Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update and classic slip... oh, he'll change!
Post Info TOPIC: Update and classic slip... oh, he'll change!
Doozy


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 288
Date:
Update and classic slip... oh, he'll change!
Permalink  

Well, I haven't created my own post here in quite a while. So I guess I'll make up for it with a post that's super long! Hah!

Overall, I think I'm doing really well and making a lot of progress in my own growth towards a really happy, healthy future. I feel much more relaxed, more peace of mind and confidence, more freedom and acceptance, more compassion, and even slightly more patience.

I have been regularly reading here even if I don't write responses. I really appreciate all of you on this board and your experience, strength, hope, humor, honesty, and acceptance. This board has been a wonderful resource and refuge for me.

I need to get back to the face to face meetings. I want to try out a new group and just need to get over the nervousness/resistance and jump in! I know I need to do this and now I'm telling people so I better just do it! :)

I've been actively working the steps, mostly cycling in 1 through 4, and I've been working with a counselor. I don't yet have a sponsor (I know, I know!) but am hoping that trying out a new group might help me meet someone I feel might work with me.

Something I am really proud of is that I have taken time almost every morning this month just for myself. I live pretty far up north so it gets very dark here and the days are already getting short. It's hard on me and I struggle with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) so last year, I bought one of those full spectrum lights for light therapy. Once I got my bad roommate to move out, I turned her room into a room dedicated just to my own self care - how awesome is that?! I put the light in there, a yoga mat, some music and candles. I've been spending 15 min in front of the light each morning with some nice music and then doing yoga every morning. I take time to pray and practice positive affirmations for myself. It's some of the best self care I've ever done and I love it!

And now, here's my admission.... my exboyfriend came back to me begging to get back together and now I feel like a chump. We had more than 3 years off and on and he's the main qualifier that got me into Alanon. He's still practicing his addictions every single day and not showing any real indication of willingness to work a recovery program. I fell into a classic slip - I have missed him so much, I sooo wanted it to work out, I wanted to believe we could work it out and he'd change. Geez louise....

So we spent a couple weeks talking about things and spending some time together. I felt good at first, practicing my new Alanon tools, clearly communicating my needs. I felt like I was doing pretty good. I think I was and I think he did probably try, but then he nearly cut off contact and I haven't seen him in a week. There's a lot more to it, but that's a summary and it dropped me back into a very sad place with a lot of self doubts and crap like that... I am doing better than ever at dealing with this stuff, but it's still really hard. I feel like a fool. I question his feelings. Does/did he love me or have I been used? Dang.... I didn't want to do that again. I don't know where we stand right now. I told him I'm tired of giving my love and getting so little in return. I think this may be the time I finally give up, accept what it is and move on to find a relationship that can meet my needs.

Okay, progress not perfection. Start again. And this time, I have more wisdom and strength than last time. If it falls apart with him this time, I think it might be time to change my number or block his calls/text msgs...

If you've actually read all this, thank you. It feels good to just get it out. I haven't been really honest with my family and friends since they're all tired of me giving this guy another chance so no one knows how sad I feel about this right now. I'm giving it to God.

~ Doozy



__________________
RLC


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1483
Date:
Permalink  

Doozy,

Nothing wrong with slips in a program that allows you to start over everyday. Don't beat yourself up, recognizing your silp tells you your program is working. But Doozy, your last sentence says it all !!

HUGS,
RLC

__________________

hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Doozy

RLC said it all.  I am glad you shared.  It is so very important to share what is going on, learn the lesson we need from the experience and then grow.  It is hard but knowing we are not alone makes all the difference.

Stay in the day and Keep up that wonderful practice every morning.  



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
Permalink  

do you think he may have seen a change in you and realised that you won't let him be who he was around you anymore?

Perhaps you are doing sooo well, that even he could see you won't be manipulated anymore???

Just a thought



__________________

Linda - a work in progress
Doozy


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 288
Date:
Permalink  

Aw, thanks you guys! This means a lot to me :)

__________________
flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 662
Date:
Permalink  

It sounds like you are doing great. Don't beat yourself up and know that you are worth it! Sending you love and support!

__________________

 

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Sounds like you made choices as you needed to learn more and you did.

I don't call this a slip. I call it life. Just cuz ya fall off a bike does not mean ya failed at learning to ride one!

Do they love? It is my firm belief a person who is actively using drugs cannot love. At least in the way I believe it is.

Love is long suffering and kind, it forgives, does not keep account of injury,puts others before itself.

I don't believe a healthy love is possible with an A. who is not on a program of recovery. If one does not love who they are, they cannot love others.

MY experience. That does not mean he does not love as much as he can. But he is sick, his whole body is basically pickled. Nothing works as intended.

Whats important is how you feel. Does no good to be hard on ourselves. Of course you wanted love from him. Many of us are very vulinerable. I would love to feel cared about. If we are starving for attention, its hard to say no!

hugs! love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
rosielee


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 358
Date:
Permalink  

oh Doozy- you chump xxxxx (affectionally said) sending you some strength and resolve. yu are way- way- way better off on your own than going through this. even though you yearn for him- it might be because you are yearning for SOMEBODY...know what i mean>? if a knight in shining armour came along...you wouldnt hesitate to get on that horse really would you? i am on my own- and i MUCH prefer it to having my head messed with. xx

__________________
rosie
rosielee


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 358
Date:
Permalink  

you know what i say now- after going through the same thing (weve ALL been chumps on this board im sure) i say "come back to me when youve been clean minimum of 6 months" and its funny. because it deals with the problem real quick- you find they dont come back- because that means putting real work in- and they dont want to.

__________________
rosie
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs Doozy,

Great share and not a slip a large step in growth. It's interesting how when the pieces of the puzzle fit they just fit there is no forcing it. You'll know what you need to do if you need to do it.

