The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have so much to talk about...I may post 50 times today...just kidding.
I just asked this question to someone who emailed me on here and I wanted to ask you guys.
Is it possible to live with an alcoholic and be fulfilled or am I just postponing the inevitable?
Half of me asks myself...is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You should have another chance to be happy and in a normal relationship. Should I even try to figure out a way to stay with him? Am I staying because I love him or because I'm overwelmed with what has to be done to leave him?
We can not advice you here only you can make such major life choices in your life. however when we come to al anon we are very confused they suggest attending meetings for about 6 months before making any big life changes decisions. Today I am not with my partner I still love him but we have seperated so that he can focus on his recovery and me on mine. this is the right choice for us. all relationship are different ,
if you keep coming here and attend meeting you will also find the right answers for you
Hi Becki- I ditto what Tracy posted. I attended Al-anon meetings weekly for 2 years and tried to stay with my AH and detach as best as I could. I ultimately decided that I needed to seperate so that I could work on my own recovery and so that I could leave my AH to the care of my HP. He is still drinking; I am getting better every day with the help of Alanon, my Alanon literature, my sponsor, a good therapist, this board, and my HP. That's what's working for me. I hope that you will be able to find the right path for you once you have gone to meetings regularly for at least 6 months (unless there is physical abuse, which in that case would necessicate a need to seek safety for you and any children you might be responsible for).
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 24th of October 2011 01:01:23 PM
I've been told by many people that it is possible to live with an active alcoholic and be fulfilled, but it may or may not be possible for you. Every person and every situation is different. I agree with Tracy, don't even try to make any major decisions right now. Give yourself permission to let all that go and just focus on you, on doing whatever it takes to feel better about yourself. And if that means 50 posts a day, DO it; no one here will mind! Nothing has to be decided today, or tomorrow, or next week. Waiting is hard but, believe it or not, it's usually for the best. Work on you, get well, be strong, lean on others- that is NOT a weakness.
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Thats the reason we have tools like making a plan be. What is it exactly you need to have done to leave. Make up the plan, don't act on it. Just make up the plan then talk to people in the program (preferably a sponsor). When I started making my plan (which was pretty rudimentary I must say.....things started to unfold. I didn't act on it and that stopped me from beating myself to a pulp.
I have decided to stay and for me it has been a decision I have never regretted. For me what helped was to immerse myself in the alanon program, work the steps with my face to face sponsor on an ongoing basis, and being of service to others.
The program changed me. As such the relationships I have with alcoholic family members in my life has changed as well. It is a one day at a time deal. My sponsor too suggested that I refrain from making a major decision in my life for six months to one year. I am very glad I did because during that time, I began to discover who I really am. The program principals works on ever problem I have come across in my life. I keep going back and being active in my home group because Alanon teaches me how to live and treat others with dignity and respect regardless if they are sober or not.
You don't have to make the decision today. Right now get to meetings, try to understand that your decisions are not as important as your attitude. Your BF is going to go his way regardless of what you say or do. Canadian guy nailed it (as he so often does) in an earlier post when he pointed out that your boyfriend was manipulating by trying to give you responsibility when he mentioned stopping for you and the kids. You are not responsible for this. I can remember feeling like sooo much was hanging in the balance of every decision I made. My kids, their future, their mother's future, it was all on my shoulders (or so I thought). That is what detachment is, the realization that this storm is going to go through no matter what you do. Stay strong for your kids and for yourself, you aren't alone, his symptoms (and you may find your symptoms) are text book right now, once you stop fighting them you may find your own unique solution.
Thanks everyone...I kept my postings down to less than ten today. Yay me!! I've been talking to my sister who is a recovering heroin addict (5 years clean) who went through a lot of programs. I voiced a concern to her around the religion aspect of Al Anon. I'm not a very religious person and the program seems pretty religious to me. Will it work for me? I'm fine if just parts work, I'll just supplement with some other type of help if I need it. Has this worked for others that felt the same way?
Tommyecat, how long have you stayed? Do you feel like you're shortchanging yourself? Has he improved or just you?
Alanon is a spiritual program, not religious. If it were, I don't think I would have stayed. In my homegroup which is quite large, we have people from all religious faiths present. That shows me the that the spiritual emphasis gives a wide birth into the exploration of who a God of your understanding is. We find a power greater than ourselves that is not imposed upon you by another member or meeting. It is up to the individual to discover, design and uncover the God of their understanding.
Together for 15, married for 10. I have never felt short changed after I began working the program many years ago. I see my experience as a gift that I am so grateful for. Would it not have been for alcoholism, I would not have experienced the life I have today as a result of the Alanon program. I have a wonderful marriage now. It took for me to be willing and have the courage to work the steps to take a hard look at myself before I began seeing changes in my relationship. It didnt fall apart overnight, and didnt come together overnight. Love, tenderness, laughter and joy has returned to my marriage. It truly has been a one day at a time deal. Alanon and my sponsor taught me how.
Do I come across as denying my feelings...that's curious. I do plan on going to the meeting. I don't want to sit back anymore and just let it happen. I want things to change whether myself or him...and I now know I can't change him. But, I also want to do it peacefully. I want to learn how to deal with it and what to tell myself when he's pushing my buttons. I want to live peacefully until I get my plans straight. Is it possible?
HI. Please post with the questions you have. You may be giving a voice toothers and the responses are always good.
