How to stand up for myself? - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

How to stand up for myself?

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Funny, my wife has a photo biz as well!

Anyway, I think for me, when I dread these things, I have found that if I focus on 24 hours out, it brings me a sense of relief. In other words, if I just say "I'm dreading doing this thing in an hour, or whenever, but I know in 24 hours it will all be over and it won't be nearly as bad as I fear".

Give your HP a chance to make this situation manageable for you and make this process not so difficult. And just to fall back on an Al Anon-ism, "say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean". Try not to project how it will play out. Ultimately, this is the right thing to do and the right conversation to have, her reaction is not what is important, you doing what is right for you is what is important.

Good luck!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps something such as:

_____________ I get a sense that this is partnership is not working for the two of us. I think it is in my best interest to part ways from this point forward. Now is the best time for us move forward and dissolve the business relationship. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

I would not bring up specific details and split hairs over certain issues. I feel from your post that you want to separate so arguing, explaining, and defending your part or hers is destructive and obstructs what you are trying to accomplish. The key is keep it VERY SIMPLE. When I make strong statements such as those above ending a relationship, they key is to stay on track. Should you receive resistance, it has been my experience that it is best to repeat over and over, "it is in my best interest to part ways, now is the time." That way you stay true to your own objective and not waver from what you are trying to accomplish. Inevitably they will see you mean business and there is no going back.

It is scary like hell. I know the feeling, it doesnt feel good. But, if you look at how you have felt over the last few months, nothing pays better dividends than to take an action when the time is right. For me I usually have these discussions if possible in the morning when everyone had a good night sleep. Trying to do so after a long day may be problematic. Put the timing of it in your HP hands and pray without ceasing. HE will give you the words and wisdom to keep your side of the street clean as you separate yourself from her.

In support,

Tommye

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

BTW,

Nice Avatar..... smile

rosielee · Senior Member

mmmmmm......i feel the following words coming on....i think she has a personality disorder. in which case, there will be no winning with this person- no last word- no resolution- no amicable parting in a dignified way. there is no getting on top of communication with a personality disordered person. in fact- the advice on line tells you to control the pace of your breathing- and to pace the conversation and control the tone of your own voice becasue this is all you can do!
so brace yourself- take a deep breath and breath nice and evenly and when she gets nasty- personal - demeaning and controlling it will really irk her if you dont react just as impulsively as she does. if you keep calm and say things like, "well.......(deep breath and a pause) Im sorry you feel this way"

or "well of course- if this is your decision"

or "I would like to part in an amicable way, but if you feel you are not able to"

its hard to think what to say...as t be honest- i have no clue whats going on here really.
if it helps- she is most probably not thinking about your feelings- how uncomfortable you are- how inconvenient and distressing it is for you- so i would really not waste much empathy on this person-
thats all i can say to help really- and ive massively read between the lines just to find this to say.

its Very hard to stand up to someone with a personality disorder. because no one likes uncomfortable confrontation and they thrive on it- but if yu do find some strength she may back down as they play on weakness. dont underestimate this persons lack of empathy towards you- just go for it- say what you have to say.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs YFM,

I don't know how it happened and I will use my AH as an example. My infamous driving story .. lol. I just had such clarity of thought, it was an out of body experience watching him talk to me and hearing what he was saying and me thinking at the same time .. WOW .. if I was in his shoes I would be treating me the same way. I was in classic doormat mode at that point. I just knew in that moment it was time to stop being a doormat.

What worked for me is I just said you know what .. you are right, we should not be in the same car together and my words just took off from there. I was able to do it in a way because I remained calm and I never got defensive I agreed with his statements. I was just able to agree with him and then I outlined what was going to happen. Meaning .. you are right, you shouldn't have to be in a car with someone you can't stand to be in the same room with, starting today you will need to make arrangements for your rides to and from work because I am no longer available. When he started back peddling I was just able to say ... no you were right, we shouldn't be in the car together right now because as much as you don't want to be around me I really don't want to be around you either. This is the best option at this point.

Now I recognize that was not a classic "I feel" statement. It worked for me and that was a God thing because that did not come from me in my mind. I couldn't have done that. The key for me was my calm and just the you might be right statements although in my case I said you are right. When he back peddled that's what I went back to. I will say that changed everything in our relationship the balance of power shifted to a more equal ground. He all of a sudden had a clear message things were different in me.

I have never used driving as a power over my AH meaning played the games of I'm not coming to get you. That's just not my MO in this situation. He gave me permission in a weird way not to feel guilty over not driving him AND all of the guilt I felt about the DUI went out the window as well.

I have no idea if that makes sense or not .. however that's what happened that day for me. It just got easier to say .. yes or no to things and mean what I said and I haven't had to mean about it. KWIM?

