New to this board. Going through some tough stuff. - Al-Anon Family Group

Kvothe · Newbie

New to this board. Going through some tough stuff.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs K,

Welcome to the boards, I hope you will keep coming back and keep posting. It IS scary in trying to deal with these situations alone. You are not alone. The hardest thing that I faced was reaching that point of just never knowing if the pain was going to stop for me. The lies (to myself), the anger (i had), the lack of trust all of it, felt as if things would never be right side right again. I wasn't the active addict so I can't imagine what the other side of the coin is like in that regard.

I can relate to what you have described that feeling of locking down and being present and not all at the same time. It felt like the ultimate off switch in my brain had flipped and I just went through the motions of the day without any kind of real emotional presence. I don't know if that makes sense or not, however it's really where I had been living for a few years, now that I think about it. It was more robotic than anything.

It does get better, with or without the addict. There are many people here who have dealt with similar situations. I just wanted to say welcome and you aren't alone in feeling like you just shut down and I felt like I lost the reboot button to turn things back on. I found the reboot button and things are getting better.

Hugs P :)

Becki67 · Veteran Member

Hi Kvothe,

I understand what you're going through. My sister was a heroin addict for a long time. She did awful things that I couldn't imagine anyone doing. She stole all the money out of my Mom's bank account that my Dad left her after he passed. She stole every single piece of jewelry that my Dad bought my Mom throughout their 30 years of marriage. She stole video cameras in their cases that included all of our family home movies...they're all gone now. It was a horrible time for our entire family. She was in and out of jail and programs and one time she was part of a robbery in the mall..they were showing the video and asking if anyone knew who she was. My other sister and myself went down and turned her in. There were so many other horrible things that she did, too. I grew up with her...I know that wasn't her. It was heartbreaking.

Now, there is a happy ending to this horrible story. She kicked it. I asked her how and she said that she just took a good look in the mirror and at her new boyfriend and realized that it wasn't worth destroying her life over anymore. She's been clean for over 5 years. I don't know what it will take for your girlfriend to make that decision. I believe in tough love. I think that she would have opened her eyes quicker if my Mom wouldn't have made all the excuses and refused to press charges on her the first time.

Just my two cents. Good luck and I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a horrible thing, heroin.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Kvothe,

Welcome to MIP. There are a few members here who understand exactly what you are going through. That is the blessing of MIP. Through common stuggles we share our Experience, Strength, and Hope to help others who are affected by addiction. Please stick around and get to know us awhile. I am grateful that you took the time to post here today.

{{{{in support}}}}

Tommye

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kyothe Welcome to MIP

I am so sorry for the difficult pain and heartache you are enduring We who live or have wiTH ADDICTION KNOW ALL TOO WELL THE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS THAT THIS DISEASE CAUSES. TRYING TO COPE WITH THIS DIFFICULT DISEASE IS TOO MUCH FOR MOST OF US

PLEASE KEEP POSTING HERE AND LOOK UP ALANON OR NARANON FACE TO FACE MEETINGS IN YOUR COMMUNITY. THE HOT LINE NUMBERS CAN BE FOUND IN THE TELEPHONE WHITE PAGES.

ATTENDING MEETINGS, CONNECTING WITH OTHERS WHO ARE LIVING WITH THE SAME PROBLEM, BREAKING THE ISOLATION AND LEARNING TO FOCUS ON OUR NEEDS ARE ALL ESSENTIAL TO FEELING BETTER. YOU AND YOUR LIFE ARE WORTH ITT

KEEP COMING BACK

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Kvothe))))
I can only speak from my own experience. Alanon is not for advice giving, so you will not get that from me. I have learned a few things over the last 2 years while I have been with my qualifier who is also my fiance, about heroin, alcohol, coke, what have you. I have seen the insanity of buying $200 worth of heroin every day, I have seen him shoot up, I have seen him sick, I have seen him almost dead. I have seen him talk himself into using cash withdrawals from credit cards to buy more drugs. I have seen him cop drugs. I have seen him going crazy from drinking and wanting to go out and get more heroin. I have seen him so drunk he had no idea who I was or what was happening. He has been in so many black outs I can't count them. I know what it looks like when someone is on coke...

I did everything I could think of make him stop all this using. I tried yelling at him, screaming, physically stopping him from leaving, pouring out the booze, hiding the drugs, throwing away needles, throwing things at him, throwing things near him, giving him the silent treatment, forcing him to go to meetings, LONG TALKS, his parents forced him into rehab, he went to the hospital a few times...I could go on and on, but the thing is, you have probably seen it all too.

Its a strange drug, it made my fiance very loving, sweet and kind, but doped up too, and the eyes are tiny pin points and there is a certain feeling about him...I know what it means to "hit" now, I know what it looks like when their arm is in a total abcess, I know what it is like to see him totally dazed out of his mind because of the rush. I know from my experience too what its like when they want out of it. When they get on medications to stop the using.

I can say whats working now: I began to read the book One Day at a time in alanon. I read pages July 5 and July 14 a million times. I read the AA Big Book just to get a different perspective. I read Courage to Change and As We Understood...I read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I stopped asking him questions. I stopped trying to mother him. I stopped trying to control everything. I embraced step 1. I surrendered to it. I finally gave my will over to my higher power. I finally asked for help and realized that my higher power could help me. I stopped trying to have heart to heart discussions with him about his using. I stopped trying to make him feel bad. I stopped constantly calling him, texting him, snooping around his accounts, snooping on his phone and snooping in general. I started to look at me. That pain of feeling my own feelings is so hard to bear, which is why I was so hyper focused on him and what he was doing. If I focused on him my pain could hide away.

