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so i met my x at the park with our daughter for her first visit .. it's hard .. first off i just have to say .. he looks good .. dressed nice .. happier .. and honestly and .. hurtfully speaking, he looks happier than he ever did with me .. yet i still have feelings for him .. it was hard, sad .. yet i was unexpectedly happy to be with him .. had a stupid smile on my face that wouldn't go but again i felt that familiar excitement rush through me as if i had life around me .. half of me wanted to jump in his arms .. and the other half wanted to smack him for showing up in a new jacket that looked good and a baby blue (not his color) football helmet for his antenna .. honestly though in as much as i felt good around him, it doesn't compare lately to the serenity i feel in meetings .. and yet .. it's there .. i still want him in my life and am feeling the powerlessness of not being able to have him .. man that sucks Literally .. and yet i can hear God speaking .. when i made a decision to turn my life and my will over to him .. i didn't just choose the good .. i chose to go through the pain .. the darkness .. and whatever comes my way in order to reach the other side of this to find the light ..
i came home to my mom's .. she had seen him .. she said after .. he looks better than he ever used to .. i just smiled and said yep .. felt myself lose and inch in height though as i thought it must be because i'm gone ..
my logic knows he's going to be happier if he has access to what makes him happier .. basically sex, drugs, alcohol, more money, etc.. now that he doesn't have as many family expenses at the moment .. but somehow my thoughts turn to my higher power .. as if to say to him .. oh what .. now He's going to run off and have this great life ?? this is so insanity .. his life is not great .. maybe in his mind .. <-- just hit a chord because in his mind it just might be .. his mind that i know from my own personal experience is filled with denial .. influence, etc.. distorted thinking just like the rest of us .. unfortunately ours can clear .. his can't if it remains in the dark and grows .. i guess his great life is still in my mind too .. truthfully? i really have no idea ..
(as i reread the above post (typing this after reading) i'm leaving it because i also read my own excuse making to possibly ? feed my own denial to make myself "Feel better ? maybe he's just happier .. maybe this was better for him to leave .. maybe it just really was what he wanted .. it's hard to watch my fantasies shatter as i admit what just might be the truth also .. )
thanks for letting me share again though .. please be patient .. this really hurts .. even if i am in self pity mode .. ?? not sure if it's self pity or it's just real grieving .. over real losses .. this is all still pretty fresh ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Thursday 20th of October 2011 05:07:25 PM
just want to touch on the above .. this is part of the hurt .. the idea he owes me no explanations anymore .. he's free to do what he wants .. free to date who he chooses .. free to walk away .. leave girl things in his car .. show up with lipstick on his shirt should he choose and it's none of my business in truth .. it's hard to accept this .. my lack of control .. just to clarify i do recognize this too although i hate it .. want to push it out of my head but it's real .. i don't want to be in a fog through this .. i could do the same if i chose but just don't have it in me .. now isn't a time for a relationship for me .. it's a time to grieve and heal .. very hard ..
I can totally understand how hard this is I watched someone near and dear to me struggle with this same issue. First of a few things, .. you are entitled to grieve .. you lost a very important person even if the relationship wasn't healthy he's still the father of your child. He is always going to hold a place in your heart. Well let me rephrase that .. I know my AH regardless of what happens will be the love of my life, because we have children together, he has a bigger piece of my heart because we were blessed together with our kids. (this is my truth of my relationship with my AH).
His addiction of choice whatever it is ... not your fault. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you won't cure it. It's a known fact until an addict gets help it's a progressive disease. He is going to continue to hurt himself. So sure .. he looks good now. Picture him as a beautiful tree with lots of flowers and lots of beautiful fruit. As you spend more time around that tree the real stuff starts coming out. The flower fall off the, fruit falls to the ground and rots and the leaves fall off the tree. Eventually the tree doesn't look so good. The tree always has potential to be a beautiful tree, however he has to be the one to trim the tree, water it and make it flourish. Only he can make the outside match the inside.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. That I hear how much you hurt and how real it is, pain is pain. He's not looking better because you are no longer in his life .. he's just been able to shift the focus and deflect what the real issues are and the real issue is he's got an illness that he needs help with and no matter how you wrap the package once it's out it's there and it's real.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Big Hug to you. I know that was tough. It is VERY hard to see someone you had a relationship thrive after they are no longer with you - or at least have the appearance of thriving. It will get easier. There's no timetable to that but it will. I'm the last person to say this because I have a hard time practicing it myself. Focus on you and your progress and be happy for him... the more you are - the easier it will get. I hope so anyway.
I feel for you.. when I see my ex I see him in a new car, looking happy and I hate it.
What I have thought is this... when we were together, we were creating a toxic environment. We were suffocating each other.
A beautiful flower, in a wonderful pot plant is lovely. Add a hot room, not much oxygen, not enough water, and not enough nutrients.. just enough to keep it living and to flower... what happens to that beautiful plant? it is not as beautiful as it could be in a different place.
Now, move the plant out of that environment, you are still tending the plant, but it florishes... it grows another spurt, it flowers more... not because of you, but of where you put the flower.. in the best place to grow for th eflower
It may not be the absence of you that makes him better, it may not the absence of him that makes you feel better.. it is the change in the environment for both of you.
