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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feel like iwill never escape this
Post Info TOPIC: Feel like iwill never escape this
Sponge6819


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Feel like iwill never escape this
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Hi. I am new to this forum and am a little nervous and embarrassed to post here. I've been going to ala non meetings for quite a while and feel like I keep getting sucked back into my babies fathers negative alcoholic mess. I seem to be strong for a few HOURS and then lose it again. I fall back into defending myself instead of setting healthy boundaries. I compete for love and attention. I just don't get any love or attention. We have an 18 month old together. I have 3 other children with my ex-husband (who was/is a pot addict and big drinker) I am 42 years old as is my boyfriend. We didn't get married because I have a terminally ill son and would lose my insurance for all my children. My boyfriend owns a business and does quite well. I run the office - all payables, receivables, payroll, both household bills and business bills, insurance and taxes. He stays at the office and passes out. I've driven out there many times and "checked up" on him (which i know is unhealthy but seem to keep repeating this behavior) and I know he is not having an affair but drinks and smokes pot until he passes out. He stays away for days and doesn't call me or check up on our baby. It's so hurtful for me and makes me feel so angry that I don't matter!! How do I feel better in such a negative world. My son is dying, my ex is not in the picture, I am wiped out physically taking care of 4 children alone and am quite depressed. I try to talk to my boyfriend and he just says everything isn't always about me and that until I "figure things out - that I'm a bitch and always blame everyone else" he will be punishing me or teaching me a lesson by ignoring me, the baby and not coming home and being the family he always promised. I have NO self-esteem and feel awful about myself. I believe that he's right and I am a "psycho" and everything is my fault. How do I fight my way out of this mess. How do I ever feel good again?

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Pushka


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Big Hugs I am so sorry about the loss you are facing with a terminally ill child. I cannot imagine how hard it is to try and deal with an addiction situation AND have that on top of everything else.

Have you gotten a sponsor yet? It makes a big difference to have someone face to face, emotionally supporting you while you go through all of this. Have you read the book CoDependent No More, Melodie Beattie. It has helped me a great deal. There is a saying that when someone points a finger there are three pointing back and that is true for everyone in a figurative way. Blame, blame, blame sounds like someone is hiding from what is going on. That is not to say we are not without our own responsibility for our own behavior and how we choose to react to any given situation. The idea of loosing a child please be gentle to yourself, it's so hard to cope with life without this kind of additional stress.

I just really encourage you to reach out the way you have here at your face to face meetings there is a wealth of support available to you if you are able to take the risk and reach out.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pineapple


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(((sponge))) Hi and welcome to MIP. I'm so glad you found this place. There is so much knowledge, comfort, and love to be found here. First of all, know that you are not alone. The people here have been where you are and understand like most others can't, who haven't been in a similar situation. Secondly, do not believe that stuff about ¨...I'm a bitch and always blame everyone else..¨ You are NOT a psycho, you are not to blame for everything that goes wrong. Alcoholics tend to lash out and blame everyone else for their problems/addictions. It's so much easier than realizing that they are the ones to blame. How to fight your way out of this mess? Guess what, you've already taken the first step by coming here. Please read others' posts and the replies to them. Educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism. Take your focus off him and put it on you and your children. I know that's easier said than done. You didn't get to this place overnight and you won't get out of it overnight. But you can escape the craziness. Alanon and this board can be a tremendous help. Take care of yourself and your children first. Please, keep coming back.

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ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

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Wow! I am so sorry. Huge hugs, just wish I could hug you through the computer. You are dealing with A LOT! Friends of mine have a son who is fighting lymphoma and needs a bone marrow transplant and I see their anguish, I can't imagine what you are going through. As for competing for love and attention, I think you may be looking in the wrong place right now. Look to your HP or God or someone else who can boost you up. Find a support group or a meeting where you can find common ground and not feel so alone.

