Feels like he chose the booze... - Al-Anon Family Group

Doozy · Senior Member

Feels like he chose the booze...

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Im listening.
Its a hard time to go through no matter what.
It does feel like he chose the substance over you... I feel that way and I am living with my husband....

Its time for you to do what is good for you, and you are very valuable

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

oh Doozy, I thought I could have written your post,

especially how it makes you, me, us feel worthless.....

and the lack of openness... the un-honesty,, it's a unique thing the un-honesty...

The part about him saying you would talk later and then you never did... oh man oh man,,, I'm thankful that I won't be waiting for those "laters" any more,, it felt like I was told I was worthless every single time...

I suppose I need a gratitude list tonight real real bad at the top I believe I will put the fact that I at least understand now that his problems are no reflection on me...no matter what my "feelings" tell me....his lies about us talking "later" were his problem with honesty NOT a reflection on me!!!!

-- Edited by glad on Monday 24th of October 2011 11:01:01 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Doozy,

You can never go wrong when you do what is best for you....the next right thing. Only you know what that is. He is consumed and controlled by his addiction not able to offer or give of himself in any way. Your friends and family can't understand because they are not walking in your shoes. We can understand because we have. Keep taking care of yourself first.

HUGS,
RLC

Doozy · Senior Member

Thank you! It's tough, but I'm thankful to have this board, lots of resources, and I feel really good about taking care of myself. I'm not getting derailed. I'm getting stronger.

It seems like there are many ways relationships with addicts are different than with non-addicts. Seems like by now I should know more than I do. This is my second long-term serious relationship with an addict. Wow, I've spent most of the last 10 years loving two someones who weren't really available. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to be attracted to someone who's going to be stoned and/or drunk every day. I haven't been with guys who binge, just guys who check out every single day. At least now I recognize that as a red flag. (Unbelievable)

During a break up, it seems to be common that it doesn't feel like the addict cares, it doesn't seem to hurt, they just move on and keep drinkin or smokin. In the meantime, the sober one feels the pain intensely and doesn't deaden it or escape. There's that added feeling of - why does it hurt me so bad and it doesn't seem like they even care? It feels like yet more evidence that they don't care, and I could take that personally as a reflection on myself but I'm trying not to. It's pretty easy to see that I really have it better and I'm thankful that I can feel these feelings and grieve and be okay. I will get better. An addict that escapes their feelings doesn't really get that chance and can get stuck in their development or worse, develop shame and guilt around their inability to process the pains of life.

I'm thankful I can recognize and talk about my feelings. Seems like many addicts can't do that, certainly my qualifier couldn't talk about his. I'm thankful I can handle conflict. I don't like it, but I can deal with it, resolve it, and be okay. I don't run from a difficult situation. My BF seemed to avoid and avoid. Sometimes I would ask questions and just get silence. He just seemed stuck. And there were lots of promises and plans that were never followed through. So many times that "later" never happened. So many times "I'm coming right over" was a couple hours later and then pointless because he was loaded. Lots of waiting, lots of times feeling not important, not loved, not valued. I finally told him I couldn't stand it anymore and then he basically said, well then I'll see ya never. One of the great things about my experience with Alanon, it's really helping me not take these things personally. I'm still working on that, but it's making a huge difference.

Well, I keep on working my program and I'm doing okay. I wish I didn't have so much to learn!! (laughing through tears) Thanks again!

~ Doozy

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Doozy,

What a great program you are working!!! sending support and hugs.

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Doozy)))

I hear powerful Awarness and Acceptance in your post Thank you .

You are also doing the action, sharing, praying and showing up for yourself It does get better.

In support

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Doozy,

You know when I would share with my friends and family about the crazy things that were going on in my home I would see their eyes get as big as quarters and sense from them "I don't know what to do with that". They just didnt understand. But the members in Alanon did. I felt like a freak amongst my family and friends like how did I get myself here and was ashamed to share my problems and feelings. Hence, I started keeping the secrets to myself ever the while making myself sicker and sicker.

Thank goodness for a sober member of AA breaking their anonymity and saw in me that I was affected by alcoholism. They suggested to me I needed alanon. I was so thankful that they stayed on my back until I finally went.

Like you said in your post, I am so thankful that I can talk about my feelings and what is going on with my sponsor, in face to face meetings, or on this very board. I never have to do this alone. That is the miracle in progress.

Love,

T

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi doozy,

I can so relate to your post every little bit of it. at the moment my ex ABf is sober and thankfully bck in AA after another slip. He has been in AA for 2 and a half years he has been sober for 6 months then slipped then went to rehab sober for 9 months and I mean sober working a programme. But as soon as he was out in the real world he went backwards. It has hust so much nearly having him and then he is gone and I take it all as a reflection on me.

