The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been becoming more aware of a friendship that is not supportive to me anymore. I have tried and tried to stay in it but no longer can stand the blindness. Her and I would go to starbucks coffee together and she would douse me with her problems and I had no room for me at all. Her husband is breaking the law very bad. I guess I don't need to justify this here. I know I am suppost to focus on me. This is what happened.
We had planned on going to starbucks tomarrow for coffee but she ended up being online tonight so we started chatting. I really felt it was a good time to speak my truth. I just can't live my life "playing pretend" anymore.
She started off being a little short with me and passive aggressive and so I thought that was the perfect opportunity to share with her about how I was feeling about the relationship. She said she was feeling a little distance too but thought it would just go away when we had more time. She acknowleged that her husband has been very weird lately due to his medication changes ect... I really tried to focus on what I needed. That was so hard because it is so easy to tell others what they have done yadda yadda yadda. I told her that I had been thinking about all of the really good times we have had together over the years but lately it has not been that way for me. I told her that it seemed like the seasons had changed and it was more of a hybernating season. I told her that I was sorry that this hurts and dissapoints her (I was giving her validation). She wanted to know why I was saying these things and what did she do but I decided not to go into that stuff because it would just put her on the defence and I was just trying to focus on what I needed. I told her that maybe we could re connect down the road again. She handled it well but I am sure she is furious.
What do you think guys? I feel like it was good to just clearly state where I am at. I said that too. I said "This is where I am at" Now that is NOT a codependant statement is it?! :) I know from the past when telling disfunctional people about there disfunction rarely helps. It only gives them ammunition to fight back with. I just don't believe she wants to change. I know it can be scary to confront our own stuff. I just have to choose health in my life now. I can't go back. I hope I didn't hurt her too bad. What do you all thinK? Was this a good way to handle this situation? I am really worried about how she is feeling right now and if I handled it right.
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It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
I feel you handled it beautifully. I have in the past had to set boundaries with friends in my life whom I thought I would just die if I didnt have them around. They knew me inside and out. When I started on my journey to recovery I soon realized that I needed to set boundaries. The relationships were no longer comfortable. I used strong statements keeping the focus on me - what I needed from the friendships just like you did. Of course the diversions in the conversation occurred. Using the tools of the program helped me keep the conversation on track. It has been many years now since I have set those boundaries. The friendships were not healthy. My HP has put people in my life that feed my soul, it is a two way street.
Good job on acting in your own best interest. I remember how uncomfortable that can be with friends that were close at one point. I keep in mind that God doesnt shut a door without another opening.
Congratulations! I think what you've done is a giant step in the right direction.
7 years ago, I did nearly the exact same thing. Told a friend I loved her and valued our history together, but that I could not participate in an unhealthy realtionship. It went very badly for a while, but that was due to her having been engaged to my (at the time) boyfriend's brother. She was exceedingly defensive, and brought his family into it. It wrought havoc on our relationship - and three years later it ended our engagement.
My sense would be that you've stated your boundaries and needs, LOVINGLY, and all you need to do now is give it to your higher power. You have your own life, and can take as much space and time as you need/want.
Really, good for you! Your motivations are genuine.
Lotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I wanted to say hello and let you know that I've been through something similar, probably posted about it a month or two ago. Had to ask a friend to move out and it cost the friendship, but it turns out the friendship wasn't apparently much to begin with. It hurt and gave me a lot to think about, but I feel it really was for the best. I want to invest in relationships that make me feel good about myself and help me grow. I want to avoid people who always take more than they give and who make me feel bad about myself.
It sounds to me like you handled your situation really well and with kindness and compassion. I'm early in this whole recovery process and have found that many of my relationships are changing and I'm looking at my friendships in very different ways now that I'm finally really paying attention to what I need and what my instincts tell me. You probably have good reasons for what you did, and maybe the two of you really will reconnect later in a healthy happy way. Be gentle with yourself!
Welcome and hello, thank you for the share. :) I've been on the edge of a few friendships recently and your post has given me pause to how you chose to handle it. You have a lot of grace and kindness. Thank you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
