"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

New to Alanon, my story

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Greener.... welcome to MIP and to Al-Anon in general.... Your pain & confusion is clear to see.... Al-Anon doesn't find "fault" with you, nor with him.... it's a program where we re-learn how to take care of, and prioritize our needs, which tend to have oftne been forgotten/trampled while living around active addiction....

You are neither a bad person, nor a bad wife - far from it.... I would encourage you to get your hands on a tremendous book - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.... that book helped me tremendously, and will give you an excellent base understanding of what you are dealing with here...

We learn to accept the three C's (you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it), when it comes to HIS alcoholism... What you CAN do, is to choose recovery - for you. You've taken a couple of great first steps thus far, and hope you keep coming back.

Tom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs GreenerGrass,

Welcome, ... I hope you will continue to go to your meetings. This is not your fault. An addict has a disease however A's are still responsible for their choices. In my case I have my own issues of codependency (Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie was a huge break through for me) and other things (it's an on going process .. lol), I am still responsible for my own choices and behaviors. I no longer feel the need to be responsible for my AH's choices and it no longer runs my day. It's all about progress not perfection.

Please keep coming back, Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Greener,

Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you introduced yourself. Your story could have been a carbon copy of mine. I know exactly how you feel as my marriage was in shambles when I walked into the doors of Alanon many years ago. One pamplet that was so helpful to me was "Alcoholism, A Merry Go Round Named Denial" Most face to face meetings have them. Often you can Google it too.

The best choice I ever made was getting a face to face sponsor and working the steps with her. When I went to meetings I would be the one who cried during the whole meeting. When I finally gained the courage to speak in the meeting, I would say, could someone please pass the kleenex because I knew Niagara Falls was coming. One word at a time, one meeting a time the sadness and pain began to leave me. The love, understanding, and acceptance from the member of alanon began to grow in me one day at a time.

In my marriage, I could not give what I did not have. Love, compassion, understanding, and kindness were absent. My marriage was filled with nothing but anger, apathy, and indifference which was so painful. It didnt start off that way, but that is what it was when I was a newcomer. Alanon helped me recognize how I participated in that sickness.

The marriage didnt recover overnight, but it is recovering. I just celebrated my 10th anniversary last week and I am so grateful I am still married. Love, kindness, courtesy, and understanding has returned. We laugh now whereas before nothing was funny, just deadly serious and tense in my home.

In our literature it is suggested that you refrain from making a major decision for six months to one year unless there is abuse. During that time I began working the steps and my life and marriage changed. There is a slogan, "Let It Begin With Me" in the rooms of Alanon. When one person steps off the Merry Go Round and quits spinning, the relationship will change.

In support,

Tommye

rosielee · Senior Member

nobody could hate you becasue weve all been through the same thing. and this is how this sickness gets to yu- you sound like youve lost yourself and i hope al-anon helps you to find yurself again. your feelings are valid and everything you do is ok and understandable to do.
i think that book "getting them sober" sounds great- i havent read it and dont need to- but it sounds like you really need it. in my view you cant control an alcoholic or make them sober- ultimatums dont work- especially when they are very sick.
my mum was drinking a big bottle of vodka a day- she was very- very mentally ill- we begged and pleaded for her to get sober- when she eventually found AA she got sober and didnt look back- no relapses- it was great for her to have the support she needed and to be around people who understood- this can be a very serious illness and they need that specialist support. if your hubby went to AA he would get unconditional support and help.

keep us posted- and message me anytime!!! as well as everyone else-lol

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm planning to attend my first face to face meeting this Tuesday and there is a good chance I'll cry the whole way through. There were times this summer when I was stunned by the hatred my husband seemed to have for me, we'd only been married a few weeks and everything I did was wrong.

Something I've already picked up on in the very very short time that I've been on here is that it's not your fault and you can only change you. I'm planning to attend the face to face meeting because if I have found so much encouragement and support here I can only imagine how much it will help me to go meet with people in person no matter how much the idea of it really does intimidate me.

I've requested the Getting Them Sober volume 1 from my local library and plan to read that as well. So it's possible if you have a library convenient to you they might have the book.

Hugs!!!!

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Greener and welcome. you'll find a lot of warmth and support on these boards. I agree with getting a copy of "Getting Them Sober" - it has helped me a lot. Another thing that has helped me, in addition to Alanon f2f meetings, has been reading Alanon Literature (I just got "Courage to Change" and flip through it every day.
Everything you feel is in line with what it's like to live with an active alcoholic. You in no way are at fault for anything. They try to pour a lot of guilt on us....which is just another way they can deflect attention and having to face their addiction. Try to take care of yourself as best as you can and shift the focus away from his drinking...very, very hard as I know, but look at it as baby steps.
Sending much support,
nyc

rrib · Senior Member

It's good to let go of some of that pent-up emotion.

Don't worry, you're not the 1st person to show up at a 12-step meeting spending the 1st few visits just 'letting it out'. For most of us, it took alot of pain to actaully show up, open the door and take a seat.

