The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I asked my partner to leave on Saturday after having such a stressful few weeks, I have been to two f2f meetings and wanted to go to one this morning but my alarm was at the wrong time! When we are arguing he pushed me to the very edge of distress and as soon as he thought I was going to leave he would turn this around and declare his love for me. Although at the wknd I had enough and shared it with my parents who enabled me to follow through with this and had to drag me away from him, because my decision was already made but due to him begging and crying for me to stay I was getting emotionally dragged through hell. I am struggling with guilt because he had nowhere to go, (his words) he has to start again, but I couldnt live like this anymore, part of me wants to be happy but the other part is torn, this man has emotionally damaged me and yet Im still worrying about him and the focus is totally off me again. I have to face him again at the weekend and Im scared I get sucked back in again, I wish I could grow a backbone and remember all the things that he has done to me and without being a victim stand up and be counted, for some reason I can only remember how sad he looked rather than remember all the times I begged and pleaded him to fall in with me. I need support right now.....
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
I hope you can find a face to face meeting sooner than later. I can empathize with how hard this is.
Sending lots of love and support during this time, Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jules - hang in there - I understand how the tugging and pulling can be sooooooo very difficult. I'm going through almost the same thing with my spouse. I finally told him last night I couldn't do it anymore. He is not the alcoholic in my life but he has lots of issues (as do I). It always takes a crisis for my needs to be acknowledged or heard. It is so very hard to ignore and not be pulled into the emotions but I keep trying and trying to remind myself why I felt that way in the first place. He keeps telling me that he needs the chance to fight for our relationship but he can't do it alone. I believe he stopped fighing 14 months ago when I asked for the separation. We actively saw each other during that time and and he did few of the things that I had explained to him I needed out of the relationship. I love him as Im sure you do your partner but there has to be a point of sanity.
Hugs to you - hang in there - let us know how you are doing. I hope I can stay strong too.
Thanks Pushka I need the support right now, my whole family are behind me to which Im so grateful for.
Amills, after all the turmoil ive been in for so long (nearly a year) maybe longer I finally let go for me, I have totally lost myself and need to find me again, I cant do it with him in my life and that I know for sure! I dont have any children which Im grateful for. I know he will survive he did before I came along, I am not even sure if he loves me, there are personal reasons for this which I cannot share on here. He is mixed up not an alcoholic but has another addiction, which he will never admit too, but it was causing issues for me and his mood swings where to much to handle. Everything was always blamed on me, I really thought I was going mad thinking what have I done thats so bad, I know it wasnt me, I allowed things to happen to me which I know I will never do again in the future (a day at a time). I was so negative and unhappy and it was causing us to argue, constantly because he lacked so much responsibility and to a certain extent wouldnt let me live my own life. I know I need the programme more than ever now, I cant do this alone. I still have compassion for him but i cant mistake that for love. Hugs to you too, I feel stronger everytime I participate in alanon and talk to people who understand. (this too shall pass).....
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
Should you need to come in contact with him this weekend, perhaps consider having a close friend or family member there for support to keep you strong.
I too had a boyfriend like that years ago and he just went mental during and after the breakup. It took months to break free from him. To thine own self be true, Shakespeare said. If this is what you feel you need to become healthier, consider having someone there for support in his presence.
Thanks Tommye I wanted him to change so much during our time together but I was fighting a losing battle and should have known better, but obsession is a horrible part of this illness! luckily he lives in another part of the country so I wont bump into him in the street, which is a saving grace! I heard to thine own self be true at a meeting last night, living in denial for a long time and its hard to be true to myself but with the help of this programme I will.
Take care of you too Jules
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
That is cool you heard the same thing in your meeting last night. Coincidence is Gods way of being anonymous.
Oh I think that is a blessing that he lives in another part of the country. God does for us what we cant do for ourselves. Mine lived in the same city and would come to my house at night and keep knocking on the windows until the police had to be called. I know how hard it is to break free. It is truly one step at a time, one day at a time deal.
I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to make a meeting and do you have a sponsor? My A still thinks I owe him more of my self/money/life etc... it was too much and I am a survivor not a victim any longer. It takes time to heal and learn to focus on yourself, it has been a year and I feel better than ever, but am still learning to take care of my needs and finding healthy hobbies I like. I have had fun mostly getting to know the real me and I like her! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Our guilt you speak of .. usually stems from our thinking we failed to cure save and fix them .. That's Our insanity .. it's absolutely impossible for us to be the ones to shed light in their dark areas .. there's a reading in alanon that says what we bring out of the dark into the light loses its power to dominate our thinking .. for me .. when we're sitting around the tables in alanon bringing out secrets into the light by sharing them outloud, they lose power to dominate our thinking .. For my thinking i can save the alcoholic .. the only way the a can be saved is to bring his own secrets out of his darkness in the groups and share outloud his struggles .. if i were to try to shed light on his dark areas what difference would that make if he himself refused to speak .. his secrets and sick areas would continue to remain in the dark .. he's the only one that can do his part .. i have to run to a meeting now but hang in there .. this may not make sense today but maybe it will still someday .. it's usually how alanon works .. we get it when we get it .. !! keep coming ..
only a sick person could put the whole responsability of themselves onto another person, im sure he had a million chances i am sure yu did everything you could to help him and now its all your fault because you wuldnt sacrifice your whole life and happiness to his needs- you have a total right to a life- you are so doing the right thing- his sickness is his burden to carry not yours- its plain wrong to put someone elses pain on someone elses shoulders- you have anough pain and problems of your own. its a tough lesson they have to learn and if they dnt learn it they dnt find recovery. hang on in there- you couldnt be taking any other action than this right now.
I do have a sponsor who I have been in regular touch with and tonight and I am going to a f2f meeting tonight, everyday I feel better with my decision and I know deep down that I deserve to be happy, I havent been happy in so long. The guilt is easing when I keep remembering myself of the times I felt downtrodden. I have been praying for my higher power to help me with this decision and I know now that I was ignoring it for so long. I have read that reading in the courage to change and I know that he was and is living in my head rent free and also my house when I think about it. Rosielee you have reiterated exactly where I am at today, I gave my partner so many chances and I always knew that once I made the proper decision there would be no going back, theres only so much the one person can take (just for today). Thanks everyone.
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
Here's some hugs and support from somebody on the same ride! It is really hard but you are doing the right thing, taking care of yourself, and it sure sounds like you have supportive people in your life who can support you through this roller coaster.
Nothing more profound to add here...just hugs, support, hugs, support hugs.....!!
You said you wished you could grow a backbone....I think your backbone just grew a bunch :)
To avoid "getting sucked back in" follow your intellect on this one rather than your heart. Do what you would tell a friend to do. That might be a helpful tool.
