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We've been separated for about 14 months. He wants to know where we stand and what needs to be done to get us back "on track" or on a trial living under the same roof. We've been to this point before many times. I'm trying to not get anxious about the conversation. I know what he wants or at least what he says he wants. I do not believe his actions reflect what he says.
I'm trying to be calm, open minded and willing to listen but at the same time not cave in for fear of hurting him. I want to know that I'm strong enough to take care of me. I want to be as honest about my feelings right now as I can. I have to be. It's time. I don't feel at ease with him. I am to the point of using the definition of insanity. "when you keep doing the same things but expecting different results"
My therapist told me to really look at things the way they are and have been and stop hoping for what could be. History has shown me a very strong picture that I don't want to face. I don't want to get angry or confrontational. I want to be adult. The reality is my needs are not being met, I don't feel I get out of this relationship the support and love I need. I also don't believe I can give it to him the way he needs or wants. I know they say don't make a major decision in the first 6 months of the program but this has gone on for so long and it's time to commit to moving forward together or apart. I am having a hard time seeing us moving forward together healthily. My daughter even commented we are happier apart. It's not what I envisioned. It's not what ideally I want but I truly am at a loss. Our relationship is toxic. I do love him but like is another thing.
Looking for some prayers and positive vibes over the next few hours please.
Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts, and an extra hug. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
well it ended... it didn't go well. I tried to remain calm and not get emotional. He never says much - he doesn't contribute and when I voice my concerns he just says I guess it's over. So I guess I"m done.... left here with a full blown anxiety attack at the moment.
I'm so sorry...just remember you did what you thought is best; his reaction is out of your control. You did the right thing to stand your ground. If you caved and just told him what he wanted to hear, that wouldn't help things in the long term. Just try to take a deep breath and relax....as they say in Alanon "this too shall pass..." Sending you support and esh.
Turn this one over to your HP also...Both of you have to get better to do better and if only one is trying then the outcome is obvious. Prayers and support going both of your ways. ((((hugs))))
Of course later he was texing me - is it really it? I tried to explain the things that have been not working for me or missing for me - things he could have done differently during the separation ( we were actively seeing each other during the separation). He said he wants all those things too and he just needs the chance to do them now. Part of me says - that's like an alcoholic's behavior "I'll be different". Why couldn't he do those thing during the separation? When I told him those things over and over again? He said he was too angry about being forced to be apart and couldn't do so. I've seen him fight for things he wants - there's no stopping him. If he had wanted those things with the knowledge he had from me he would have done so. I'm tired of getting to crisis to have my needs heard. It's so hard to tell him that. I have but again he's like a hurt little boy right now and I want to just take care of him but I can't do that.
Maybe he will try and get help, maybe he won't, it's more important that you focus on you and what you need to do to heal from this experience. Are you attending face to face meetings? It does help to be in a room of other people who have walked this road, you are not alone.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes Pushka I do have local meetings. I'm going to try and make one this morning but with work it is difficult. I feel like I"m being unreasonable on one hand. He's not an alcoholic - but he does suffer from compusion/addictive behavior that is around guns and spending etc. He lost his father tragically at a young age so he faces abandonment issues (as I do). I know inside he is a sweet loving man but he gets so angry and irritable and he doesn't pay attention to what's going on around him. He gets hyper focused. I want him to be happy but I want a partner that participates with me (not all the time). He'll say what he should say and then come back with a hateful comment or say something hateful and then think just saying sorry makes it all go away. I know it's not all him but I'm tired of the crazy. We have very different perspectives on life. What makes it so difficult is we have a daughter we both love so very much. She's handled this very well and has even said we are happier apart.
"To thine own self be true," by Shakespeare is on the back of our birthday chips in our Alanon home group. My sponsor always said to me we give from our overflow not our reserve. The right order of things in this world is:
God first
Me second
Everybody else third
When I follow that order, regardless of what decision I am making, everything else falls into place.
I can relate to you and am sorry you are going through this. Just remember this too shall pass. My 13 year old has told me several times I am so much better living seperate from her father this last year and it is true. My exAH wants me to continue taking care of him financially/emotionally/physically and I can no longer do it and take great care of me. I was being verbally abused and bullied and can not keep being that victim any longer. I do have moments of spiraling, he was my comfy old security blanket for 15 years and this last year alone I am healthier than I have ever been. It is hard and sad, but I had to save me and keep my kids from being in that very unhealthy environment. I hope you are able to make it to meetings, that is where I got the most growth and found my wise old sponsor! Keep taking care of you! I am sending you love, support, courage and strength on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Without boring with too much of the details it wasn't as simple as him just saying it's over but he used his triggers against me and he knows that he's doing it. We were talking and I was trying to be as honest as possible about my doubts about us having a trial. He didn't communicate like usual. It's like pulling teeth to get him to say anything back or start the conversation. Then he said "so what do we do contact our attorney's?" I asked him why he always does that. He jumps to a conclusion by asking a question to try to rope me in.
