The material presented
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help me please. My husband is in complete and absolute denial that he has a problem with drinking. He is blaming me and my anger for his reason to drink. He states that he just wants to enjoy life, but my life is being affected by him choosing alcohol over his wife and his son. He has said he would stop drinking 7 times and has yet to prove himself. I can't stand to look at him and I can't stand his lies. I am absolutely sick and fed up with his actions. I have asked him to get help numerous time but denies he has a problem. I have lost my family over this, I have no one to turn to. Please help me.
so glad you found this iste sounds like you are in the right place. Part of the disease of alcoholism is that they do not think they have a problem and are in denial. We get crazier and crazier trying to get them to see what is right in front of their nose. as i said it is a disease and this disease attacks us we become sick to full of angrey, resentment we get to a stage where we can find it to function some of us slip into depression. This is where al anon helps. People here have been where you are today they will not tell you what to do but they will share their expereinces with you. May I suggest also that you find your nearset al anon meeting I felt like the world had been taken from my shoulders just being able to share with people who understood and did not judge and tell me to leave. my family where also upset just like me with the drinkler they werere going crazy trying to control me.
When I first came on here I read lots of posts on here it really helped. hope you can access meetings and there will also be al ateen for your son.
Helpme, I would look up an Alanon meeting, not only because that is where the answers lie to deal with your husband, but to make a social support network. If you stay isolated and trapped it will be harder for you to leave, you will buy into his lies and craziness. The alcholic will try and cut you off from others because they know other people will tell you not to put up with the BS. People in Alanon will not tell you to leave but they will help and support whatever decisions you make in that regard.
It does sound like you know you didn't cause this. Nothing you do makes a person go to the store, buy alcohol, and then drink it until they are plastered. There are multiple behaviors involved in that and they do it all on their own. If you up an left him, do you think he would stop drinking? No. Then it would be he is drinking cuz you left him. They drink because they are alcholics and that is what they do. The reasons are secondary. I am a recovering alcoholic here and I would say I used to drink over other people, having a good day, a bad day, to celebrate, commiserate.... I didn't really need a reason. I drank all the time and the "reasons" were BS.
So, let me be the first to relate the three C's of alanon to you. YOu didn't Cause this, can't Control it, Cant Cure it. You are amongst folks that understand what you are living in and I certainly empathize.
Aloha Shell...blaming is common and usual in alcoholism...both ways and I get the hurt you're talking about as the blame comes at you. When the alcoholic blames it really is evidence that they know they have a big problem that they are powerless over. If they can't admit they are powerless over alcohol then it's got to be someone elses fault...so it is you and the rest of the world. He is living in his own little mind and room of excuses and needs to because admitting he is powerless over alcohol is a quantum leap over what seems to be a wide crevasse. There are millions of recovering alcoholics that can tell him that he is living in an alcohol created fantasy which will drive him insane if he isn't there just yet and then take his very life just when he is not wanting to loose it.
Enough about him....
This really is about you cause you came and reached out for help...you are doing what he will have to do himself if he wants the insanity to stop.
PinkChip was right on with his response. You have just tapped into a huge supportive family that are here for you and for each other so that we can recover from the affects of someone else's alcoholism in our lives. Al-Anon saved my mind and then my butt and I kept coming back after I found nothing else that worked for me including pay by the hour counseling.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you will not be able to cure it. Look up the Al-Anon hot line number in the white pages of your local phone book and find the meeting times and places we get together in your neighborhood. Al-Anon is all over the planet...your problem is worldwide and there is worldwide help.
Hi and welcome! I am so sorry you have to go through this, but so glad you found this site. Please keep posting, everyone here truly cares. Listen to what others have to say, there are some remarkable people here who have lightened my load more times than I can count. I can't give advice nearly as well as they can, but I CAN tell you that if you keep coming back, it will help. It will help YOU, and that's what you need to focus on right now. You probably aren't feeling too good about yourself at the moment and, no matter whose fault that is, it's a major obstacle in your ability to be happy and lead a normal life. Try to get to an al-anon meeting. Log in to the meetings on this site. Read the replies to your post, read the posts put out there by others. If nothing else, it will help you realize you aren't in this battle alone and that you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. Please post again and keep us up-dated. And congratulations to you for taking the first step in YOUR recovery.
(((((hugs!!))))) Denise
'The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.'
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
My husband is complete denial as well. When he asked why I felt the need to go to the meeting tomorrow night I said because I can't keep getting angry at you every time I see the bottle or the pot. Both infuriate me and I came here looking to see a reason to leave. Instead I'm learning and processing and sorting through what it means to love someone who has this horrible disease.
The pain you are in is evident in your post and I do hope you will find a meeting in your area. You are not alone and there are so many others who are going through similar things and feelings. Everyone is at a different place of healing which is why the boards are so great you hear from people just starting to those who have worked the program for years.
It does get better, when we take the focus off of our A's and start putting that same energy into in ourselves.
I hope you will keep coming back and posting, reading or whatever you need to do because you are worth the effort.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I had so much anger with my husbands drinking I was an easy target to blame. To tell you the truth, I was a miserable human being to be around. The disease of alcoholism had wrecked me and I was completely powerless over it.
I was in complete denial over how much my husbands drinking affected me. I no longer had control over my own emotions. Anger was a safe one because I used it as a weapon to control or motivate him in some way.
Working the steps in Alanon helped me to see myself as I really was, not as I thought myself to be. It was an important reflection for me to see what I was bringing to the relationship, specifically how destructive I was. Afterall, I wasnt the one who had the problem.....OR DID I ???
Today I know I had a big problem. The steps were the medicine I needed to uncover, discover and discard all the layers of self that were destructive in my life. I still do this one day at a time, many face to face meetings, and working with a sponsor.
First time I went to Al Anon, I thought they would tell me how to get him to stop drinking. Ha. Doesn't work that way. I didn't go again for years, although I did learn loud and clear that I needed to "Let Go and Let God." MUCH easier said than done.
Things I tried to make hime realize he had a problem: Talking to him thoughtfully, yelling, nagging, complaining, passive aggressive behavior, bitching, guilt trips, re-arranging our schedule so he wouldn't have the chance to drink, etc.
Things that worked: nothing.
I had to say the words "Let Go and Let God" to myself about 1,000 times until I believed and understood that I couldn't do or say anything that would "sink in", and putting it in God's hands was the only thing I could do. I couldn't change him, he had to figure that out for himself.
So I did my best to get out of his way when he drank. Al-Anon helped me to realize how crazy it had all made me. I literally became obsessed with someone elses problems; a problem that was never mine to deal with. True, his actions affected me, but I let them affect me way more than I should have. I forgot that I had my own choices, too.
If you helped your son with his homework everynight, maybe even more than you should, what would be the end result? He'd become reliant on you, and ultimate fail when he was tested on the relevant knowledge. Likewise, you don't have to take care of your alcoholic (detachment). Let him deal with the natural consequences of his actions. A story is often told about the woman that used to drag her passed out husband to bed every night. After learning about detachment, she left him lying on the floor although she covered him up with a blanket (detachment with love).
2 most important things to remember early on in YOUR recovery (and by recovery I mean regaining your sanity, believe me we've all had to do it!):
1) Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2) The 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Step 1 seems clear enough, but when I really started to appreciate and understand how much power alcohol had over my life (ME! A non-drinker) I felt a great sense of relief.
