AH went to detox today,need to vent - Al-Anon Family Group

coffeegrounds · Member

AH went to detox today,need to vent

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Coffee,

Something we talked about at our meeting is wouldn't it be nice if we got to immerse ourselves the way an A does for 30 - 90 days. Instead we have to live life, take care of our responsibilities and continue dealing with real life stresses. There is no claim that during that 30 - 90 days it's a cake walk, I imagine it's painful and intense. It would still be nice to put everything on hold, job and life where we could just focus on us.

Do you have a sponsor? This is where working the steps makes a huge difference. Knowing what you can and can't control, believing that no matter what you are going to be ok. Scary, oh hell yes, .. hopeful always.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

"I know I need to let go of the past and hope for the future, but I can't seem to.... I don't do one day at a time well, as of course I want what I want and I want it NOW!"

The contradiction in that statement is that NOW.. is today... We all do one day at a time... for me.. today is Tuesday 9am 25 October 2011. It is today. I do not have a choice about that. I can live it, or I can pretend it doesn't exist and live tomorrow or yesterday, but I won't progress at all because right now, those time frames are concepts. The reality is that we ALL do one day at a time in the physical reality concept.

It is not easy. I have to ground myself every day. I get all caught up and pent up and thinking and thinking and planning or reflecting. Being stuck in the now is for me because I am not in the now... If I have one foot in tomorrow, and one foot in yesterday.. how can I move on today? I can't.... with my bladder there is only one thing I can do on today if I am in that position (I hope you take that as light hearted humour)

An example for me is this morning.. I caught up with my husband for 5 mintues between our jobs.. out of the blue I asked him what day he is going fishing so I can make other plans.. I started talking about two weekends away and what we may do. I caught myself and stopped. I know for me if he says "oh yeah thats a good idea" to a suggestion I make, that's it for me.. that is what we are doing.. then if there is a change of plan in the next 12 days, I get annoyed and upset because we can't stick to plans etc etc....
Then I am angry and upset cos I don't do 'change' well. and the cycle goes on. In reality, if I observe what I did.. I caught him getting out of his car, at 730 in the morning and in 3 mintues wanted him to confirm his plans in 12 days time about something he hadn't even considered yet.

So... I stopped myself and said "So, thats a thought of what we might do anyway". today, I am off to work to do some other stuff.

I am not sure if anything I have said may ring true with you... but it is for me so .. take what you like and leave the rest.

rrib · Senior Member

Pushka wrote:
Something we talked about at our meeting is wouldn't it be nice if we got to immerse ourselves the way an A does for 30 - 90 days

We can't? They're probably a bit harder to find but I'd bet there are retreats and such for us Al-Anon'ers too. I know Jeff (from the show Intervention) sometimes talks about sending family members to the Betty Ford clinic for 20/30 days.

Where is it written that we have to pick up the ball as soon as our spouses drop it? In the bank book?

How about I take care of myself 1st (you do whatever it is you need to do) and when I'm done and we are both ready we can start working on cleaning up any mess together - if things work out.

-- Edited by rrib on Monday 24th of October 2011 07:34:45 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs guys,

I have the same issue of wanting my AH to commit to something and then becoming frustrated when plans change. There are some things you HAVE to know in advance, theater tickets, maybe a movie, or a planned scheduled event however life is subject to change and I'm learning to go with the flow. Linda, You sound like you are right there too. It does come, it takes effort for me not to ask what do you think about XYZ date .. LOL .. now I try and do the things that need to be planned and not worry about the other stuff.

LOL .. I was asked a couple of Sundays what time I was going to bed .. it was 530pm and it was meeting night .. LOL .. it was my AH's way of finding out what time I would be home. I laughed and let him know I had no idea it was only 530pm and I'd go to bed when I got home. I'm finding that I'm not the only one who has control issues however I have made things very safe. I find that interesting he's played my role for the past year of being home with the kids, no way to leave. I'm also not going out and getting into trouble. I see now how things can change and I don't always know where my evenings will take me. It's helping me relax.

Hugs p :)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

rrib wrote:
Pushka wrote:
Something we talked about at our meeting is wouldn't it be nice if we got to immerse ourselves the way an A does for 30 - 90 days
We can't? They're probably a bit harder to find but I'd bet there are retreats and such for us Al-Anon'ers too. I know Jeff (from the show Intervention) sometimes talks about sending family members to the Betty Ford clinic for 20/30 days.
Where is it written that we have to pick up the ball as soon as our spouses drop it? In the bank book?
How about I take care of myself 1st (you do whatever it is you need to do) and when I'm done and we are both ready we can start working on cleaning up any mess together - if things work out.

-- Edited by rrib on Monday 24th of October 2011 07:34:45 PM

LOL .. I'm sure we could find a place however I'd have no job to come home to!! Some of the places out there are really expensive too. There's a place in TN that's suppose to be really great I'd love to go.