Thanks for the share P :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your support :) And thanks about the avatar Tommye :) Its a picture I took in Vermont one spring...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Youfoundme, through a few years in recovery, I have gotten better at standing up for myself, but I let it build up still until I scream at people. Before I would let it build up until I was miserable and depressed and literally engaging in self-harm. Not sure if what I have to add will help but I guess what I am saying is don't let a resentment build up cuz if you get to the point of screaming (like this stage of dealing with resentments that I am stuck in), you can't easily turn back. It's easier to deal with people assertively from the get go.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PinkChip :) I am def. going to take everything into consideration, and say things that need to be said after this wedding tomorrow. Let it begin with me.... Thanks

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

YFM,

I have been in business for myself my whole adult life and in the same business for the last 25 years. I am always fair with my customers and will do anything within my ability to please and take care of them. I always try to put myself in their shoes. Sometimes in business as in life things change and people change, we have to adjust our thinking to best take care of ourself, our needs, and financial well being. We have to be fair to others but most important be fair to ourselves. As the program tell us always take care of yourself first. We have all heard the old adage...Business is business. If we allow others to take advantage of us even when we know we are doing the right thing, in the end we have no one to blame but ourselves. We are responsible, and we are the only person who can change or correct situations that have gotten out of hand. Others may not like our decisions especially when it effect them, and in most case it is because they are selfish and thinking only of themselves with no regard or consideration for our feelings. You seem to be dealing with a person that fits part of that describtion.......Do the next right thing for yourself with no second thoughts, guilt, or reseverations. Partnerships are meant to be just that, a partnership, but very few partnerships succeed for numerous reasons. When they are no longer effective and working the way the were originally intended it is in both parties best interest to desolve it. In the end both partners will be better off for it.

HUGS,
RLC

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks RLC :) Great E S & H :) HUGS

rara avis · Senior Member

Hooey I hate having to have conversations like the one you're describing. I am totally not a yeller , but I still get that tingly awful tension that situations like you describe bring on.

What's really helped me is, to plan some sort of 'release', after I know I'll be talking to person X. It usually is exercise - a long walk, a swim, etc..but it could also be screaming into pillow too. Anything. Basically releasing all that stress and tension. Knowing that 'release' is waiting for me has totally helped me stay calm - uh, a lot on the outside, but inside more too - during unpleasant times.

Good luck!
-rara avis

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for that great idea!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know this person is that, just another human. She makes mistakes, is naked sometimes, is sick sometimes, uses the bathroom, sneezes,looks dumb, has green on her teeth,forgets to put make up on both eyes, wears two different colored socks, wears white in December,dribbles her food, burbs, farts all those things we ALL do!

She is NO BETTER THAN YOU ARE. For petes sake, how dare she treat another human so coldly, how dare she complain about an amends, we owe NO explanation, its how you were able to do it, so what??

Is there a law against it? Is she the be all and end all of how things "should" be????

hey for whatever reason you want out. So that is that. I would not make a big deal out of it or explain. It's none of her business. She is not your friend or anyone you want to cont a relationship with. She has proven to not be the kind of person you choose to be around.

There is no reason to argue,never is. I do not argue,ever.I learned NOT to by teaching the best arguers in the world, at risk teenagers! lol

Its simple,when you chance to see her, it's easy to say, Person I am not going to be in business with you any longer. period. Or I am choosing to leave the partnership. No word using You or blame or why. No I feels no nothing. I choose to end the partnership. HER,"40()*&&%&*&@@!!!!*(&^%$%$???()*_&^" YOU, I choose to leave the partnership. period NO arguing, repeat the decision word for word. She will stop when she sees she cannot control you or the situation.

For me it is partly age and experience I suppose. I had to face the principals and Vice Principals. I felt like a kid. I never was in trouble all my life. Everytime it tour me up. was always stupid. I got hurt so much ,(I am over sensitive) I learned I did not like that feeling and told myself hey this is THEIR problem not mine.

So when this co teacher was being a B I said you are NOT my boss, I know what I am doing. Do not interrupt me again! The principal apologised to ME for this B's stepping over the boundaries.

You are sure you want out, you sound strong about it, there is no changing your mind. So stand up straight, take normal deep breaths and be happy you have made a decision and who cares how she responds!!!

I look conflict head on now and like it. What ever made me afraid I don't know. They are just people.

Hope this helps. Sure is freeing and has made my life ever so much better. I am equal and I am intelligent, I do not argue, I am no better or worse. I sneeze, trip, fart, laugh, cry and look stupid in my nightgown robe and levis and big mans slippers and I still like me and bring it on!

hugs honey, if all else fails, call me, put your cell phone thingy in your ear and I will help you! lol love,debilyn if all else fails I will send you this guy in the picture to protect you.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

To answer your question, how to stand up for myself..... I went to LOTS of face to face meetings. It wasn't just about standing up for myself, but about changing myself. I play a part in ALL my relationships. My relationships got better when I learned what I was doing wrong in the first place, I create my reality.

You may need to end the business relationship, it's true. On the spiritual path, it was always the goal to have boundaries, not walls. I actually owed an amends to my sister for building a wall... I wanted nothing to do with her when she .... disappointed me. Black and white thinking.... All or nothing.... this is my dis-ease talking.

The spiritual path is much more gentle. The Maker loves us all equally. Consider that your partner is spiritual sick, she is not a "bad" person, she is fearful.

Take what you like, leave the rest ((my friend))

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn. Love!
Thanks gladlee...

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi yfm! This is a tough situation. Reminds me of the friend / roommate I had to ask to move out. I tried to be as nice and respectful as possible, but setting that boundary cost our friendship. Well, turns out it wasn't the kind of friendship I want, need and deserve. Actually, now I don't miss her. I acted in my own best interest and restored peace to my home and cleared some negativity out of my life. Anyway, my point is that you've put a lot of thought into this and you know what you need to do. It's so hard to be assertive sometimes, but I think it gets easier with practice and our lives get better too. I just make myself speak up now and it's been hard but good. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and support! -doozy

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