are taking. Perhaps he is really noticing that you are trying to do something differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes. But you are and that is important.

I am sorry the meeting did not go as you had expected. I think that one sounded that there was someone who was a step speaker for 30 minutes then open it up to the group for discussion. There are different types of meetings thank goodness. Each group is different in terms scheduling a discussion meeting, a step meeting, newcomer meetings, there are quite a few types.

Tonight I was asked to speak at another Alanon group. I was asked to speak for 30 minutes then this group had a tradition to leave the remaining time for burning desires or general comments on the topic I was asked to speak on. So, it all is up to individual groups how they organize themselves.

The main thing is that I am so thrilled you are willing to take another stab at it. Your willingness shows that you have a desire to change and to learn something different. In my experience that has a profound impact on relationships. I hope you will try six or more meetings before making your final decision as to whether or not this is for you.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences with us. I appreciate your contribution and am grateful you came back to support this board.

Respectfully yours,

Tommye

-- Edited by tommyecat on Tuesday 25th of October 2011 09:06:20 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Becki,

Sometimes that does happen with meetings and you have to find what fits for you. Our meeting tonight went almost a 1/2 hour over than normal it was all regulars so we skipped the closing of the meeting. There is one meeting in town that isn't for me .. the people there are great .. they tend to get off topic and that's ok .. it's just not what I need. I do go from time to time just to touch base, I have always found something to take away from a meeting. Truth be known sometimes it's not the meeting sometimes it's ME .. lol. I understand your frustration I do hope you found some support and you will continue to try different meetings.

Hugs P :)

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi Becki,

Glad you got to a meeting! I have found them to be really really helpful. I should go tomorrow!

A book recommendation stuck out in my head as I read your post. I can't remember who first recommended it to me, maybe Pushka. It's "Perfect Daughters" by Robert Ackerman. You sound like you could qualify as one of those perfect daughters who does everything for everyone and just works soooo hard taking care of everything. I LOVED what Debilyn said about can I be your best friend? Ha! That made me laugh too. We can be so easy to take advantage of. What's that saying? If you don't want to be a doormat, get off the floor. Time to take care of ourselves first!

Keep up the good work and the postings!
Doozy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Becki and welcome to the board and the program. I like this thread because it reminded me of me and what it was like when I got into Al-Anon and the very first promise I heard in program that came true for me. In the closing statement to the meeting they said..."If you keep and open mind, you will find help." I figured I could find out what that was about and how I could learn to do it.

When I got into Al-Anon I knew absolutely nothing about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. I was a fixer; and enabler; that was my role in my family of origin and what was expected of me. It is what I did and not what I thought about. I was also a loner, isolator and felt safer on my own and then the relationships with others come along and my fixing avocation would take over every time. If there was nothing wrong with the other person I'd find something and then I would attempt to fix it. I wasn't always the best person to be around because of my controling and manipulative behavior coated with a thick sheen of perfectionism and yet I was far from perfect.

I am beyond grateful for being led into Al-Anon and since I came in the newest It became okay to learn from the one who came in just before me. I am a slow learner which is the best kind because I get to do the lessons over and over and over again often times with many variations of experiences from others. This leaves me feeling blessed cause then recovery becomes wide and deep which my HP understood was necessary for me. You already have assets which will help you understand and grow in recovery and it is exciting to watch miracles happen on this forum and in the program. Keep coming back and sharing recovery with us. ((((hugs)))) smile

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Good morning everyone. Thanks for all the nice words and support. I promised myself that I would get some work done today and only check the board at noon so I hope everyone has a wonderful morning!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

All very good stuff Becki....

One word of awareness - although that first conversation with your qualifier sounds very positive, it is typically NOT a good idea to rely on your A as your 'sponsor', and/or share too much of YOUR recovery with them.... particularly while they are still active - their addiction can quite easily manipulate both your words and your intentions, for it's advantage...

I don't want this to sound negative - that is not my intention at all.... just my experience....

Tom

Becki67 · Veteran Member

I wasn't planning on using him as my "sponsor". There wasn't a whole lot to tell about it anyways. Our conversation was based upon WHY I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not the type of person that doesn't answer a question when it's asked. Is that something I need to learn to do? I'm not comfortable with that if it is.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and it sounds like you are on the right track. You can do and say whatever you are comfortable with. It takes times and several meetings to start feeling the growth and realizing the changes within ourselves that we want to make. There are sometimes different people at different meeting times and places. I have been lucky in finding my home group and sponsor early on in my recovery program, but I know some others that tried different ones until they found a great fit. keep up the great work! I am sending you love and support on oyur journey!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

My initial thoughts were similar to CanadianGuy but I didn't know how to express them or articulate them

When I first started counselling and seeing 'someone' about this issue, my husband knew it was triggered because of his pot smoking. I am sure at times, that made him feel a bit more guilty especially when he voiced that I was getting upset at times talking about hurtfull things to my counsellor. I would reply that if he hadn't relapsed, I wouldn't have to be going to a counsellor.

