The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading a bio/interview on the internet yesterday and the alcholic (not in recovery) said they felt their (husband) stayed with them as a way of punishing themselves. I think that would explain why I stuck it out so long in my last relationship and why I've found it so hard to extricate myself from others.
Self punsihment is a form of self hatred and I definitely had that. I also felt that I owed humanity for living. I am really aware these days when I run into active addicts they have a gerat sense of entitlement. I had none.
I don't know that I had a choice about self punishing as I didn't actually know I was doing that. Now I do I have to be wary of what I get myself into
Thanks for this thought provoking topic. I really do not think that I stayed as a way of punishing myself I stayed because I mistakenly believed that I made a commitment and was obligated to stay regardless.
I stayed because I thought the could not survive without me, and I had to be strong and compassionate because he was sick. Distorted thinking no doubt but I did not want to punish me or think I deserved to be punished I had NO self Esteem, after living in this situation for 12 years without al anon so that I did not feel entitled to help or support or understanding. Thank God for al anon and al anon for God.
I stayed because I thought leaving would be a "wrong" decision; even more wrong than marrying in the first place; also enablers have an inherent sense of hope inspite of the evidence. Discussions on denial were always very enlightening to me. Also being married to another alcoholic/addict means I didn't have to go far to blame someone for all of the problems in my life. She was really handy for that so why would I want to give it up? Al-Anon taught me about the 3 fingers pointing back at me when I was judging and blaming her so I finally located the person who was responsible for all of the sickness in my life. Good thread. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I have stayed due to not understanding what I was dealing with.
Low self esteem, my own sickness co-dependecy.
I do not thing I wanted to hurt myself but I do realise today that I have low self worth and see everyone as more important.
I also stayed because it was a sickness if he had cancer I would not leave. Everyone stays for different reasons, this disease is very cunning and baffling as they say. Today I have left and it is very hard. But I have left for the right reasons.
A. I can not get him better he needs to do that with no distractions from me.
B. As jerry said I need to look at the part I have played, I also need to get to know me.
I have put up with lots of unacceptable behaviour but thanks to al anon today i know I have choices and I have the strength to pick the ones that are best for me and leave others to make their own.
Thanks all of you for posting on this subject! New to al alon, but not the disease. You've given me so much to think about. I know I am way too hurt, confused, paralyzed with fear to make any decisions right now...and things just got WAY more complicated, having just delivered b/g twins on 10/6.