Hugs P :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1558
Date:
Permalink  

((((((((((((((((Doozy))))))))))))))))))

Way to Work Your Program

Funny How You See this as a Slip and I See it as Huge Growth... You Set Boundry's, You Spoke Up and let your Feelings out, and wether He responded the way you thought or hoped well... the Main thing is You Did it, For you, You Stood UP and said... XYZ.... Thats Progress...

I too Feel I Slip Quite Often, I don't live with my "Initial" Qualifer for he is in Heaven now and he was My Afather... But I Also Fight the Disease Myself, so I know a Little about the Otherside as well... I know for ME when I Drank it was Souly to NUMB any part of my being because I Never Felt "Good Enough" to deserve anything better then the road that was laid before me in this disease... I Used it to Ignore, and Block the Love that was around me, because I Felt So Low about myself, that I again didn't feel Worthy of... Truth be told I was dealt a pretty Ugly Hand early on in my life, but Truth be known... I Can no longer Blame or Point BACK and Say... I Do this because of That... Al-Anon taught me that...

It has Taking me almost 3 years in Al-Anon to be able to Say, "I am Worthy of Love & Loving"... And Be Comfortable with it... Its a Tough Disease, and I Don't live in your situation, so only You know what you want in your life, and what you need.. For Me! My Afather lived one mile from my home, and when they Found him, I Could Never see him again... Al-Anon Showed me that I did the Best I Could Do, and helped me Release Some of My Guilt that Wasn't Mine to Own..I Did not Make the Choices For My Afather... He Did, and I Couldn't by No Means Change Him to the Man I had Wished him to Be. The Fantsy Father that I Had Invisioned in my Mind, and Made up to Feel Safe & Secure .... But it Also Showed me Who I Did Not Want to become, and How I Needed to Change My Life, & My Way of thinking in order to Save Myself From this Disease....

The Best thing I Did for Myself was Educate myself on the Disease of Alcoholism & Addiction... The More I Know the Better It Helps Me Understand the Ups & Downs of the Disease, and How it Helps me apply "Goodness" to my Life... This Road is Not an Easy one, but what I have Gained in the Journey is Something I have Never Regretted... Al-Anon Helped Me Ask ME, the Hard Questions... Like: Who Am I? What do I Want Out of Life? What are My Dreams? Where do I want My Life to Lead? and What Will I Settle for & What Will I NOT?

Please take what you like and Leave the Rest... I'm Grateful for your Share, and Your Honesty, When i Come Here & Read a Story such as Yours... I See that my Struggles too are Just about Dusting Off, Grabbin those Boot straps, hikin Up and Getting back to Living for Me! Not My Qualifiers... Its Not Selfish... Its Self deserving...& I Am Worth it... As Are YOU :0)

Sending Love, Hugs & Prayers

Friends In Recovery....

Jozie

__________________

Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1594
Date:
Permalink  

Doozy,

I loved the replies to your post so far.  Something came to mind while reading.  Perhaps you can bring someone with you to the new meeting so it will be more comfortable. 

Best,

T



__________________
Doozy


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 288
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the support and perspectives. I guess I considered it a slip because I really wanted to keep my distance from him until he could show me with actions and not just words that he was serious about making an effort. But I'm okay with it. I guess I needed to learn some more from this. Deb, thanks for what you said. I do think he loves me as much as he probably can, but that he can't really love anyone or even himself in the state that he's in. I need to just accept that. Thanks again all.

__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

It's hard when someone has many elements of being "the person who would be right" for you. Unfortunately, there are too many red flags. Those red flags are your boundaries that come from hard lessons learned over time and the program you have been working.

I do want to say that there is such a person out there that meets your needs and does not have all the red flags but the need to find him TODAY is not so urgent, and also the time you waste by going back to the ex (who definitely does have the red flags) just wastes time that is better spent healing (on self-improvement) or actually doing things that will put you in contact with that person who is better suited for you.

Of course you seem to know much of this already and it is Alanon that is teaching you this. I like your post and it does show growth.

Mark

__________________
glad lee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1235
Date:
Permalink  

Awesome share about the behavior we all know so well!! We're not going to stop until we're ready to stop, until we decide we've been hurt enough and we need to STOP putting our hand on the hot stove. For me, it happened more than once, it happened many times... I ALWAYS forgot the pain and humiliation of the last time.

I also agree that he may not recognize you anymore. I believe, once I started recovery, my husband had "no use" for me anymore... an alcoholic needs enablers... and I was not THAT anymore, I changed.

Personally, I don't look at slips as mistakes, rather a lesson. That whole experience helps us to become a more understanding human being.... you will use this experience to help others. Our experiences have value, that's how I see it.


When it comes to believing there's someone out there who will finally... ultimately.... eventually meet my precious needs... I must say this..... that is a fantasy. It's also a selfish self-centered idea, in my opinion. (not that I didn't have it too, believe me!!) INSTEAD, the program directed me to BE the person Higher power wants me to be by practicing these principles in all my affairs... to give MYSELF all the things that I wanted in a relationship.... THEN, the other things fall into place, like the relationship, the job, etc. I was taught that I can't get the cart ahead of the horse... because it doesn't work.

It was the opposite of what I wanted to do, I was inclined to focus on what FEELS good... "heck, relationships feel good," was kind of my old thinking. Through practicing the steps, I learned that I have an addiction to emotions... and I had to allow a Power greater than myself do my thinking for me... I grabbed onto the fellowship, the steps and my HP with everything I had. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired....I had to practice something different, not follow my natural inclinations anymore.

Your post was a great inspiration today, you painted a lovely picture of the "place" you carved out for yourself, it sounds wonderful! I wish you all the best in your recovery.



__________________

The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update and classic slip... oh, he'll change!