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I'm going to apologize up front for the length of this post. I've been living with an alcoholic for about 6 years now. He was my first crush when I was 13...we got together 20 years later. I love him but I don't like him much anymore. We have a home together and he has two kids (50% of the time) and I have custody of my sister's two kids. My name is on the loan because he couldn't get one. I put his name on the deed because we both pay for the home.
My alcholic BF is getting progressively worse. He owns his own business and travels most of the time. He makes VERY good money and is extremely smart. But, this disease has got a huge hold on him. He tells me that he knows he drinks too much but he likes it...he doesn't want to change for himself. He told me that he would only want to change for me and the kids...I don't think that's enough.
When he's home, he's drunk or passed out or hungover. He drinks entire bottles of high proof liquor...sometimes two. He sleeps on the couch because he waits until I go to bed and drinks and then passes out. We can't even use the living room most of the day until he wakes up...I'm left the take care of the home, the kids, his problems and mine. I'm angry, sad, scared, frustrated, lonely, nervous, resentful and just want to run away half the time. There are so many emotions going through me right now.
I want to have hope of a normal life again, whether it be by myself or with another person. I'm fine either way. I just want peace and normalcy.
I can't run away this time because I worked very hard to get my credit back in shape to buy that house. I don't think I trust him with it if I'm gone. I don't want to keep keep it...it's an expensive house and a lot more than I need. I would be perfectly comfortable in a different one. I don't trust him to get the loan put in his name or get it ready to sell...if I can even get him to agree to that. He has NO motivation to do anything, let alone something of that magnitude. He has tax issues that have arisen because he wants to hide away from life and not take care of them. I'll probably end up losing the house anyways because of that alone.
I'm planning on attending my first Al Anon meeting tomorrow night. I want to learn how to handle this at home until I can get it all resolved in my mind. I don't want to be angry all the time or sad or frustrated. I want to learn how to detach...reading about that sounds like heaven. How nice it would be not to worry about him all the time.
But, until then, I have to go home again after work and deal. Can anyone give me tips on dealing with this while still taking care of the kids? I can't hide away like I want to...it's not fair for them.
Sorry again...everything is just coming out...I don't know if I made a whole lot of sense or not.....
yes you did make a whole lot of sense everyone on this board will understand you because we have or are living with this craziness.
It is great that you are attending your first al anon meeting hope you enjoy it as much as I did mine, I felt at home staright away. al anon people are the most frienliest i have ever met no matter where i go to a meeting.
You are right it is no good your partner stopping for you he will just start again and blame you. when he has suffered enough he will stop if he wants to. Al anon learns us about this disease and how to protect ourselves. it also larns us how to stop helping the disease.
Once you get some al anon tools things will improve until then do somethings nice for you and the kids
Hi Becki - Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry for what you're going through. you are not alone! I am not qualified to give advice as this is my first day. I certainly understand what you say about detaching must be heaven. I can only pass along the advice that was given to me: You cannot get through to him, trying will only make you crazy. Try to focus on your kids and you as much as you can, one day at a time.
My dh is AA/NA. He loves pills and alcohol. We are in India, having just had preemie twins via a surrogate. Stuck here as I get us through all the red tape of the exit process for the babies...likely another two weeks! Any drugs are available w/o prescription on every block...and dirt cheap. He has relasped bad. I am afraid for the babies and for his well being. I need to detach. I don't know how to do that, other than try to avoid him as much as possible, without pissing him off more. I am scared, alone here, and deeply hurt by his verbal abuse.
Perhaps we can help each other through until we get to a meeting. Not that I can offer much advice, but I am here if you want a listening ear to vent to without judging or telling you what you should do. If anything like my experience, your family members are probably already doing plenty of that! You can PM me any time! Babies crying...feeding time {{{HUGS}}}
It takes time and it takes many little steps and you will get there one you start the journey. I would encourage you when go to that first meeting take a list of names and numbers so you can call when you have those moments of panic. The first step to any journey is the most important one. It just helps to be connected, even here on the boards knowing you are not alone and that things can get better.
