Husband received 2nd DUI after 12 years from the first and only 9 months after treatment. - Al-Anon Family Group

Confidence is my illusion · Newbie

Husband received 2nd DUI after 12 years from the first and only 9 months after treatment.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP I hope you will find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you too need to recover from someone elses drinking . You will find support from people who understand exactly how u feel and will share thier recovery with you . Separating was the best thing my husb did for us many yrs ago he was gone for 6 months and almost drank himself to death he had been sober for 9 months previous to our separation , in that 6 months he realized what he was doing to himself and his family and eventually chose sobriety , I found in those 6 months that I was going to be okay with out him . He chose sobriety and came back to his family that was 20 yrs ago I am not sorry that I chose to try and make our marriage work but sobriety was the only option for me I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again . Now is the time to focus on your needs while he figures out what he needs to do for himself . Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board and we who have been here and in Al-Anon know why you are posting. We too had to reach out beyond ourselves to find help from the Experience, Strength and Hope from others who knew what we did not.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless it is arrested by total abstinence it will get worse never better. It progresses into insanity and death and affects everyone it comes into contact with.

Good to have you hear...there will be many suggestions from those who followed up on the suggestions themselves which saved their minds, spirits, bodies and emotions. Abbyal is an oldtimer and knows the recovery trail very well. For me let me just suggest you keep coming back and listen with an open mind.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome and I am glad you are here!

I too hope he will get himself to AA and hopefully see if he is ready to get on a program of recovery!!!!

It's such a horrible disease! YES it hurts, they are sick and we love them! Hopefully through Al Anon you will learn some tools that will help you and in turn it helps him.

Maybe this will be a good break for you guys. We get so torn up from their disease we lose our way. But once we work the program it all can get so much better!

I do hope you will take advantage of this home here. You have stumbled to your miracle if you stay I promise!

hugs,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Confidence,

Perhaps you are posting because you are seeking some understanding from those who have been in your shoes.

My story is similar to yours. I, too, asked my husband to leave our home after his 2nd DUI and 1 rehab stay.

We've been through a lot - much more than I care to get into right now.

Why I'm posting is to share with you that the best thing I did for me and him was to go to Al-Anon. It's there where I began to find the courage to live by the principles that I read about in books on alcoholism, such as Getting Them Sober. At meetings, I find people who understand how I feel and they share how they've managed to find peace in their lives. Meetings give me hope, courage, comfort and tools to make my life better.

I hope you consider Al-Anon and get started on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism.

My ex-husband and I now live together. After his 3rd rehab stay, he finally realized that he can't drink or it will cost him his life. He attends AA meetings every day.

He is one of those who tried AA long ago to appease me. He used to say that he wasn't like them - he used to say they were a bunch of **** alcoholics. Now, he laughs because he realizes that he is just like them - people who can't drink.

It does get better if you begin to take care of yourself. In the process, it helps him too.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 23rd of October 2011 09:36:24 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Confidence,

I too have a similar experience this is technically my AH's 3rd DUI (it was seen as a 2nd by the state, it is his 3rd), first since we have been together. He has also gone through treatment years ago 15ish years ago now that I think about it. At the end of summer last year I faced a similar choice, I asked my AH to leave for a couple of weeks while I sorted out my feelings about things. It took me another 3 months to walk through the doors of alanon I went literally on the last Tuesday of the month last year. I'm so very, very grateful I took the risk and did so. No one could have told me that things between my AH and I would be so very different. My AH is not in a recovery program that I am aware of, I'm soooo different now. I don't know if my AH will choose recovery, it is between him and his HP. I only know how much better I feel now that I'm looking at my own situation with clear glasses and not spotted ones. I see I have choices, they may not be easy choices I still have them. We also have 2 young kids, my eldest is 12 and youngest is 7. This past year to them is the Year Daddy Didn't Drive. It has not always been easy, however we've all done the best that we can. Believe it or not the kids are doing great and I know it's because I'm doing well. My AH has made his own choices and his own decisions that have made him feel better too.