When I was struggling a week ago and feeling like I couldn't take another 'surprise' drunken episode, I finally confided in a friend about my struggles. She was so supportive and she spoke these words, "You are never alone." Again, I am so sorry that you are struggling and have these hurdles to overcome in your life but I know you will make it. I truly believe that we all will, but we have to take it one day at a time.

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Struggling to find me......
Debilyn


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Huge welcome and a hug!!!!!

you are indeed carrying so much on your shoulders and your heart. Sending you lots of love to you and yours and your dear son especially. That is a horribly hard situation.

Do you have a support group of friends, family? Rescpite and or hospice? This  is not something you have to do alone.

Of course you feel awful and your esteem is hurting! Let me say also you have every right to be crazy with all this!. BUT you are not. you are still getting up, taking care of kids, going to work and carrying around great pain!

I invite you to leave the A to his own devices. It is his disease, he needs to feel whatever he does in any situation. Give him the respect to take care of himself. He is a big boy.

Of course you want attention and affection. You are being drained. I agree if you are going to meetings, I sure hope you can relate with someone and get a sponsor. We all need guidance.

I don't knbow if you can do this, but many single moms do their jobs at home. I try to put myself in others place.

My thought is you have kids who need you so much and you need them. The men in your life have nothing to give. My focus would be totally on me first to keep me healthy and then the kiddo's.

I had two babies I was widowed and had to raise. Work and school full time. That was hard, yet we shared week ends doing day trips to forget it all.

here you are with even more kiddos and a hart situation.But you can do it.

Please keep coming here and venting. We cannot tell you what to do but we care and can share what worked for us.

I am very serious. This MIP home is amazing. We really care. Some of us have been here over ten years.

Many of us are not in an A situation anymore. BUT we care so much we keep coming and we learn and learn even more!

hugs, come back please. debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Doozy


Senior Member

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Hi Sponge and welcome,

I'd second the wonderful ESH you've already received from Pushka, Pineapple, Debilyn and ilovedogs. I hope you are feeling now that you are not alone and that you don't have to feel embarrassed.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to open up and share like you did. You really are dealing with an incredible amount of stress and I hope that you are finding the support that anyone in your position would need. I'm very sorry to hear about your son. I hope you will read through the other posts on this forum and find more of the experience, strength and hope that can help you. I've learned so much here. The face to face meetings are wonderful and provide even more support and it sounds like you're doing that already. There are many, many great books that can be helpful too and lots of recommendations on this board. Even individual counseling and treatment for depression and grief can be needed along with lots of self care, taking care of yourself. I really hope that there will be others in your life that you can turn to for love and support because you need it and deserve it! You are sure welcome here.

It really can get better!

Doozy



-- Edited by Doozy on Monday 24th of October 2011 09:27:48 PM

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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi and welcome to MIP! You are not alone and I hope you are still attending Al-anon meetings and have or are able to find a sponsor. Please take care of yourself and maybe start by reading the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Keep coming back, because you are worth it! I am sending you love and support!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
rosielee


Senior Member

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i wasnt going to say anything on this thread- as it just overwhelmed me- with your sons terminal illness and all. but then i thought on it a while. if it was me- and you are you- so you might think different. i would back right off from this guy- i would detach completely- totally and concentrate and just you and your boy. this is what i would do.

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rosie
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

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Sponge,

I am so glad you are here at MIP.  Thank you for the courage in sharing your story.  I would like to keep encouraging you to share your difficulties with the forum as it is a means to lighten our loads when we speak from the heart.

You have heard from so many wonderful members already.  I just wanted to encourage you to keep coming back and let the love, support, and understanding of the forum grow in you, one day at a time.

Love,

T



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youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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Sponge, so glad you found us. Just wanted to offer my support. You have heard from some great members already :) What has worked for me is gettnig the focus on myself, calling my alanon friends and sponsor, and to stop trying to control my loved one. I embraced step 1... Take care of you, HUGS! Keep coming :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
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