Detaching is a word you will read around here a lot. Being able to see my AH as being sick and not taking it personally. He doesn't drink "to do anything to me", he acts out because he's sick and he does "to himself". I QTIP many situations (Quit Taking It Personally) his issues are not a personal front to me. Sometimes it is easy to say and hard to do. It gets easier to see when it's the alcohol talking because there are things a year ago I know it was so not my AH speaking it was his disease.
There are some great books out there Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew is a good one for active alcoholism in the home. Getting to that first meeting will help tremendously, knowing you are not alone and giving it about 6 meetings before deciding if alanon is right for you. It took me a little longer not because of the lovely support that was available .. I tend to prefer to learn slower .. lol. I stuck it out and this has been an amazing year, no matter what the pain (pain is pain) I am grateful for the opportunity to have the program of alanon in my life.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Becki, Keep on posting and reading and listening here. Get to a face to face meeting if you have one in your town. I would also suggest that you take care of your finances yourself. Maybe you could get him to sign off on the house so that you could sell it and get into a smaller one? Don't trust him at all to do the right thing by you. Investigate what may be possible for you to do to protect yourself. It will be hard so take small steps and don't overwhelm yourself.
Thank you all for the responses. I'm actually excited about doing this. I compare it to taking medicine to get better...it may take a while, but I'm a pretty strong minded person and am sure that it will "cure" me.
I do have a question about detachment, though. When people say detachment, does that mean to detach from him all the time or when he's drunk? Do I refuse to do anything with him at all? It's difficult doing that when we live together and with all the kids. Take Saturday for instance...there was a large group of teenagers going to a haunted house with us on Saturday night. He decided to drink two large glasses of liquor and filled a flask to take with him. We weren't driving, luckily. I didn't want to go at all when I saw him doing that...but it's a tradition and one of the few normal things that the kids get to do as a family so I went along and went. What would any of you have done? Would you disappoint the kids or would you have gone anyways? The kids still had a great time...I was the resentful one...always worried and mortified when he fell several times in the haunted house. No one else seemed to even notice.
I just want to knock him in the head and make him see the childhood that he's giving these kids...every kid deserves a great childhood. I had one and he had one..there's so much I don't understand about this.
He tells me that he knows he drinks too much but he likes it...he doesn't want to change for himself. He told me that he would only want to change for me and the kids
Hi Becki... this is such classic manipulation from an active alcoholic.... it feels as if he is trying to give YOU the shoulder of blame/responsibility for what is clearly HIS disease.... One of the great things you will learn in YOUR recovery, through Al-Anon, is how to hand this back to him.....
Hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Becki! It never ceases to amaze me when I read a post like yours how many people are going through the very same things that I've gone through. And until I got on this site, I thought I was all alone! Like you, I met my AH when I was 13. Like you, my guy makes good money and is very smart. Like you, my life slowly came apart because of his drinking. Like you, I feel I'm a strong person. Like you, my AH realized he drank too much, but he liked it and didn't see it as a problem, only saw it as a problem for me. My AH started going to AA only because it was the only way I would agree to stay with him. I guess I was lucky because, once he startred going, it soon became something he did for himself. That may be what happens in your case, but maybe not. And also, i don't mean to imply that our problems ended there. There have been many relapses along the way, and many heart-aches. No one can tell you what to do or how to do it, there is no 'cure'. But maybe some of us can pass along what has helped us and you'll find something useful. At the very least, you'll know you're not alone. For me, I tried the al-anon meetings in my area (small town, we only have 1), but they didn't help much. It just wasn't a good fit and that was probably more my fault than the group's. I hope you have a good experience because I think those meetings can be true life-savers for most people. The big issue is not him, it's you. Regardless of what path he chooses, you've got to just get out of his way and take care of yourself. Not an easy task for us 'strong-willed' folks! For me, I learned how to do that by posting and reading others posts on this site, lots of praying and talking to my minister and a therapist, reading daily from "Courage to Change" and "One day at a