There's even a canned phrase for having this emotional release. It's called 'dumping it on the tables'. And out is good. Stuffed down in the dusty corners of my brain is not so good.

Keep coming back. Glad you're here!

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Thanks everybody, I'm just grumpy I guess, and disappointed to be learning that I am at fault for some things (shocking), or responsible for my own happiness. But, maybe its better this way, maybe I will actually be happy now once I am in charge of it. He sure isn't making me happy. I just wish I could shake him out of it, make him see how wrong he is, and then he would change completely, I wish..

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome! Hey let me tell you. I am very nice, gentle, usually happy. Not negative or critical, rarely if ever lose my temper. I liked me.

But after living with my AH I saw me be someone I did not like. I hated it! Its almost impossible to live in he midst of insanity without going insane yourself. Part is when we don't know about addiction we don't realize how very sick the A in our life is. We do not know not to believe a word they say!

We start isolating thereby our only "support" and "mirror" is a crazy person!

Please know we have enough love for you to cancel out all the A's BS.

Mine had me believe I really was crazy. I mean this was afterall the man who loved me!

GG it is NOT you, it is the disease. He is very sick. They get sicker as time goes on. Think about all those drugs or that drug in their body. It tears the body and BRAIN down.retards it, it causes them to get old physically faster. Addicted people feel very guilty for being how they are, they start tearing everyone and everything down around them.

Many leave us becuz they cannot stand to see what they are doing to us, yet do not want to be alone.Many find other partners who are A's like them or are so down beaten they don't care what the A does,its a warm body, another person and they usually hate to be alone.

When we come to Al Anon we learn to stop looking at their stuff, we cannot control it or change it anyway. Most of us did snoop, throw away bottles, go looking for them.Some of us fought back, doing things we would never usually do. I threw things twice. Not much but for me was huge.

Then dong!!! the Al Anon lightbulb,"HEY! I don't have to think about him and his bad stuff anymore! I can go to meetings, read books, go shopping, make good meals and if he gripes who cares. I can work on me to look pretty or just look like i want, I can walk out if he argues. I don't have to say a thing or react! It just does not matter!

I can stuff money away for me and for just in case. I can make an exit plan. If I might like to move away I can plan that too. I do not have to go get him and alcohol, I don't have to do anything for him or her.

I am not crazy, I am not ugly, I am not a B, or a MF or anything the disease calls me.

We can rebuild GG if we choose to. We are here for you.All of us in different stages of endless maturity. And even the most seasoned Al Anoner learns from the greenest newbie!!!

I am glad you found us. I am not just talking when I saw we care, we do. We share our pets, family, ups, downs, fears, experience. sometimes we are sick and come here first to get some support! Or sometimes we have an obstacle we come here to get ideas.

You have found a very precious home! All we are, is our hearts here.

Keep coming!!! After awhile we get so we expect you here so we start duct taping you to a chair! love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Greener, so glad you have found us. I don't look at it as "at fault" and I think that's really not the Al-Anon way. My experience is that generally we've been taking responsibility for things we can't control and not for the things we can. So we often feel we're to blame for their not stopping drinking -- if only we could figure out the right thing to say, or look a little harder for the bottles, or do this or control that, they'd stop. But we don't have that power! We do have the power to make our own lives better. I wouldn't say I'm at fault for not making my life better, but I am responsible for my own happiness, because I do have power over it. Phew! That was a revelation for me! Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe it. I know you may have been sort of poking fun when you said that it was shocking that you might have had a fault (I myself always notice that I simultaneously believe that I'm a horrible failure at everything and that I know how to do everything more perfectly than anybody else smile .) But I just wanted to say that in case you were really tempted to think that you should be blamed for things.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. Debilyn I sure hope I can live like that one day, where I'm happy and don't care what he. Says or does. Sometimes I think I can just be sweet and rise above, and then I end up screming and completely losing my cool. Juk

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

That's why I went to alanon meeting because I really want the frame of mind that you all seem to have. I want to be ok no matter what he does, but I have a long way to go.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs GG,

Trust me when I say we all do, no one has it down pat and no one ever should, because it's progress not perfection. Plus we are constantly evolving anyway as human beings anyway, and it's important to continue to grow emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. The only time the journey really ends is when we cease to be, it's our ride to create and enjoy.

Hugs P :)

Cupcake · Veteran Member

GG,

I felt exactly this way when I started Al-Anon 7 weeks ago. I just wanted the the pain and fear to stop and felt the only way to do that was to break up my marriage. Now 7 weeks on, I realise that for me, that was the insanity talking. I do not want my marriage to break up but I do want to stop the hurt. I can do that and have been doing that in the program. There are people on here who are living with their partners who are a great help as well. In 7 weeks my marriage has gotten better. It's not perfect, is a long way from that but I can see the difference the program is making and that keeps me working at it. No one knows (except HP of course) what will happen in the future but today my marriage is better than yesterday. Thanks to my HP and thanks to Al-Anon and thanks to me.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

You have been given great ESH and the books people have told you about were so eye opening for me when I read them. All I want to add is keep coming back and take care of yourself! Sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"