The financial situation is a hard one, we really couldn't afford the hits that have happened, that is a bitter pill to swallow. The residual anger I've had to deal with was hard at first, I wanted to punish and hurt him the way I hurt. I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting, so many other people are dealing with similar situations or have had similar situations happen. Most importantly, at least it was to me, I found out I wasn't alone and it made all the difference in the world. I have discovered me which was a gift because I had been so wrapped up in if my AH drank or not, what he was doing or not doing over the past many years that I had completely lost track of me. I could tell you I was a mother, wife, daughter and that was about it .. nothing else registered. This year I can tell you I am discovering ME. :)

It does get better, I hope you choose to start a journey of recovery for you, hugs P :)

hawaiilover · Senior Member

So sorry to hear about your husband's DUIs. I have not experience it; however, I too am married to an alcoholic. We are separated at the moment. We have been married for 36 yrs. This disease does not discriminate. Like you, I have gone through the rehabs treatment episodes more than I am willing to admit. Hubby has tried everything and still drinking. I am here to work on me. Alanon has given me my sanity. Today I have a life that I enjoy with or without the alcoholic. I am connected to three meetings, church, family and friends. Coming to MIP really helps. There is a lot of recovery here. Pls. keep coming back.

Hawaii

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here :) The books that have helped me: One Day at a time in alanon, Courage to change, the AA big book and Getting Them Sober. Coming to this board, going to alanon meetings and finding alanon friends and a sponsor to talk with have all helped... Keep coming :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there. The point of you being here is to get support and help for you. You cannot be all things and you are going through a serious crisis. You are entitled to support from others. You can ask for help and receive it. Welcome.

Confidence is my illusion · Newbie

Update - my husband never left the day I asked him to leave. I couldn't believe it. I finally got the courage to ask and he just disappeared until dark and came back and went straight to his room. We no longer share the same bedroom; he snores and I'm a light sleeper. To tell the truth I was so floored, I didn't know what to do next so I did nothing. He hasn't drank since that weekend but mopes around the house waiting for someone to tell him everything is going to be ok. I'm doing the best I can to move through each day and still stay functional at work and be there for my high school aged son who is still living at home. The strain on the relationship between the two of us is even affecting the poor dogs. Even they are sleeping more and not so happy.

I got up my courage one more time today and asked him to leave and he started crying. What?!?! I certainly did not expect that reaction. He told me he can't be alone during this time and that he needs me. For what, I asked. To support him and help him through this, he replied. I told him I had my hands full getting myself through this and that I couldn't provide the type of support he needed. Go to AA, I said, they understand and know why type of support you need or maybe try going back to treatment. He told me that he had been to two meetings but was just too stressed out to find the energy to attend anymore until he knows what's going to happen to his driver's license. What do I say to that?

I felt some surprise at his response to my request but little else. Does that mean it's truly over? How can I know for sure when I don't even know what I feel at all. I've noticed I hardly cry at all anymore and I used to cry at strong emotions whether I was happy or sad. Does it get any clearer when you are not immersed in the situation 24/7? I feel like I need to get my head clear but it is so hard when you can never get away from it. I still don't know where this issue stands.

Thanks again for the support and encouraging words.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting for you, as much as he is going through you also need loving support which we all gladly give here, it's not the same as a face to face meeting.

Until a true program of recovery is worked by an addict I don't think it's ever over and even then it brings a whole set of other issues to the table. I've heard many people share that as their A got help they actually got worse and didn't understand why if their A wasn't drinking/drugging weren't things better? The reality is the other party was still operating out of survival mode and those tools no longer work.

The best thing for me about the meetings is it grounds me and lets me know I"m not alone and I don't have to stay where I am at. I love how I feel after a meeting and it def makes a difference in me and my ability to live a full life.

Hugs p :)

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