New and Confused - Al-Anon Family Group

Not Alone · Member

New and Confused

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes a long time to see if someone is going to make it in recovery. Al-Anon advises not to make any drastic decisions in the first six months. (Unless your physical safety is at stake.) What that suggests to me is that you don't have to say "Yes" to him immediately, just as you don't have to say "No" to him immediately. If he profits from recovery and stays with it for the rest of his life, you have a long time to see if it sticks and if you want to move forward with him.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Knowing what I know know about my AH, I wish we were not married so it would be easier to cut my losses. And we have children, which makes it so hard. If I were in your shoes I'd like to think I would leave but I'm sure its not that easy for you.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and Welcome,

Something that has helped me tremendously is going to an open AA meeting. The one I attend is a speaker meeting and the thing I like about it is I get to hear for an hour about someone else's story. It helps me understand better the thinking an alcoholic is in, where they are at emotionally, mentally and even spiritually as they spiral down and then hearing what made it click for them to get better. They are usually very painful stories with a tremendous amount of hope and faith. I have learned a lot from recovering alcoholics.

Plus it also helps me make sense of my own behavior and how it was I got to where I was at in accepting unacceptable behavior. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, they are still responsible for their choices and their consequences. Ditto for my own part, I have to stop allowing my life to rotate around what my AH may or may not do, I had to free myself to live a full life.

It does take time to see what is going to happen when someone is in recovery and I say the same as mattie that you can take time and take your own steps to decide what is right for you. In loving anyone we have to accept the great, good, bad and ugly, in an addict it means accepting that they are also addicts, the only thing that changes in that statement is if they are an active addict or recovering addict. They will always be an addict, that part never goes away. Part of my own recovery is learning to accept my AH for the whole package. My AH is a really good guy who happens to be an addict.

Hugs P :)

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Not Alone,

You could not have picked a better name.....because guess what?.....You are "Not Alone".....anymore!

Members of Miracles In Progress all came because they were effected by someone else's drinking. We understand what you are going through. Going it alone is to much for most of us. The Al-Anon program will give you the help and support you need. No one will give you advice or tell you what you should or should not do. You will be offered our Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) .....what worked for us as we also dealt with the disease of alcoholism. We received help from those who came before us and gave back to us what the program had given them. Step One in the program states: "We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmagageable." That's where I was when I found the program, and where you are. The only person we have control over is ourselves.

There is a reason Alcoholism is best defined as cunning, baffling, and powerful. It takes over the mind, body, and spirit, of the alcoholic. If I could add one more word to the definition, I would add "selfish" because it is all consuming.

Be thankful your fiance is not in denial and is seeking recovery through AA, recognizing he does have a problem.

If I can offer you my ES&H it would be to seek recovery for yourself by finding and attending a face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. You will find a new caring family in the rooms of Al-Anon just as you have found a new caring family here at MIP. It's what worked for me and thousand of others world wide.

Take the time to read prior post on this site, research and find out all you can about this disease, and keep coming back and posting. The program can work in your life and make your life better "One Day At A Time". Seek the recovery you need and deserve. You don't have to be alone in the disease anymore. Now is the time to start taking care of yourself.

HUGS,
RLC

rrib · Senior Member

Mattie wrote:
It takes a long time to see if someone is going to make it in recovery. Al-Anon advises not to make any drastic decisions in the first six months.

Good advise. Sounds like you guys are already seperated. Great time to work on your own individual recoveries. His in A.A. and yours in Al-Anon.

Take some time to shake the cobwebs loose in your own head and you'll have a better idea what path you want to walk down for a future.

Welcome. Keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are confused becuz you need knowledge and experience. you are doing the perfect thing coming to Al Anon. meetings, read literature.

As far as him,it's totally up to him to do what he is going to do. Drinking or not makes no difference. We learn in Al Anon to love them as is,if we choose to live with them it is as,whether they drink or not.

Addiction is never cured. They will be an addict till they die. We learn to have our own lives, and just love them. To depend on them, share a loan with them, share a house, banking, vehicles is insane. They are not like marrying an non A. They are sick. If they are in recovery, its forever a task for them.

You have heard of relapse. Relapse is a part of recovery. I do not make this up. Most all true Addict information will tell you this. It does not mean they all will either. But relapse is not just about using again. Its dropping off your program and going back to negative addict behavior.

After being here over ten years, watching many friends and family, I would NEVER get involved with an A again. I mean as a mate. I could easily be a friend though.

I was going into medicine in college in my forties. I really got into learning about addiction. when I married my forever love, he was in recovery., I may have had the physical knowledge but had NO idea about relapse, addiction symptoms, how a non A is so not like an A.

Al Anon put me on the path. Now I find if I meet someone, it takes no time at all for me to know they are an A. Not unlike knowing one is not.