He was teary eyed the entire time and slumped over - not looking at me - as if defeated. I wasn't harsh, I wasn't yelling - I just expressed concerns as adult as I could. He just wants us to have a trial and see how he can be different. I have to ask why now? I finally broke down. I started crying. He actually got up and hugged me and I cried harder than I have in a long time and I said "I can't be a good mom, take care of me and be the wife you want me to be" and again he says "so what does that mean?"... we had some more discussion and then it got a little heated - he said some nasty things about friends I care about and questioning my choices and why couldn't I put him first. I just said "I cannot do this, you don't love me for me you love me for who you want me to be, please go" I was pretty upset at that point sitting on the floor against the wall. He left and then 5 mins later had to come storming back in to give me the garage door opener (I hadn't asked for it). this morning I noticed the house key next to it.
It's this childish drama that I cannot take. He lashes out when he is hurt - I don't expect him to be nice but at least be adult. I'm tired of this drama rollercoaster.
Just want to say thanks for posting. I hear you echoing some of my experiences. Keep coming back, please keep posting as well. I hear you wanting to do what is in your best interest, and your child's. That hits close to home for me, though my child is a toddler and yours is 13 years old. Your husband's behavior reminds me very very much of my AH's behavior. I don't know what that means, but it is illness nonetheless.
We separated for 2 months, during which my AH tried to scare me with threats about my toddler, and I believe it kept me fearful enough to stay. However, he did go into inpatient treatment four months ago (for 30 days), and was extremely difficult to deal with after - quite a mess and still very "hateful" as you say. Except, at that point, I was expected to put up with it, seemingly because he had done his part and/or was "doing his part."
My point in saying that is to say that things have changed, but it has cost me a lot: It cost me parts of myself, parts that I don't know if I can get back, learn or grow from. He is still very difficult to deal with, and I pray that things get better moving forward. What will I do if he is unbearable, and my child is 4 years old? My fear of him trying to keep her from me takes over. Clearly, I still have a lot of work to do :).
Listen to your heart and your spirit - if you are tired, and you have no overflow OR reserve, then perhaps moving on from the draining relationship is best, IF you are committed to working on yourself (or maybe "continuing" your work on yourself). These are just my thoughts, please take what you like and leave the rest!
Hugs and best to you,
Lotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Please give credit it to the disease talking to you not the man. I am walking to the post office when I log out. My AHSober (separated) said that he sent the divorce papers for me to sign. Not the response that I wanted however it is the disease talking.
Nancy - I'm sorry for your struggles too. For whatever reason I cannot seem to actually draw the line. I did tell him the other night that I cannot be the wife he wants me to be, be a good mother and take care of me. He stormed out and left the garage door opener and the key - all very childish behavior. Since then he has kept asking for a chance. One part of me says "you've got the open door - take it dummy!" and the other part decided to lay down some very defined things I have to have if he and I are to have a trial. If he can do it, then I've agreed - if he can't then I will accept that.
I have so little family left and maybe I'm just in denial or live in a dream world. I feel like I have to make sure I've given it every chance I could.
You said that you have so little family left. Is that fear that drives some of your decisions? I ask because I've learned that it does drive mine. I think I would, and would have, made drastically different decisions if it were not the case. I wonder how one goes about effectively dealing with that fear, and then what does the picture look like?
Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I'm crosstalking forgive me .. that's what is so wonderful about alanon and any kind of counseling really is it is a safe place to discover what it is and what isn't our own individual truths. It's more important to recognize what hasn't worked and what does and being able to take those emotional risks so the past patterns are no longer repeated. It's not easy and it's def not a one answer fits all solution. Starting the process and following through is more important than anything else. I still have moments where fear grips me .. now I have that soft place to go to where I remember that no matter what even in fear .. I'm going to be ok. I mean this as support not advice and not suggesting just observational. I can still feel the fear, it's now just an aha moment of ok .. I hear you fear I'm still going to do what I need to do, it's ok that you are there because you aren't a fact and you will change.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