Time in Al-Anon", and reading everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism and spouses of alcoholics. One of the most helpful for me was a book called "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet Woititz. For me, knowledge is power, and the more I learn about alcoholism, the better equipped I am to deal with it. And the more I read about and talk to others who have lived this same nightmare, the more able I become to do what I need to do for ME. As for detaching, well, I'm getting better at it, but it really is something I've had to try to teach myself to do and I haven't quite perfected it yet. But it helps, so I keep trying. Most importantly, I think, is to keep coming back here. Take in everything others are saying about your situation, read other posts and see what others are going through, take what helps and leave the rest. memorize the catch-phrases: as odd as that seems, they really do help. The one that has become my mantra is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it , and I can't cure it." sounds simple, but I'm still working at making myself believe it! Please write again and let us know how you're doing. And remember, love yourself because you are SO worth it!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Reading through your posts I really feel for you. I am also new to the forum and have also decided maybe it is time for me to go to an alan non meeting, the alcoholic in my life is my brother, he is 40 years of age and is just drinking all night all the time, he gets bursts and anger and paronia and has threatened to end it all, my head is wrecked with it as we are close and i just want to see him happy and okay. Our family is fairly disfunctional at the best of times so I can half understand the paronia but he is not thinking straight I am so worried about him but like you were saying you have to take care of yourself. I am hoping to learn to detach and not spend hours talking to him on the phone etc because I am worried if you know what I mean. I have got fairly obsessed with worrying and I am trying now to step back and realise that I cannot change him. I have asked him to get help and he said he does not need it so what can I do this is going on years, he gets narky and sarcastic and into fights all the time its like walking on egg shells. I just feel that its time for me to let go with love and wish him the best otherwise I am going to drive myself mad trying to solve his life.
With your husband I know its hard because the kids are involved but I would rather a memory and a lovely time with you then one of my father wasted and passing out on the couch. Maybe talk to him when he is sober and give him an ultimatum that you are going to leave if he does not change. If he doesnt change I would leave Becki as you will end up being brought down and the kids will also feel your energy. Things will get better maybe he needs a serious wakeup call. Also behind that drinking is other issues there always is so getting to the root of that will really help. I wish you all the best, take care of yourself.
Again, thanks for the posts. I know that he's manipulative and I can see that he feels guilty all time which makes him want to drink more..vicious circle...I watch all the triggers. He projects all the time and I recognize it, but I'm extremely hardheaded. My biggest problem is I let him egg me on. I have a hard time just walking away when I know I'm right. But, I've finally learned that arguing with a drunk is SUCH a waste of breath. He doesn't even remember half of our conversations. It's like living with someone with short term memory loss...daily I hear "you never told me that" which I have told him...multiple times.
I just spoke to my sister. She is a recovering addict. She was addicted to heroin, but hasn't touched it in 5 years. I asked her how she did it. She said that one day she looked in the mirror and asked herself, "what am I doing? This is stupid!" and just quit. I watched her do it and I know that's true. I know that is uncommon, but why can't he be strong like her?? Is it unfair that I'm even comparing them?
It's very heartbreaking to see this. He's such a generous man and he does love the kids and me as much as he's able to. I hate that it will eventually come down to him being alone.
Well..."Changing for you and the kids." I would hand his disease back to him and say this is changing for him because it's changing to be a good father and husband and if he want's that, then it is for him. Maybe have him ponder that. Those are usually prime motivators for getting started in sobriety.
Of course you'll likely get more BS cuz he don't want to stop like he said. He doesn't seem to see a problem passing out every night and checking out of being a dad and a husband. It won't be a problem until he comes closer to losing the things that are important to him.
I am glad you are planning on making it to face to face meetings, that is where I have learned so much and this board has been full of great support for me in between meetings. Finding a sponsor is also priceless. Keep up the good work! Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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