I am sorry our A is so sick. It is great he is getting help! You know just becuz we love them does not mean we have to live with them. Myself, i would NEVEr have a child with one. I did one time and no way would I again.

you got some great experience here. I hope you keep coming. The more you know the less confused you will be and you will feel better i promise! love,debilyn

rosielee · Senior Member

give it a while and let him get started with his recovery on his own- only think about started a relationship again until he has well into his recovery- minimum of six months. this is because he needs to focus on his rehabilitation and focus on this alone without added stresses and demands of a relationship- its also an insurance for you- as you need to start a relationship with someone who is whole and ready- dont start when he is broken and ill. if yu want him to do well and to succeed leave him to focus on this for now. thats my thoughts- and is also the thoughts of every addiction counsellor and rehab place in the world too.

Not Alone · Member

Thank you all for your comments. You have all said stuff that I know in my mind. I guess it's just so new, so raw that I have had every possible thought racing through my mind in the last week. It hurts - I hurt.

He definitely needs the time to focus on his recovery - that is clear. I don't want "us" to muddle that in any way. I have already decided that I am going to use this time to focus on me and what I need. I know I need to recover in my own way - I just don't know where to start. I have booked an appointment with a counsellor. I've looked at Al-Anon meetings here and I just don't know if I am ready for that...yet. I will see how things go with the counsellor to start with.

Thanks again for all your comments. I am glad I found this site and plan to use it. It is good to know that we aren't alone and see the wide variety of experiences with this is reassuring.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Not Alone,

I just wanted to welcome you myself to MIP. I am glad you are here and you have already received such trememdous support from many members.

What I would like to share was that for me the most important thing I could do in my journey of recovery was to go to alanon and work the steps with my sponsor. I had a welcomed distraction with the step work and the relationship I was building with my sponsor to keep the focus on me and my recovery. I know if I did not have the process to go through, I would always be worried about "him", what he was doing or not doing. Did he go to meetings? Is he working the AA program?

Alanon taught me how to mind my own business. I cannot help an alcoholic in their recovery, but AA can. When I keep my focus on my recovery, even if only one person in the relationship is going, healing can occur. This has been my personal experience as I am very active in Alanon and have been for years.

Please keep coming back. There is hope. My marriage has never been stronger and happier. We do this together, one day at a time.

In support,

Tommye

rrib · Senior Member

Not Alone wrote:
I've looked at Al-Anon meetings here and I just don't know if I am ready for that...

Just a short note of encouagement. Meetings are easy. All you have to do is show up. Don't even have to talk if you're not in the mood. 'Hi, my name is ______. Just here to listen today'. People will understand.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Not Alone and welcome! I am in a somewhat similar situation, separated from an alcoholic husband who is now living with his mom. I actually think it is wise and considerate on his part not to push himself back to your house; at least he respects your boundaries and admits that he needs to work on his recovery. I could not handle living in the same home as AH and while I haven't exactly felt great, I am in a better place now that he isn't living here (although he comes over to see our son).
I also relate to your feeling, being "stuck" - the way I am dealing with it is just deciding that I don't have to make a decision. You have to see what plays out. My family wants me to categorically cut the cord for good and is putting a lot of pressure for me to do that. If I do that in the end, it needs to be because I felt it was the right choice, not to succumb to family pressures.
Anyway, I think you can use this time to work on yourself and gain some peace and serenity of not living with active alcoholism. You will know, when the time is right, what path to choose. Right now focus on the here and now, and on gaining back your peace.
wishing you lots of support, nyc

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I agree with rrib...going to a counselor is harder than going to a meeting. Anyhow, I think it's a good sign that he admits his behavior has damaged you and he is giving you space. Take advantage of it. Right now, someone has told him that is the appropriate response for you. He needs time to really understand his alcoholism and to come to terms with exactly what it did to him and others in his life. He wont be able to do that as easily while living with you. If you give it a few months and see him progressing, you might be able to make a better decision at that point.

Mark

Cupcake · Veteran Member

Go to a meeting. Honestly it is the best thing I could have done for myself and my marriage. I would be lost without them. The love and acceptance you will find in that room will be like a tonic and you will want to come back again and again. Al-Anon is the lifeline that we were all looking for.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Another MIP/Al-Anon member in support of the support you have received here. Truth also is that you don't know what will work for you and will follow up on what others have done such as pay a counselor or like this large fellowship...go to Al-Anon which is in 131 countries around the globe and has over 24000 registered meetings. So you are not alone. Alcoholism is a world-wide disease which affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions and everyone it comes into contact with...It can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested it stays progressive...never gets better always worse. It is a fatal disease that if allowed to progress will result in insanity and death. We also have become as affected as the alcoholic in that we have learned to react and act in such away that we too affect everyone we come in contact with and have much the same there choices...recovery, insanity or death.

Like others here I encourage you to overcome the fear and the "I don't know ifs..." and to visit the fellowship in your area. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your telephone book and that leads to the places and times where and when we get together in your town. We won't know who you are when you walk in but we will know why you're there...same reason as we have for being there.

Welcome to MIP...In support with the rest of the family. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.