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My inlaws will be coming into town for the holidays. They stay for several weeks (not with us--they have a place of their own).
I don't know whether I should talk with them about my AH. We are at the point where it feels like AH's disease is increasing exponentially each day. My therapist (specializes in addicition) says in AH's decisions at home, it is probably 100% of the alcoholism talking now. Somedays I feel like I am the only one who sees his addiction. AH can be nasty and hateful, slurring his words, and swaying in the hallway, then pick up the telephone and talk to a business associate in a completely normal voice. It is a baffling disease.
Because my AH can still cover his disease for short periods of time, I wonder if I should say anything to his parents. Will they see the change?
If I am really honest with myself (thank you 4th Step), I want to slap my inlaws out of their denial so they will see AH's addiction. Yet, I am not responsible for anyone else's denial.
Maybe the question should be: Will my inlaws see the change in ME? Because I have changed--exponentially. If they see the change in me and ask why, it is an opening to sharing my Al-Anon experience, strength and hope. If they see the change in me, it may open to door to them seeing the change in AH.
Good Morning Very Very Tired. I can relate with the whole in-laws and denial. I wanted to slap mine with all kinds of my truth at different times and I did at times before Al-anon. I can say it never made things better for me or any of our relationships. It was me in my spiral trying to fix still. I am glad you are working your step 4, it is a great step and I am working through it with my sponsor currently. Your in-laws may or may not see the changes in you. Try to remember what people think of you is none of your business, I almost killed myself trying to look like the best Mother/Wife/Friend and etc..... it is exhausting and now the only person I want to be pleasing to is my HP and myself. I am practicing self care and turning things over that I can't control and that is a lot, unlike I used to think, but I am not near as tired now either. Give from your overflow and not your reserves. Keep taking care of yourself! Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
This is totally my two cents so please take what you like or take nothing, .. it's all free anyway and it only cost me my two cents. :)
I was JUST having this conversation with someone else today on a non alanon related subject. The reality is people can show their own booties I don't need to point out. IF they (family members, other people, whomever) don't see the "what, why" they see something that makes them feel uncomfortable. I do not have to point the finger out only because then there are three pointing back at me. My silence speaks louder than any words I could speak.
What people DO notice about me is the changes I have made in myself. So that is the crux of it. If I am not reacting to what is going on around me and carrying myself with the best integrity I can carry through out my day, who is going to really show their behinds? Not me, I know my own truth, I know where I am at, I know what my program is, .. that is not to say during the visit I wouldn't get angry, frustrated, wonder why can't they see what I see, or if they do see why won't they say something already. It's meeting time at that point. I'm just minding my side of the street, working on my program and holding myself with integrity and my HP will do whatever unveiling needs to happen. Even now if someone comes to me with a question about my AH I tend to say, if you want to know you need to talk to him it's not my place to share his business. How he acts is how he acts, HE has to be responsible for his own actions it is not on me. Again I only need to be responsible for me.
Now .. LOL .. someone else please come in and say this all in one sentence .. LOL!!
Hugs and in support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes.... motive. I have to ask myself this every time.
In your own words, you want to change THEM, you want them out of denial. But what will that do really?? They are as powerless over alcoholism as you are. They, too, did not cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
Surrender ((my friend)) Take care of yourself by finding a new focus. I know for me, when I stopped living in the problem and began living in the Answer (all the suggestions of the program - the meetings, the steps, the sponsor, prayer and meditation, etc) ... the problem went away.
The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it. But you don't have to do it alone... that's the fabulous part!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am a big believer in checking my motives before I take a position or attempt to shed some light on someones recovery or lack thereof. Thank goodness for sponsors. There is a saying in Alanon. It is: When In Doubt, DON'T.
Speaking of a 4th step, it focuses on self honesty, rather than trying to expose the truth of another. I find it is more beneficial for all parties involved if I keep the focus inward on what is going with my attitudes and actions.
In my experience I have found that the alcoholic inevitably exposes themselves. I need not go through special efforts in setting things up. When I take a step back and let the pieces fall where they may, the disease reveals itself. In this regard family members can draw their own conclusions, not colored from the way I painted the picture.
I want to slap my inlaws out of their denial so they will see AH's addiction. Denial is a powerful thing .. This disease is powerful baffling confusing manipulating and cunning .. Denial is a Symptom of our disease .. they have it we have it .. i know for me my own denial took me the past five years to break through and now i'm really just scratching at a much deeper level of looking .. and that's been with 5 years of working my butt off literally through the 12 steps .. just now starting them again with my sponsor all over ..
So .. incredibly powerful ..
I am going through the same with my A's family .. the 3 fingers pointing back at you .. boy that hits home tonight .. I said One thing to my A .. and literally him and 2 other family members ganged up on me .. in his family there is absolutely no Direct communication .. it goes in a triangulation method where if something is said to one member it gets told to 2 to 4 others and then everyone comes down on you .. i go to say that word and the word Strangulation always comes to mind ..
We as the partners of alcoholics first want to make so many excuses for our partners .. soften the blows, keep the peace at times ,, to avoid humilation .. many times our own .. can't say what to do .. but there is the thought of letting things happen as they will .. they will see it whether they mention it or not ..
I realise with my own alcoholics family .. i have Literally been doing the same thing over and over and over again for years .. i keep going to them expecting them to hear me .. listen .. take me seriously .. credit me .. and the Results are Always the same .. he literally Can do no wrong in their minds because their minds just can't take it ..
Keep coming & sharing .. one day at a time ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 19th of October 2011 05:58:31 PM
Looking at my motivations, what I really need to examine is if I'm doing the "woe is me" routine. By speaking up, am I saying things to make others feel sorry for me? I am working hard to get out of my martyrdom.
If it is the right time for me to speak up and say something to my inlaws, my HP will open the door and show me when and give me the power to say what needs to be heard.
"If it is the right time for me to speak up and say something to my inlaws, my HP will open the door and show me when and give me the power to say what needs to be heard."
OR
You could trust HP to let them hear/see what they need to hear/see when it's time for them to hear/see it.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't think it's been mentioned but... you are also powerless over them and their denial. Even if you decide it's your place to "tell on" your husband... there are no guarantees they will want to accept it, they may prefer to think things are fine and dandy. Denial is part of codependency too.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (over people, place, things and situations) and our lives had become unmanageable."
Powerless.
Powerless.
Powerless.
As for the changes in YOU..... praise to your Higher power!! Gives me great happiness and goosebumps! As a codependent who relies on others to validate me, I needed the gift of this prayer:
God,
Please spare me from the desire for
validation,
love,
and approval.
(I only need to worry about getting these from YOU. Amen. )
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
