its hard to communicate with a BPD person - Al-Anon Family Group

rosielee · Senior Member

its hard to communicate with a BPD person

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You know your mom has serious issues. Why even still wonder if it's you? I partially know the answer to that...cuz it's your mom and you were raised up in these patterns. But the adult you knows she has issues and how they get played out.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Idon't know about your Mum, but I know when I am upset, I find things to pick on.

If I am feeling bad about anything (sometimes just being awake makes me feel bad), I have to find something to take that feeling away, or just to fill the space that is hurting.

For me, I pick on the house. The state that it is in. If my husband is around, he will get my stomping around and swearing at the mess this house is, its like a bomb has gone off, who would ever want to live in a house like this... look at all the work that has to be done, the yard is terrible, so much gardening and you know I can't do it with my skin, so that has to be your job you know (husband), but ohhh nnooo you won't do it will you, you would rather be off fishing, your boat is more important you can work on that for hours but not do anything for me (you get the picture)

and the tyrade would continue until I got a scrubbing brush and scrubbed, or sometimes, literally started to clean the ceiling and the walls. It woudl take me a few hours to calm down from nothing.... and guess what... mornings are the worse for it.

Only very recently, have I identified this. Only in the last 6 months have I thought to identify it AT THE TIME IT IS HAPPENING and do soemthing about it. Al Anon has helped wiht that also.

I am usually angry at soemthing in my past. Something has triggered these thought patterns that nothing is good enough, I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH and the automated tapes start to go. Sometimes I don't know what I am angry at.

I will get to my point..... perhaps, just maybe, your Mum may think this way too. If her house is spotless or perfect in her mind, she has to find something else to pick on. Your house will do. If it wasn't your house it would be somebody elses house.

Your house will always have something to pick on no matter if it is absolutely 'Home and Garden' beautiful, because she NEEDS something to fill that void inside. Sorry I shouldn't say that.... I am guessing, that if she perhaps may feel anything like I do most days..... I NEED something to fill that void.

I am not sure if I am making sense at all. I could just say "I hear ya" but I more so "I hear ME" (and trust me, it is a scarey thing to hear).

I am just offering an alternate view I guess. And I suppose facing up to my demons a little more.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Doesn't matter why she does it. What matters is why do you put up with it? What is it about you that boundaries are not made?

I tell people please call before you come to see me. For one it scares me if someone is at my door. The gate is locked so I think it has to be something wrong.

I have animals. I don't like people to just drop over as i always make a plan how to keep the dogs put in one place so they won't maul someone with kisses. (c:

It's so hard for me to relate. I was so blessed. My mother never would dare say any of those things. I would not to her either.

All I know is i love that quote I learned here. "We teach others how to treat us." It's true.It is up to us to make the boundaries and consquences. Mom if you call and I don't answer then you come over, I will not answer the door. period. is a boundary.

good vent! love,deb

rosielee · Senior Member

thanks for the replies folks- i love y-all for it

i have to say- i jumped the gun a bit- i found that she left some homemade soup outside. it was a real sweet thing to do

I do set Boundaries- believe me- shes not allowed to be overtly negative- too picky and verbal abuse is totall and utterly not acceptable. but its really hard when its your mum to lay the law down on things- shes not really the submissive type.
my main aim is to get communicating better.

i think when i posted this- i was feeling the guilt of her sickness on my shoulders - like ive been doing it all my life- i dont know if its a thing you can stop-

well anyway folks...im ok today..i feel ok with the world. i feel like- even though my mum does annoying things- she is turning a corner. the home made soup was a good and positive thing to do- shes not relying on manipulation or bullying tactics- she just did a simple nice thing. there is hope

its important to remember that with bpd- things are done before they even know they are doing it- and they feel like a good idea at the time..lol
i am even like it myself. and BPD can be handed down....ill go on a forum and say things- and particularly ill send a message to someone- ramble away and think its a good idea- the next day i think...why did i do that? and i do keep on doing it!! and when i post on a forum i get annoyed if i am not the centre of attention and i dont get many replies...lol but at least im trying to be aware. and i know i am not nearly as bad as my mum.
thanks for your replies

rosielee · Senior Member

oh and lindaoakford...i know why she does it.....but the fact she still does it is annying- but thats why BPD is so hard to wrk with i guess if they are not in therapy. i think also she sees people like myself and my sister living quite normal lives without BPD etc and it rattles and she wants to bring us down- and thats where the nit picking comes in- of course its wrong and i try not to accept it- trust me folks- a few months ago i outright called her a bully. thats something i have never said- as its the truth- and the truth stings like mad- but she got worse! and if it wasnt for her age i would have kicked her out of the car and she wuld have been stranded. but i think that was just a really bad mental health day for her.

other times ive talkd to her like she does me- one day i told her that her hair looked dry and like straw and that her coat was like a carpet on her back (true- it was- but i dont say it) but this kind of thing doesnt work as a tactic. but trust me folks- with the big stuff i have set boundarys. its just the little stuff- and this is where i could do with professinal help really- what should i be expecting of her- and what shuld i give her lee way for- as i truly dont know.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

There are several websites and forums for family and friends of people living with BPD.

Just google, it is like this forum but with a slightly different focus.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.