The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so happy to find this forum. I have been trying to find support groups in my area, but proving difficult. I will find support eventually, and look forward to being active on this board and making many dear friends. For now, I would greatly appreciate immediate advice for my situation.
My husband was in and out of detox and rehab all summber after a hit and run he doesn't even remember. Thankfully, no one seriously injured. He is 66 days of recovery and very proud and grateful for that. He is an alcoholic and addict. Drug of Choice: Xanex and pain killers and alcohol cocktails.
We are currently in India. Our surrogate just give birth to boy/girl twins on Oct 6th. This was supposed to be a time for us to work on our marriage and enjoy the miracle of the two babies we've fprayed so much for. it has turned into a nightmare! India has no laws for prescription drugs and his DsOC are available and legal, and CHEAP. He has relasped, BAD! I'm worried about his safety. I am in a foreign land, with a verbally abusive addict, and two beautiful, helpless preemies. I am deeply hurt as he uses the babies agaist me (because we used an egg donor and they are not genetically mine.) But most of all, I'm trying to shelter these babies.
I don't know how to calm him or stop his spiraling path of destruction. His anger is directed at me, though I know he's really upset with himself. Nothing I say is right, I can't do anything right, he is hostile and aggitated and I know it is affecting the babies.
Are there any right words or actions that may get through to him?
First and foremost..you cannot do anything to get through to him. You can only take care of you.
When I went to alanon..I used to get really pissed at people when they said that to me...I would think "WHAT are you talking about? Don't you understand?"
Truth is, we DO understand. Focus on you and the babies. Detach from his addiction...you cannot control it or him..and you will go crazy trying to...and that will take energy away from what you CAN do...take care of your kids.
I like the analogy of a storm -- addiction is like being in a storm -- you can't fix it...just gotta ride it out and take care of you (and those precious babies).
We have ALL been where you are...find strength in this community...(((HUGS)))
TY sooo much! It makes sense! It's not all me or something I'm doing wrong. I can't get through to him. I do need to detach from his addiction because it is making me absolutely crazy!
I am aready finding strength and relief here...thank you - sincerely! {{hugs}}
You do not say how long you are staying in India for. al ano is all over the world thre is an offical al anon website where you can locate meetings , I know a friend of mine has been to an al anon meeting in india. Once you get home you can hopefully find a regular meeting to attend. In al anon we do not give advice we just share our experiences, what we have learnt only you know your reality and can make the choices that are right for you.
Someone on here once said to me he is going to drink, take drugs and get in all kinds of messes what are you going to do. For a very long time i still tryed to fix my partner. But I learnt that aloholism is a disease of the brain I can not fix it anymore than I could fix it if he had cancer. So what can I do. I can try really hard to remember he is sick and that all the bad behaviour is not personal. However that does not mean that unaccepatable behaviour is o.k. It is my responsibility to look after me and my children until he has had enough pain and seeks help because that is the only way they get better is when THEY re ready AND HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH. I suffered with my partner for a long time so did my children. howver thanks to al anon today I take care of me and my kids put first things first. those babies need you to be o.k your husband may be ill but he is an adult with choices.
please keep coming back no one understands the way al anon people do who have been where you are.
Hi baby steps, My AH had both alcoholism and cancer. Let me agree with the others, I couldn't do anything about either of his problems. But there was a huge difference. Cancer (unless it is in the brain) doesn't cause abusive behavior. It is the behavior that you are dealing with, not the sickness. You have some bad behavior that you are going to have to deal with so that it doesn't affect you and the children in a horrible way. With the addiction, your hubby is stepping away from the marriage and fatherhood and relationships with anything other than his drugs of choice. There is nothing you can do about that. Only he can solve his problems. You have your own problems and they will take all your attention. Get your own support groups to help you.
The 3 C's, you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you will not cure the addiction.
Yes, addiction is a disease, however the addict is still responsible for their choices.
I hope you will consider finding out if a meeting is available in your area .. I know overseas and in India it would be a daunting task, it sounds like it would be a good course of action to take. See what you options are for a face to face meeting.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome Babysteps - I can only imagine how hard it is being in another country facing this, with two new babies....sending you lots of support. It's great that you found this forum as it is full of warmth and wisdom and people who understand. As someone who's been there with my AH, there is really nothing you can say to him (particularly when he's drunk) that will make him stop...it is a process he will have to get to himself, if he so chooses. It is very frustrating to try and knock sense in someone who is self destructing. The decision to seek and stick to recovery comes from within...and many people don't get it right the first few tries. I learned the hard way with my AH that all the begging and pleading and trying to "sense" him into it didn't work....(I sometimes felt he was defying me on purpose).
Perhaps when you get home and are settled in with your babies you will be able to make some more clear decisions. There isn't one right answer for everyone. In my case I had to separate from my AH as I couldn't deal with it. He is pursuing recovery now but of course we all know what a slippery slope it is.
In addition to meetings, I suggest the book "Getting Them Sober"...it has helped and continues to help me when I am feeling. I flip through it a lot when I get nervous and I find it provides a lot of comfort and common sense.
Most importantly, please take care of yourself and your babies. If he is actively using, you just need to detach...yes, it is hard, and you are in a tough situation, but it will get better. Keep coming back. Hugs, nyc
Hi and welcome to MIP. I read a great book by Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober" it was very helpful! I am sending you love and support on your journey and keep coming back, you are worth it!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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