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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I Feel Stuck
Post Info TOPIC: I Feel Stuck
Hot Chicka


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I Feel Stuck
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I feel stuck. 

AH has stopped going to AA, and decided it is OK for him to drink casually again.  I'm not stressing out about it because I now have boundaries, and understand I have options.

Our marriage is actually doing better than it has in a long time.  We communicate better, and fight less.  I don't dread being with him anymore.  There is still work to be done, but we've come a long way.

I would like to keep going to AlAnon F2F meetings, but I really believe it would put tremendous stress on a marriage that is finally heading in the right direction.  He HATED that I was involved, although admitted to seeing positive changes in me.  To him it represented his wife going to a group to talk about how awful her husband was and what a terrible problem he had.  Although not exactly true, he always pointed out that I wouldn't be going if it wasn't for 'his problem'.

I have you guys (I read much more than I post) and daily readings from C2C/One Day at a Time.  I also made a good friend at AlAnon whom I call occassionally to use as a sounding board.

But I feel stuck. 



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glad


~*Service Worker*~

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I am sorry you feel stuck. 

You sound like your in a good spot in that you seem to be remembering that things can change,, that your highter power is in control, that positives you may not expect can happen.

You seem to intend to still work your program day by day , one day at a time... You may be stalled or it may look like your maybe going to take a turn you had not thought of but hopefully  your not stuck. you will still be able to take care of yourself and do what is best for you...you may not know how at this very moment...

Much love and care! 

Glad



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rrib


Senior Member

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I liked what you said in your earlier post 'I feel like I am being tested....  I just want to stay out of it.'

He's not actually testing you though. He's testing himself. Not convinced he is actually powerless over alcolhol, he's doing what it says in the Big Book, trying some 'controlled' drinking. The big question is how long it will take him to realize he's already failed the test. It's not about you. It's about possibly losing his best friend and soulmate, alcohol.

You doing what you need to do for yourself is not the thing putting stress into the relationship, the alcoholism is.

Please don't feel stuck.

 



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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Hot Chicka,
It's not unusual for someone who goes/went to AA to HATE that you go to AlAnon. He doesn't believe that our program doesn't have us talking about them any more than they sit around and talk about us. It is something inside of him that is so insecure about you going to AlAnon. And you can't do anything about that. The only choices you have are to bend to his desires and not go to AlAnon, or go anyway....either as a sneak or being defiant. Not such good choices. Keep coming here and posting. Keep reading. Keep learning. Nothing is forever and things will change. You can still take care of you.

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maryjane
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

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Hot Chicka,

I must tell you that my husband was pissed when he found out I was going to Alanon.  I had to attend meetings secretly because I needed the fellowship of the program and to be reminded of the tools and how each member practiced the principals in all of their affairs. 

The meetings for me were the one hour of my day that was filled with love and hope and gave me solutions for which I could try out in my marriage.  Without the love I felt from the meetings I dont know if I would have been strong enough to live with active alcoholism.  My husband too is one of those that is spoken about in the BB of AA paraphrased as:  "....some day we will be able to control and enjoy our drinking" 

Today I go to meetings to take care of myself.  The bonus is my husband encourages me to attend meetings as well now, hold service positions, and sponsor women in the program.  Over the years I feel he sees that Alanon has healed our relationship and changed our marriage for the better. Otherwise he would not support me in attending as many meetings as I do each week.  

Love,

T

 



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Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs HC,

Thank you for your share, it was really something I needed to read to put some things I've been grappling with, that all is not as well on the home front as I want to believe. We had a mini fight over the phone today over money and he gave some really interesting responses that actually made me laugh and make me a little scared that's ok. It's not terrible or earth shattering it just makes me aware things are what they are and reminds me not to get complacent. Past behavior that is def stirring. I understand also the want to back off and not rock the boat. I'm right there with things have not been this good for a long time. We have an interesting evaluation coming up and I'm praying for the best, expecting the worst kind of thing.

I have found my AH's guilt about a particular situations have been coming out in other ways. I've already prepared myself for the "you go to meetings because of me speech and now that i"m not drinking why go". My feeling is umm .. I needed meetings LONG before my AH came into my life and I feel sad it makes him uncomfortable, however .. it's not about him, it's about me.

I hope you don't feel stuck for long. I understand where you are coming from.

Hugs P :)



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

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I totally understand. I know my AH has said the exact same things to me when I mention that I want to start going to meetings and it's one of the things that's kept me from joining a group yet. He's OK with me going to my therapist, but a group setting makes him feel like I'd be sharing too much of our personal life with strangers and he doesn't want that. So, I understand your hesitation, I just hope that you will do what's right for YOU. I have to do the same thing, too. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today.

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Struggling to find me......
youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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For me it helped to explain to my loved one that Alanon actually doesn't want you to talk about the qualifier at all. That the meeting is about me and what I am doing to change my ways. How I am using the new tools to live. When I explained that to him, he relaxed. Posting here on the boards has helped me so much too. When I share with others and post whats going on with me, I feel so much better. I too have alanon friends I call and a sponsor. The voice or text on the other end of the phone helps so much... Take care of you :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi... have you ever Google'd "toxic love"?  That is what came to mind when reading this post.... 

I hope you can find a way to keep going to Al-Anon, as it has NOTHING to do with him and/or his decision to choose recovery or not, and has EVERYTHING to do with YOU, and choosing recovery for yourself - regardless of whether or not he chooses the same....

"True love and support" would mean, in my opinion, that he would be able to see this, and be supportive of your growth and recovery....

I hope Al-Anon can "un-stuck" you...

Take care

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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From my experience, when one of my loved ones was in recovery,working hard at it,they encouraged me all the time to stick to Al Anon.

Only when the disease was rampant did they hate Al Alanon.

I cannot image not coming to Al Anon. A's are crafty, they want to control us. They don't want us to learn anything that will make you uncontrollable.

Guess what manipulation looks like......

hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
orchidlover


~*Service Worker*~

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I don't currently date an alcoholic but I find al anon absolutely essential for my life.  I would not let anyone influence where I go for support these days.

Maresie.



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orchid lover
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