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I finally got mad at him. it always seemed like I would be mad while he was gone for the week of drinking but as soon as he was home again I couldn't stay mad. I always said I understood and made excuses, lied to myself and let him continue lying to me and himself. what finally tipped me over was he came to my fathers house with me and stole alcohol, and then continued to lie about it. even though it was clear that he had been drinking, he smelt like it, , the alcohol was missing, he was acting like it and still he said no. for a few moments I was even dumb enough to believe him when he said no and then it got worse and I had to call the ambulance. at the hospital his blood alcohol level was 1.9 and he still lied and denied having drank anything at all. even when they took another test about five hours later and it came back at 1.21 he swore up and down he hadn't drank in over a month. when we got home he completely withdrew, told me not to talk to him, didn't want me to touch him, and in my eyes it was something I was doing wrong. I was crying begging him to please talk to me, to let me be here for him and he called him brother and left to go drinking with him. I knew it the moment he called his brother that was what he was going to do, his brother is the only one he still condones his behavior even encourages it so he's not drinking alone either. it was finally enough for me to stop lying to myself, to see that he does this because he wants it to. that no matter what I say or do it will continue because I am utterly powerless. when it comes to him and his choice to drink, I don't matter. it hurts a lot but that's the reality, I knew from the start about his drinking and I knew when I married him this would be a battle but this time out of so many times was finally different. every three weeks almost exactly he has some reason, excuse, break down and goes out for a week to binge drink and wallow. but this time I stayed mad, he didn't get a hug and a kiss and an "I understand". I probably shouldn't have yelled, though at the time it felt like he wouldn't have listened any other way. that he doesn't get to treat me this way, that I don't deserve to feel like I am insignificant. that you don't get alcohol and a black hole to hide in and a relationship in the real world, you don't get both you just don't. and that the choice is yours alone just like drinking and dealing or not dealing is all a choice that you make. so much came out of me that just seemed to fly and I finally felt better and the words out of his mouth finally weren't "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" I saw him today after a few days of not even wanting to be near him and we finally didn't have that same momentary-relief but unrealistic conversation that we always have. he actually admitted finally that he had drank that weekend, which I never expected to hear from his mouth. he asked for help. said he understood that I have no reason at all to trust and respect him, no reason to take his word, that his actions have to show it and it's for him. that everytime he tells himself he can handle it on his own, and everytime he proves to himself and everyone else that he can't. he wants the help thats been offered to him, from not only me but his parents, that he wants something different. that even just those few sober days are a start. it was a hard but honest conversation, finally. part of me still wonders how much can I believe..just take it day by day to deal myself and help him where I can and know that he will fall but as long as he tries I am here. I was also finally able to say to him, for I never meant it before, that I will not keep trying if he doesn't try for himself, that I wont keep going through this. if he wants to drink and live that life than that is what he gets, but I won't do it. I can't and wont keep watching him self destruct. I can't fall when he does and my world can't end just because he doesn't want to deal with it. I know those were all just words but if I didn't have hope then I wouldn't have been with him through it all. not lying to myself feels a lot better. getting to say what I mean and mean what I say feels even better....
Thank you for sharing, I especially identified with the part about him withdrawing from you and you pleading with him.... why do we end up pleading... how do they get to be the ones in control of our emotions when they can't even control their drinking???
My answer to myself is because I let him... I am reminded why I didn't want to continue to try to live like that... it was just too hard for me even with the alanon tools... I was willing to twist and turn un productively but not willing to do the productive work of using the tools.. perhaps your going to be able to use the productive tools..
You sound like your making some real positive turns...
I care, and I do understand what your going through.. I"m sure we all do.
Alcoholism is a disease and we who live or have lived with it are seriuosly affected. A program of recovery for ourselves is essential
Thank you for sharing your growth and new vision. This road that we travel is indeed a painful and difficult one. Glad you found us and I do hope you will look up alanon face to face meetings in your community These meetings truly changed my life.
I learned how powerful it is to meet with others who understand as few others can, who are supportive without giving advise and how are using constructivce new tools to rebuild their lives.
Please keep coming back and sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 25th of October 2011 08:09:35 AM
Hi, "Fantasyland" is a terrible place to be. Oh, it is beautiful and lovely for a time, but then we realize it is a lie that we tell ourselves. I thought I was living there. Then it came crashing down. My choices were to deny and insist on still living there or cry tears of sorrow that I finally saw the truth. The new vision is worth it.
I just wanted to welcome you to MIP as I see you are new. Please stick around and get to know us awhile. I can completely understand what you shared today. As Hot Rod said exactly what I was feeling, there are those amongst us here who understand your problems as few others could.
Face to face Alanon meetings really helped me in breaking the cycle of the family disease of alcoholism. One of the best Alanon pamphlets I picked up in the meetings was "Alcoholism, the Merry Go Round Named Denial". If you have not been to a face to face Alanon meeting, it is suggested that you try six or more before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.
Thank you for posting today. I am so glad you are here. Keep coming back!
Hey there NaomiMarie, Welcome to MIP :) As Tommye and Hotrod said, we can understand where you are at, unlike others who don't live with someone who uses drugs or alcohol. Alanon can help you live your life for you, and take the focus off of your loved one, and put it on you. I have felt the changes that this new way of living can bring to my life, and little by little, things are getting better. I hope you can find some meetings for you, in alanon and keep coming and posting here. There is no advice giving in alanon, I can only say what works for me. Focusing on myself, feeling my own pain and not hiding from it and using the tools like calling my sponsor or alanon friends, reading alanon literature like One Day at a time or courage to change and reading the AA Big Book. Thanks for coming here and posting :) HUGS to you! Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
It's good to allow yourself to get mad - really mad - that is an emotion that it sounds like you have suppressed for a long time. I can relate. Maybe once you allow yourself that feeling you will be able to move beyond it to wherever you choose - and that will be based on fact, not emotion.
Hi and welcome to MIP! I am glad you found us here and I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings as well. Anger is an emotion like any other and it is good to feel it and deal with it. When we suppress our feelings for a long time we tend to believe they are wrong, but they aren't. I am glad you are making progress and keep coming back! Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I can so relate to the anger you have going on right now. This time last year I was a ball of anger and I had every right to be angry and so do you. Finding positive ways to release the anger is so important because it will eat you up. Sure you can be angry at him, be angry at the alcohol, be angry at the lies and so on .. I realized I was probably more angry at myself because I felt so stupid I believed him. I'm not a stupid person either, I have no doubt that you not a stupid person. The reality was while it is important to process the anger, .. I had to let it go. Anger wasn't going to cure his addiction and anger was not doing me any good as far as it was evident I was angry and I isolated myself in anger. Which turns to depression and then in my mind that's when anger becomes a self imposed punishment for how mad we really are at ourselves.
I hope you will keep coming back, sending love and support,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
