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my daughter's dad and i begin visitation tomorrow .. I'm sick with the idea of seeing him .. sick because i'm in that frame of mine where if i feel something it should still be .. it would be so much easier if i had absolutely no feelings left for him but i'm powerless over the effects .. it hurts to see him and i just end up back in the illusion of where i think i want him back .. but he's a package deal .. can't have him without all the criticisms, lies, chaos and heartaches ..
if i'm honest with myself .. my biggest problem is my own Ego .. hate that i can't control this .. even in me .. the way i feel .. hate that i can't be the center of his attention, etc.. i miss the attention i think most of all .. and of course envious of the person he's seeing now .. even though i know better her than me at this point .. I'm also seeing alot of shame in me where i'm thinking if he sees i still miss him, then surely there's something wrong with me .. such sick thinking ..
i say i miss him though and the second i even see him .. i begin to switch to instant anger .. reactions .. etc.. no matter what i tell myself or how nice i tell myself i think i'll be .. always reactions ..
as if that's not bad enough i also tell myself deep down he still wants, loves me .. but the reality of that illusion of love is he wants loves needs his instant fixes and legal alternative drugs at this point ..
alcoholism has stolen so much of my life .. i know my happiness is much more evident with him gone than around but yet it hurts ..
thanks for letting me share .. just hard for me to look him in the eye .. for some reason i also feel like if he doesn't love me anymore, i shouldn't love him either .. crazy sometimes .. with my all or nothing thinking it would be much easier to never see him again but with a daughter involved nothing i can do ..
anyway .. any esh would be so much appreciated .. insight in general .. thanks again ..
For me illusions and reality were in a tug of war. What I wanted in my heart and what I saw with my eyes were as different as daylight and dark. With the program I was able to seperate the illusion I wanted from the reality that nothing changes when nothing changes. It was a hard pill to swallow but I had to change. I had to have acceptance. I had to do it for me because the roller coaster ride was making my life unmanageagle. I couldn't make somebody want what I wanted. Again acceptance, controling the only person I have control over, and finally letting go of the illusion that was never reality. The program helped me see with a different set of eyes.
Boy can I relate to all of what you are saying here.
For me, I lived that tug of war for many years. It was so confusing to organize what I was feeling for my exaH. You've done a good job of identifying it and explaining it and I am sure you are better for it.
I remember watching a movie about a year ago and a woman struggling through divorce said "...but I LOVE him..." and her friend said, "...so LOVE him. Offer him love and light and move forward." It was at that moment that I realized that I can love my exaH still and still proceed with the divorce and living my own separate life. I knew he wasn't good for me. I knew that my life with him was chaotic and stressful. And, I still loved him. I didn't know how to move on and still love him. I didn't know how to NOT love him and I was waiting for it to go away.
My love for him is very different now than ever before. It's still. It's peaceful. It's unconditional. It's silent. It's about ME not him.
Beyond that, I am also learning that how someone feels about me, has to do with THEM not me and I don't take it as personally anymore. As long as I am doing and being the best I can do and be, what someone else decides to feel about me, I don't find has a lot to do with me anyway. I am learning that I don't need the approval of others (of anyone) to feel right and good about myself. If who I am doesn't work for someone else, I figure, maybe it's because of THEM, not because of ME. This is something new for me and my life, formerly I always sought out others approval and if I didn't have it, I figured there was something wrong with me.
I hope your visit goes well and despite what you think, there is "non-reactiveness" available to us all, ready and waiting to be the chosen response. :)
When I was new to the program, I had no control over my reactions to my AH. As soon as he came into the door from work, it was as if my mouth was attached to the door knob. It wouldnt matter what mood he was in, I was always prepared for a fight. When the lock on the door squeeked, my body immediately tensed. I believe my oldest son who was 1 at the time felt this too as he would have a meltdown as his parents were sacrificing themselves in battle that no one wins.
Getting a face to face sponsor in Alanon, going to meetings, and working the steps helped me find out how to detach with love. You see, reading about detachment with love in a book is nice, how to take action using detachment was very difficult and hard to maintain. It was so helpful to work with my sponsor to show me how.
One of my favorite lines in our literature that spoke to me when I was new is from Courage to Change, pp 267 "If I am always reacting, I am never free". At moment I realized I wanted to break free and find a sense of emotional independance from the alcoholic. One day at a time, one moment at a time, it works if you work it.
In support,
Tommye
-- Edited by tommyecat on Thursday 20th of October 2011 08:33:27 AM
Just a virtual hug to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending love and support. The best I've got is feelings aren't facts and they change. What we really feel isn't for the reasons we think it is. I don't know if that makes sense or not. You've got great awareness about yourself just remember to be gentle with yourself.
In support, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka .. thank you .. yes that makes sense .. I'm thinking as I read that, that it's Really my thinking that trips me up .. Not my feelings and i really can get stuck in thinking through feelings rather than the wisdom of this program or the logic etc ..
I'm posting a whole nother share on my visit today but yes .. it's my feelings right now i'm in .. thinking because I feel like his life is Much better now .. it must be .. (without me) .. the hard part if i'm honest is that i do know though that i also affected him in this relationship .. when the 2 of us came together we just got sicker .. funny in a meeting this week i shared on how it jumped out at me the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or "friend .. how many friends have i looked at through the years while thinking .. i wonder if You've been affected by alcoholisms and then it hit me .. lightbulb .. oh .. yeah .. i'm your friend .. (qualifier) .. it's one day at a time .. painful it is .. hope you all can be patient with me while i share yet another while it's fresh in me ..
thanks so much to everyone who shared this morning .. you each shared something that helped me and i am truly grateful ..
