well- you wnt want to hear from me then- becasue i am virtually the same- stick with things it does get improve- just keep getting yourself out there on every opportunity even thugh you feel like a spare wheel. i dread "what are you doing for the weekend" to as its always nothing- but i think this is true for millions of families who are too poor to do anything. sometimes i feel like life is a process of getting through the days- but you have just got to look more positive. its your mind set thats the problem mostly. think you are a failure- thn yu will be.....the last party i went to- i spent the whole evening vibrant and happy and said things like "Im so HAPPY now..i love whre i live....etc" and people fell for it!!! ha ha ha ha...anyways- i was sick of being the under dog.

just wanted to say- i know how you feel- i am feeling this way myself- especially with fireworks coming up again- and halloween- and my sn and i have to listen t what everyne is up to all the time- its unbearable- really it is. but i for one will not lose hope for a better life and im trying to stay positive.

yes absolutely green grass- lets remember we have the reigns of our own destiny- no one made me stay in every night- that was my choice because i had a child. i could join groups and clubs but i dont. i think althugh sometimes people complain about isolation- its a safe place and no one wants to go out of your comfort zone- although atheos i respect the fact that you do voluntary work and still feel isolated- its a case of trying to improve your mind set an d wating it out till it gets better- because it does- things do change. its important to not let your mind hang over to the negative side too much- when ever yu feel it going over- try and bring it back again with a counteractive positive. in most cases it works- in some cases you just have to feel what yu are feeling to move on.

but let me give you some food for thought- my friend is always doing things- every weekend she has something planned- she has a lovely house and a garden to have dinner parties in- she has people phoning her up- for her 40th birthday she had a 100 people turn up. my life is just me- my son and not much else (apart from my wonderfl son of course) but guess who is on anti depressants? not me- but she is. figure that one out.

You gotta find something central that suits you whether it be some sort of hangout/restaurant, a church, an organized team/club, or even a clubhouse/alano club (though acknowledge you'll run into a lot of alcoholics and addicts as well at the people there attending alanon meetings). After that, you get involved in the activities or even service of some kind. The commitment forces you to keep going and eventually you will make friends naturally. If you don't have interests or something common to bond over, it's hard to make good friends.

I have absolutely been in your shoes.  There is hope.  I grew up in an emotionally isolated family and never learned how to relate to people.  The kids at school taunted me because I "dressed funny," and my mother had Asperger's, so I never learned how to relate to people.  When I started in the adult world, I had to learn all that stuff about getting along with people and making friends from scratch.  It was like learning to walk at age 25 instead of age 1.  But I did do it.

What's been key for me is to find small groups of people that meet regularly.  I got into two writing groups that met every week.  For the first two years I never spoke to anyone during the breaks.  I wondered how they felt so at ease that they all chatted with each other.  But very very gradually they began to speak to me, and I'd answer, and eventually I felt calmer, and I began focusing on the answer instead of my nervousness, and one thing led to the next.  Now those people are some of my best friends.  I still see some of them for lunch twice a week, so we still have regularly-scheduled meetings.  And now I run my own writing group.

I've found that there's one very important component to interaction.  My mother would always try to be clever or to say the right thing so people would know she was a good person.  I've found by hard experience that this doesn't work.  What I've found is that asking the other person questions (trivial questions but about themselves) is key, interspersed with making remarks about the situation.  "Lots of people here tonight!  And in this weather!  Did you get wet?"  You throw the conversational ball to them, giving them something easy to reply to.  Then when they throw the ball back, what you say has to have something they can reply to.  So when they say, "I almost rode my bike, I would have been soaked, but then I decided to take the car," you don't say, "Yeah," but you give them another handle: "Good choice -- I even forgot my umbrella" or "Yeah, it's awful when you're someplace and you're soaked" or whatever.  And throughout the conversation you look for things you have in common.  Eventually you refer to them in conversation.  Basically everyone is nervous in conversations and loves it when you make it easy for them. 

Keep at it. It does get better.  I am absolutely living proof of this. And the feeling that things will never get better is a precipitator of depression and a symptom of it.  A good therapist might be a great resource -- it was for me.

Hi Atheos

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 06:54:59 PM

I had to find healthy hobbies when I became single and now I roller skate, started on the local EMT squad and have a ladies bible study group that meets weekly. I meet my sponsor once a week and I try to make 2 meetings a week. It takes time when you start working on yourself to discover your likes, but I learned I like to walk along the woods with my toddler and dog and sometimes jog. I learned if I get myself out of the house and moving it gets easier each step forward even to just go look around. I think "easy does it" and "What others think of you are none of your business" apply here. If you stay inside worried about saying or doing the wrong thing you will keep doing what you have always done and that will get you more of the same. Step out little by little. I wish I lived closer I love getting together with people and laughing after meetings. You have great awareness and sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. Okay no more Al-anon slogans, but I really am shy and have to push through my anxiety and laugh at myself a lot to be the social butterfly I am sometimes. Sending you love nad support on your journey!