Well just got off the phone with my mom.  She is the alcoholic in denial in my life and has been one most of my life.  Her mom died at 39 from alcohol and painkillers - her body just wasted away.  My mom has never admitted to that. She lied to us about how she died.  I ordered the death certificate when I was having health problems myself.  I wanted to know the truth.  It clearly stated that she died to "wasting - do to alcoholism" - meaning her body just ate itself.

My mom has all sorts of health problems and continues to drink heavily in the evenings and is hungover every morning.  She used to be a beautiful woman but the alcohol has destroyed her.  She is in total denial.  When a doctor confronts her about her drinking she finds a reason to switch doctors and then lies to them. 

She just called and told me she has to have surgery next week. One carotid artery is 50% blocked and the other is 70% blocked.  Last year they were only 0% and 50% so her health is deteriorating fast.

I feel guilty for having little sympathy for her.  I've even had dreams of it being easier if she just died and then I feel like such a hateful daughter.  I haven't confronted her about her drinking since I was a teenager - I was smart and realized it would do no good. She is quite functional which makes it that much more difficult.

Two years ago she fell in the middle of the night and split her head open.  Of course she said there was water on the floor. BS - she was smashed.

I pray for her to find some peace but I have little love for her.  She was never there for me as a child - she didn't know how to be. My upbringing definitely has had a direct effect on how unsuccessful I've been in relationships.

I thank my HP that I've found alanon - maybe - just maybe - I won't pass these bad issues on to my daughter.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far.  Hopefully my work here will only make it better.