Today my A is not drinking but he is not better either its very confusing this disease. i like you am reaising he can not me my needs what i want from a partner so we have seperated and I am trying to focus on my recovery. I know my partner loves me and hates to see what his illness does to me. Your partner seem to understand to again this jut feeds the addiction that is their stuff to deal with. we just have to love ourselves. share on here get support were it truley is available and try as you say so lovely to understand it is not about us infact we are some of the most loving people around that is why we put up with the shit just got to learn to love me.

thanks great share.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I can relate on many fronts...one, being unable to share any of my feelings with my family. They are just so furious at my AH and don't to hear anything short of me kicking him out of my life for good.
As for choosing the booze...yes, it really feels that way. It is part of their illness. As my AH describes, they will do anything for that moment of relief, to heck with the consequences. When they are actively addicted, nothing can stop them, until/unless they want to. It's a sick dynamic, and very hard to understand. I hope you find comfort in the fact that he's not consciously choosing it over you, he's just mired in the obsession of the sickness, and only he can get out of it. And yes, you are valuable - keep remembering that and take care of yourself. Hugs,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Doozy you know he has a disease. You love someone who is very sick.

What i said to people is, he has a disease, what would you do if your husband, or dad or whoever got brain cancer? Treated you badly. Would you leave them?

Maybe then they would understand.

I mean seriously who ups and leaves when things get bad from an illness?

If my dog went nutsy I sure would not leave him!

Love cannot just be turned off or thrown away. BUT we can take care of us, make sure we learn the tools how to have a relationship with a sick A without it tearing us down!

hugs! debilyn

Doozy · Senior Member

Thanks for the support and kind words. It's been a rough day and it was nice to come home from work and find this kind of support.

Debilyn, it was really interesting what you said. I've thought a lot about it in those terms. I think that "outsiders" could maybe understand better if alcoholism is framed as a disease and they are asked if you just leave because someone has a disease. I think everyone needs to find their own answer to that question, but for the most part, I think people who really love someone will try as hard as they can to work through it. From our perspective, it's much more understandable to be confused about what to do and how long to try when faced with something like alcoholism, understanding it's in a way out of their control too.

At the same time, I find that I might leave or at least seriously detach someone I love if they have a disease - IF they will not treat it. I have been through that before. I think I could be really patient and understanding with someone who was really trying and participating in their own cure or treatment. I don't think I'd want to stay with someone I really loved if they wouldn't treat such a serious illness or even acknowledge it. For this, I mean from my perspective as a single person evaluating possible partners for the future. Obviously, someone you're already married to or someone you're related to is going to be a different and more difficult story. I don't know, maybe I'm all wrong, but this is how I feel today.

I also have to look at my bottom line. I don't want to be lied to. I want someone who can share their feelings with me. I want someone who can be present for conversations and share responsibilities, who can be there for me sometimes. I want someone who will follow through and can handle some conflict. I want someone who can be trusted to drive and not jeopardize his livelihood and everyone's safety. I want someone who can eventually be a good father to my potential kids and I don't want to raise a family in such a sick home. I don't need that unpredictable x-factor of how drunk he'll be, what he'll do or wreck, how much worse it will get, if he'll lose his temper. This illness of alcoholism and drug addiction has prevented those basic needs from being met in my relationships. I still love this man and the boyfriend I had before, but I don't want to spend my life with them. I don't need someone to be perfect, God knows I"m not perfect. I just hope to get healthy and find someone healthy, someone who can weather the storms without always capsizing the boat. If not, I'd rather be alone.

I think it's okay to decide to stay and it's okay to decide to leave. We don't have to stretch our tolerance to prove some kind of achievement, prove we are love champions who can be serene despite all obstacles. They say that people can find serenity staying together whether the person drinks or not, but that's not going to be true in every case. Sometimes serenity will mean leaving. I know some relationships work that out. For me, it just looks like there are too many missing and broken pieces with this relationship just ending. Who knows what will happen, but I do feel good about what I'm learning and the progress I'm making. It's a tough time, but I've got some good tools and some great resources!

Thanks again,

Doozy

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Doozy,

Thank you for that share, it really hit me that last paragraph. I love your awareness and how in tune you are to what your needs and wants are. It shows great maturity to know who you are and what you want, we always have a choice. Sometimes there is more than one choice and sometimes there really is only one choice. If you can go to the grocery store and buy the loaf of bread why live with trying to get bread at the hardware store? Either answer is ok. It truly is up to the person who is living that situation and no one situation is exactly the same.

Thank you again Doozy for all of your shares you always give me much to think about. :)

Hugs P :)

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