The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, I've learned a lot in the past couple of months. I've got a long way to go. I've shared my turmoils in my marriage.
The other day I told my husband I could not be the wife HE wanted me to be, be the best mother I can be and take care of me all at the same time. I just don't have the energy. When he gets hurt he lashes out like a kid. He said some hurtful things about people I care about and stormed out coming back in with the house key and garage door opener and plopped them on the counter and left. He loves the drama. He knows it triggers me. But at that moment I didn't move. I didn't run after him. I let him leave. I did however cry heavily and bang the back of my head against the wall (too hard... stupid).
Within 2 hours he was asking me "is this really it??" I didn't bite. The next morning I told him I no longer saw his love for me - he was just wrapped up in being right and not getting what he wanted. He continued to ask me for another chance all day. My counselor had even said to me a trial at this point may just help me bring closure and know for sure.
I agreed today to a trial - something in me just isn't ready to close the door. I don't know if it's what I've learned about me in the past couple of months that I want to try and see how the relationship would be with my newly learned skills/perspective or what. I want to stop some of the destructive behavior that I was responsible for and see if it makes a difference - without sacrificing myself.
A part of me feels like I just gave in - again. At least it is just a trial and all I can do is take it day by day and see if I see any differences.
(((amills))) Yep, day by day is the way to go. It's so hard, and so sad to be in such a situation. But you're doing good. If you agree to a trial, don't look at it as giving in. Try to look at it as a choice you're making for yourself. Whatever you decide to do, put those new skills of yours to work and see what happens. TCOYF (and your kids).
If you aren't ready you aren't ready, you have a good attitude to look at this one day at a time and see how it fits.
When my AH got this past DUI ... I really did not know if I wanted to keep trying. When I asked him to leave for a couple of weeks I was a whole other woman, and I got a taste of life without the chaos of the anti depressants, without the alcohol. I wasn't well and I knew that deep down. I had so much anger going on. Like you I wasn't ready yet to say ok I'm completely done. What I can say is today, I feel good about the decision I made to continue to try. I have a safe place I can work on myself and see what the changes my life will be, I find that I compromise myself less. I don't know if that makes sense or not, I'm not talking about being selfish in the sense of I get what I want and forget everyone else, I'm talking about going to my meetings, doing things for myself that give me pleasure without the guilt of oh I really shouldn't. That's what I have to keep my focus on is on me and my mental health. Today, it is was the right choice for me. I also see the changes in my AH for the better. He is changing because I'm changing, what those changes for him mean I don't know. I do know we have a LOT more fun together than we did last year this time. We are good together. Some of it was I forgot how good we are together. I know I try to focus on the positive while living in reality of loving an addict.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for your Share, I too can Relate to the "One more Try"... and I Love... One Day at a Time... That is All that I am Giving.. I like that No one but me can tell me what is Right for me and My Situation... I don't always make the Right decissions, but I do try to Cover my tracks and make amends for the ones "I See" thru my Eyes... I'm sure there are Plenty more, and maybe i am In Denial about Some of them as well... But ... I Haven't given up on Me, or them for the time being...
Something that has Helped me Tramendously was "Boundrys"... and the Fun thing about them is I don't have to "Tell" the A in my Life What My Boundry's Are... I Set them In My Mind & Heart, and if they Cross them or attemp to, I then Back them Up and say.. "I Refuse to be treated this way" (As Kindly as Possible works best for me) and I let them to their Own Temper Tantrum... I can't Fix them only Me... And Boundry's helped me a TON With this Kinda thing... Some I did say Out Loud so as they would know that there were For Sure things I Would Not tolerate, Yelling, Acting out and what not, but I still Kept Some to myself, and Just Knew when it was My Turn to Exit...
When I got to a place were I could "Detach" ME from Their Issues, and Realized that Their Disease was Not Mine to Claim... I found myself in alot better Place...
Here we do not hand out Advise, so for me what works the best is that I "Keep Coming Back" and I Keep Taking Care of Me & My Needs... I don't know you Personally, but if there are F2F meetings in your Area, I hope that you find one... They Too have been a Huge Blessing in my Recovery... I LOVE MIP, but I also Enjoy seeing People Just like Me, and gettin those Hugs when I Come & When I Leave... But that again... Is Just Me...
I can relate to your posts; also being separated with a child, and very, very unsure about what/how to feel about my AH. I understand the feeling of not being ready to close the door...you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, or about giving it another try. I am newly separated and my AH is still in very, very early recovery (if I can call it that, being chemically sober isn't the same as being really sober), and all I want to do is not feel, not decide, not have to do anything but focus on my recovery. Not helping is that my well-meaning but controlling family is asking for assurances every day that I will never get back with AH. As if doing so will sway me. If anything it only interrupts the peace I've been trying to find. Anyway, I digress - but my point is, please don't feel bad about yourself or as if you've given in. Closure is important - and maybe this will give you that (regardless of whether you end up staying with him or not). Hang in there and be good to yourself! Sending you support,