I have that question also. I could do so much better (???) I have been in many relationships that I thought would be better. The grass is always greener (in this relationship that is not only a metaphor hahahaha). What I have considered is that the common denominator in all those relationships was me.
The grass may be greener, but at this point I feel I will just be taking the weed killer with me.
I have to work on me, I want to get to a healthier mind stage, then I will see what I can live with. I can't make healthy choices with an unhealthy mind.
In my experience I found that it is possible. By changing attitudes and finding solutions through our own program of recovery, we can regain our sense of hope, serenity, freedom, and joy.
I am exactly in the same place as Linda. Knowing that no matter who I am with, I will always be taking ME with me. So, part of the problem is me, right? My point is that I have to fix me not matter where I am in life; how I respond to people, how I communicate, how I forgive(or not forgive, in my case), how I argue(or choose not to argue), etc. These are things that I need to practice so I might as well stay where I am, try to make it work, and see if I come out a better person on the other side. If the marriage doesn't work out, then so be it. He may screw up royally and do something that hurts our family and forces me to take action.......or, he may NOT. I can only mentally prepare for so much and I've found that working on where I need to grow up is far more beneficial than worrying over whether he had a drink or not. Of course, I still do worry and fret over his alcohol issue(or my issue with his drinking) but I have found that my worries decrease over time much faster now that I'm taking the focus off of him.
I really hope so...I've been upstairs CLEANING and anyone who knows me knows that I don't do that...I hate it. But I feel good about doing it because it looks nice and I get comfort from that...and I can think. He's sitting on the couch again and I felt myself getting resentful so I came downstairs to read and get a perspective again. I'll go back up and tackle the kids bathroom now...on a side note, do teenage boys have an extra hole in their pee pee that prevents them from hitting the toilet when they pee? Do they get temporary blindness when they go? I can't understand it??? Maybe I'll clean my bathroom first...it's neater! LOL
Thanks everyone for all your support today. I'll get good at focusing on what I need to do and not letting my anger and resentment keep me from doing it...I get mad that I do everything around here but maybe I should look at it like it's all for me. I enjoy it nice and clean...he doesn't even notice.
I just wanted to say welcome Becki and do keep posting! Some of the great things about this place are the acceptance and understanding. Humor too! Hilarious note about the teenage boys! And some never seem to grow out of it!
Also, when I first started attending Alanon face to face meetings, I got the "How Alanon Works" book and it's been very helpful for me to understand how this program for recovery works and to understand these issues surrounding addiction as well. Along with the many, many great books out there, it's a good one and it can maybe help you figure out if it might be right for you. It explains the spiritual aspect of Alanon and how you don't have to believe in any specific religion or anyone else's definition of God. It's up to each person to figure out what works for them and I really like that. It's really been working for me.
Hi Becki, I have to answer your question about staying or leaving. I can only tell you about me. I was not raised in alcoholism. I married him at age 21. I realized he was an alcoholic after we had been married 10 yrs. By that time I had 4 daughters with him. He is smart and talented. Workaholic. Made gobs of money. We lived a great life as long as I did what he wanted me to do..... but that was never a question for me. I loved him and wanted the best for him. I stayed home so he could concentrate on his career. I stayed in college all those years though, while raising kids and having him absent (either he was gone for work or he was gone in his head and passed out at home). Finally at age 43 I graduated. When I was 49 he got his DUI and was sent to AA for 90 days and probation for 6 months. By that time the wheels had fallen off the bus. Can't drive a company car and have a DUI. He was fired. He was without his best friend (whiskey). He was pissed at life. The kids had grown up without him and he didn't even realize it. He had to start over. He realized that his very high IQ wasn't there anymore.
I started AlAnon and began to learn. I read and read and read. I had a part time job so that I would not have to be home with an angry man. I learned detachment is respect.... but anything more clingy may be too much for an alcoholic. I learned how much I had been manipulated by him, but also by my own mind, my own set of values. I set out to learn more about alcoholism and how it had affected me. I learned not to ask questions. I learned to leave him alone and not cling. I learned that even when he asked, it may not be the best thing for me and my life. I cried myself to sleep many nights because of the knowledge of the loss of my dreams. I learned that "fantasyland" is something we do to ourselves. After he was in AA for 7 yrs. he got cancer and was told he would have 2-3 months to live. I used all my AlAnon to get ME through that, but also to remain supportive for him. He fought it and beat it. It has been gone for 3 1/2 years.
I have to say that I am still married to him, but it is "just for today". I give myself permission to not say forever. But for today, I choose to be married. I can change my mind tomorrow. What you choose for yourself depends on you. Your values, your attitudes. Some alcoholics can be nice even when they are drinking. Some just fall asleep. Some are verbally abusive, some emotionally abusive, some physically abusive. Some are abusive in every way.
Can't help you with the boy thing. I raised all daughters. Totally different challenges.
I just came back to read this post. I will say this again, I am so thankful you asked the questions that you did. I was afraid to ask some of them. You have received answers to questions that I myself was wondering.
I just got the book Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews, yesterday from the Library, I'm a little over half way through. It's been wonderful to read and has been an amazing insight. Some of it doesn't apply, because I realized just weeks in to my marriage that I had married an alcoholic. However, the books is absolutely wonderful and I'm so glad that everyone recommended it!!!
getting them sober is also available on kindle and nook, if you have one of those machines. It is actually cheaper that way than in a traditional book.