I am good at emotional manipulation. See.. I can see my strong points hehehehe.

I wanted to share wtih my husband what was going on in my mind, what I was learning.. after all.. he was my husband and I love him and I want to share with him. I cant' ignore his request for information if he loves me enough to ask, then I should share... shouldn't I????

What I noticed after a while, a few months maybe, that the sharing was becoming another 'issue'. It woudl bother me sometimes if he didn't respond how I wanted or thought he woudl respond. Then I realised.. in all honestly.. he really has no way of understanding half the stuff I share with him about the sessions. After all, if he understood, I mean really understood, he would stop because he would have 'gotten it', but he hasn't and no amount of sharing will make that happen.

I came to realise this through 'bad days' when, instead of remembering parts of my 'shared' sessions, he just got angry and reiterated all the 'old' stuff about how he doesn't understand.

It was then that I saw the 'two people' I live with. I can share with my husband, but its like his addiction monster doesn't listen when I am sharing with my husband. The addiction monster is a bit of a (nasty person) and will throw anything at me in times of desperate need.

I couldn't understand how we could have such loving and open conversations and feel connected about my therapy and then he doesn't understand?????? Something is not right here? Oh thats right.. he is an addict.. aint nothing sane about that.

When I found these boards, I made a conscious decision to keep them for myself. So there is no way I can use it as a defence against him or me. The reflection I do on things I learn here, I only do for me. He can't ask me how it went on the board today..... the monsters way of trying to glean information for later use...

I have tried counselling again, and for those sessions, when my husband asks how its going, I say yeah it is good, I felt good after today or I say.. nah, it was no good. I have ceased sharing the contents and the Why's and my motives. I do still share parts of the sessions such as.... we talked about why I feel such and such... If he says well tell me why you think that? I reply.. I am not too sure yet, I am still working it out.

I will say also, that this is easier when I realise that I can't influence him at all. My thoughts are mine, and his thoughts are his. Telling him my thoughts and feelings and the reasons etc... in my case.. I think it was another form of emotional control. If he understands that his pot smoking has really this much of a devestating effect on me, and I am going to counselling to try to better myself etc etc.. maybe he will see and finally stop or at least compromise with me bout it...

Nope.. didn't happen. To this day he still says that he 'doesn't see my point'. Well the monster says that... my husband can see both sides.

He still does not know I am on these boards and I have been here for 4 or so months now. He knows I am working on me and I am reading self help books and talking about ACoA meetings and he knows I met a woman for lunch about that. He knows I am looking for a new counsellor.

For now, it is so much more helpful for me that what is said on these boards is for me only, and I don't share it with him. It is my way of measuring that I am doing ok or not.

As we say, take what you like and leave the rest

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Becki - nope, not at all.... be true to yourself, always....

I was just concerned about the proverbial "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that - some of us go to our A's for emotional support and understanding, much in the way that we can (safely) go to others in recovery.... it often ends up with disastrous results...

T

Cupcake · Veteran Member

canadianguy wrote:
Becki - nope, not at all.... be true to yourself, always....
I was just concerned about the proverbial "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that - some of us go to our A's for emotional support and understanding, much in the way that we can (safely) go to others in recovery.... it often ends up with disastrous results...

T

This is so hard isn't it? I mean one of the reason we married the person in the first place was so that we could have this support and understanding. I have to admit I struggle with this one. I understand it and it makes perfect sense but honestly, it sucks bigtime.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it sucks big time.

The one person who can hold me and make me feel like the world will not touch me and all evil vibrations will be shielded and deflected... is the person that I want to be protected from....

hmmm.. maybe I said that wrong.... but you get what I mean I hope.

The good thing is... I know he can make me feel comfortable and loved, if I keep the conversation and the intent free of his substance abuse. Anything else in the world I can go to him for support, but if I am feeling low becasue of his smoking, I can only lean on me or the people that understand what I am feeling.

That is why I keep this board private.. it is where I lean.....

Becki67 · Veteran Member

I see what you all mean and I will definitely take it to heart. I don't share everything...but when he asked about it, it was nice to be honest and tell him why I was going. I've seen him turn things around that I've told him in the past and use it as a weapon. I am going to be selfish this time. This is all about me. My twin sister and I always joke that we're princesses and this time, I am truly going to treat myself like one. It's all about me!

I am amazed at the difference in my mood...I knew I was uptight and wound up, but I didn't realize how much. It's like I took a deep breath and I'm slowly letting it out.

As for the meetings, I intend to go to more. My stubbornness will finally be beneficial.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"