You see, through my own life, I have had lots of pain and abuse, and things that caused me to become addicted to chaos, which means I am addicted to adrenaline. When there is chaos, my need for adrenaline gets a fix and I feel better... Chaos that I create by snooping or questioning or that he created by using. I enabled his disease by trying to make him feel guilty the next day. I know my part in it.

So I got off his back. I started to really work on me, focus on me. I allowed him to be an adult and to have to do what adults do. He began to decide on his own other ways to live. He began not using, seeing a doctor to get help to get off of heroin and to stop drinking so much. When I detached with love, he began to not drink as often, though there was a while where he still got into black outs. I stopped questioning him on everything, which really seemed to help. When I backed off and allowed him the dignity of being an adult human being, and loved him right where he was at, things began to change even more. He has stopped using heroin. He has stopped drinking so much, and has cut back on when he drinks too. When I began to do work on me, he started to change. He read books, he read memoirs about addiction and how people changed. He now wants a life free of drugs and alcohol and little by little he is doing it with the help of his higher power. He doesn't go to meetings yet, but I have faith that he may. And I continue to embrace step 1 every day. The more I do it, the easier it gets.

I can only say that for me, meetings help, getting a sponsor, posting on here and calling alanon friends so I don't feel so alone. I was just as sick, if not sicker than my qualifier. I am grateful to be here and so glad to be of service... HUGS! Take care of you. That is what alanon is for. Learning to care for ourselves and to focus on our own lives... There has been a transformation in me and in my household because of the changes I am making. HUGS

-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 25th of October 2011 08:59:37 AM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, what a powerful share, YFM!

Thank you for having the courage to be so honest and open on this board. It sent chills down my spine. It makes me think of one of the AA promises that "no matter how far down the scale we slide, we will see how our experiences will benefit others" Your share is like a billboard of HOPE of working the steps with a sponsor in the program. Thank you again for showing us how the program works if you work it one day at a time.

Love,

T

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi K and welcome.

My first concern is children. I did not see that your kids are with you. In my experience the protection of the kids is number one.

I had been around heroin addicts all my life with the guys coming home from Viet Nam. Kids no matter what age, should be in any environment where the heroin user is.

Al Anon is for people who love an addict. The drug they use does not matter, they are an addict, it all applies.

What do you do? First get the kids out of that environ. At the bottom of my share here is a number and site to go to to find meetings. Again Al Anon is just fine for us loving any kind of addict. Sadly my Ah was a poly addict as he would do and did do everything.

I researched addiction, heroin addiction and the affects on the body. It is horribly scarey. But we cannot do anything for them, and we shouldn't. What we need to do is look at our own lives and make them as healthy as we can.

It's up to each person if they want to stay with an addict.But the addiction is a very strong disease. Your gf is very sick. We can expect zero from them as far as anything healthy.

We cannot leave our kids with them, we cannot leave our kids at home with a babysitter. The chances of the kids finding needles and other things is extremely high.

No we can never trust them, their brains are not functioning correctly. We cannot make them stop in any way we try. It is totally up to them. Their disease is none of our business. There is no talking to them about it either. Again it is their business.

Our choices are learn to live with it, which is extra hard with heroin.least it was for me, we learn tools to handle living with an A the best we can.

Or we go on like you have and be miserable, bringing our kids down with us.

or we leave or have them leave so we can have as normal a life as possible.

Methadone programs are out there. Not an ideal way to live, but at least it is fairly controlled, and may stop the stealing etc.Sadly many just do both.But again that is totally up to the addict.

Keep coming! vent all you want. love,debilyn

rrib · Senior Member

'I can say whats working now'

Thanks yfm, indeed!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Humbled and glad to be of service :)

Kvothe · Newbie

Thank you for replying, everyone. If someone would have told me yesterday that I would feel even worse today, I wouldn't have thought it possible. But turns out that I'm feeling a lot worse today. Sitting here and running things through my head all day brought me to the realization that due to circumstances, I couldn't even leave if I decided I needed to. And the result of that added to everything else is me feeling more depressed, helpless and hopeless than I can ever remember feeling. With a little bit of worthlessness added in there. I also kind of feel like I can't really talk to any of my friends or family because they will think I'm stupid for even thinking of staying.

Sorry if it seems like I'm just whining and wallowing in self-pity.

Well, I haven't really eaten today so I'm gonna go try to eat something.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs K,

We all have to reach that point of emotional bottom whatever that is, an addict has to reach theirs as well. We have our own to reach too. When the pain became to much for me to handle that's when I knew I had to do something different. I encourage you during this dark hour to pick up the phone and call an alanon hotline in your area. Someone on that other line will listen and talk with you so you don't have to be alone during this darkness. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, I just encourage you to take the risk and make that phone call. Talking to someone else hearing that they have or are going through similar things is such a deep blessing of healing. That phone call was the first time I didn't cry alone, and I know men process things differently, still I am not a crier, so to have someone be with me even on the phone while I got some of the crap out was huge.

Hugs and in support, P :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Kvothe, HUGS to you! You are not alone! When I came crawling my way to this board, it was suggested I find an alanon meeting and go to it. I did. that has made all the difference... Take care of you :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kvothe, I think I relate to what you are saying. The shock...like a revelation and a new acceptance of "Oh my God...She is really sick! She might never change." That sort of thing. It is scary and profound all at once. Now what you do with that revalation is another story and that is where alanon comes in.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.