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi coffeegrounds :) Thanks for posting and sharing during this raw and incredibly tough time. I hope that you can be gentle with yourself and it makes sense to me that you would be feeling anxious, angry, afraid, confused, frustrated, etc. especially so immediately after so much chaos and pain in your home with someone you love and now he's in detox and life has become unmanageable. I hope that you keep trying the meetings, counseling, posting here, and self-care, and that it will get better. If one day at a time isn't working, maybe try one hour or even 10 minute increments. I'm not kidding, sometimes that works for me.

Wishing you well,

Doozy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what people think, but to say is this the end if it does not work, makes no sense to me.

If what does not work?

He is doing the exact thing, the nature of being an addict!. It's nothing new, its not like ok one more time maybe it will work.

What it is, is I hope for his sake that he gets some sober time, gets to feeling better and can work his program a long time. If not he will do the nature of the disease what ever that might be.

Its up to us how long we can live with a person with this disease with their symtoms and its nature. drunk, sober, on program, in rehab doing AA to drunk again rehab again etc. Its is all part of the disease.

But like any disease each person is different! Some can stay clean on program till they die! Some relapse the first day they are free from rehab. We never know and we are healthier to just take things as they come.

This is what makes us work on our health, our stability, so we can be strong NO matter what our loved A's disease does.

hugs,debilyn

rrib · Senior Member

Pushka wrote:
I'm sure we could find a place however I'd have no job to come home to!! Some of the places out there are really expensive too. There's a place in TN that's suppose to be really great I'd love to go.

Ya, some are expensive. Some may be covered by insurance. Other's are dirt cheep but have to share the grounds with recovering A.A. and N.A. folks. A good percent of the 'recovering community' leaves Racine to go to the Green Lake Round Up every year. OK, it's just 4 days. Not a month. But how much can you expect for $10?

My point, I guess, is how much we immerse ourselves in recovery is a choice we make. What's really important here? Our mental health or mowing the lawn?

lol - sorry, i got off topic

coffeegrounds · Member

Thanks to everyone. I am so deep in my own right now I am not sure which way is up, but you guys came through with ESH as usual. Tomorrow is a new day I hope to be in a better place.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

:But like any disease each person is different! Some can stay clean on program till they die! Some relapse the first day they are free from rehab. We never know and we are healthier to just take things as they come."
---------------------------------
Hi,
The above quote is from Debilyn and it is so true. Every person, alcoholics included, drag their psychological baggage around with them. Once they get sober they still are the person they are underneath. And sometimes we don't see that real person until the booze/drugs are gone. They may have their own abuse issues. Abandonment issues. Same issues that we have. And they don't go to AlAnon to address those issues. They are not discussed in AA meetings. So what happens? How do they get sane? Some of them come to AlAnon. Some see a therapist. Some never deal with these issues and stay the same after the booze as with the booze. (A drunk bank robber or a sober bank robber....still has major issues.)

We MUST work on our own health and stability so that we can be okay no matter what they do, or feel, or act or say. We take care of ourselves... which usually leaves no time to work on them or worry about them.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it was so helpful when I was new in recovery was to attend as many meetings as I could which was in the beginning 5 per week. Then after the meeting, I would stick around and go for coffee or lunch with the group and have a meeting after the meeting. That for me was the saving grace. My AH was not in a program of recovery and never has been. But I started one and have never regretted that decision as it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

I am fortunate to live in a large metro area that has 83 active alanon groups. My Alanon home group which celebrated 46 years this weekend has 21 meetings per week which is amazing. I myself like to attend seven meetings per week. I like to support the meetings by attending not only for me but for the newcomer as well.

Progress for me was when I stopped focusing on what the Alcoholic was doing but what I needed to do to get emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically healthy. Alanon taught me how, one meeting at a time, one day at a time.

In support,

T

coffeegrounds · Member

Thanks MaryJane and Tommyecat,
I don't know but something clicked just now with me. I have been trying so hard to understand his diseases and figure away that I can help. We meet in 5th grade and I said on that day when I laid eyes on him that that was the man I was going to marry and I did. It was meant to be right? Well it might be and it might not be. It was meant to be for this period of time but it may not or might be for the future or it might be. I am not GOD and I now accept that I have no control over that. I will focus on me and start acting like an Alanon member, do the steps and change me. Stop resisting what is right in front of me. If only for this moment I finally got it! Thank you so very much!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Coffee,

I am happy to be of service. My sponsor told me a long time ago and she got this from our literature, "what you resist, persists" Awwww Man, so true.

I am so grateful you shared today. Thank you because you help us all with the strength of your honesty.

In gratitude,

Tommye

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Coffee...Try not to spend too much time spent on thinking about when you should have gotten him help or "I let this go on too long." It happened just how it was supposed to. He made like 5 billion self-destructive choices and you are the one feeling guilty over what you think was your bad choice? It's an unfortunate circumstance that you didn't cause at all and the fact that you were instrumental in getting him help where he is now is something wonderful and great.

Basically, I'm suggesting step 3 to you. You have done your part. You've done it as best is possible for today. You have no idea what the future holds. Let go and live for now.

In support,

Mark

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